And It’s Probably Killing You Too

Hello and good-day, dear readers. Let me get right to the point and tell you I am not writing this newsletter in a good mood, and, in fact, I am entirely annoyed, and working hard here not to show the snarky, sarcastic side of my personality that I am usually very good at suppressing, because, frankly, no one likes that Suzy very well, including me, so as I said, she is usually in the closet.

EXCEPT WHEN I SEE ANOTHER TERRIBLE RESUME.?

So, hi! Smiling and trying to breathe here, just long enough to make my point, which I make as what the vast Interweb calls a “hiring manager.” In other words, I am a boss who reads a lot of resumes in search of great people to join my team. Terrifyingly, I have probably read thousands of thousands of resumes (and LinkedIn profiles)? in my time.

And I am here to tell you that it has largely been, well, torture.

No, not because of how long they are, what format they are in, or how pretty they are.?

But because of what language they are written in, which is usually not one spoken by human beings. Indeed, most resumes are written in stilted, mumbo-jumbo techno-jargon, a kind of syntax soup of cliches, double-speak, and euphemisms that forces hiring managers to make like Carrie Mathison, the CIA operative on Homeland who was driven to the edge of madness in her search for secret meanings.

Why, why, why, my friends? Why not just write a clear, simple, transparent resume, one that tells your story, as if you were – wait for it – an actual person speaking to an actual person? Do you think, perhaps, that your over-reaching, fancy-pants, gobbledygook? is going to fool some hiring manager? That we can’t tell when you are describing ordinary tasks in a convoluted way??

We can! Which is why I implore everyone just to stop with the nonsense.

What nonsense? This kind of nonsense:

Communications Strategist: Under the direction of the Division Director, develop and implement strategies to integrate mission and core value messages into appropriate materials that drive culture and performance and help achieve organizational results.

No, no no!?

How about: With help from my manager and other team members, I write social media posts and a lot of other copy, like newsletter articles, for a new brand that is still trying to figure out its voice, and I am a key part of that effort. I research how other brands are succeeding or not, experiment a lot, know my way around Instagram like a tour guide, and have learned the power of a fast pivot. Over the past year, we have grown our following by 6%.”?

Bear with me for one more example of nonsense, since I’m sure you’re fascinated.

Marketing Manager: Develop innovative, omnichannel marketing campaigns that drive revenue core products and services, while utilizing cutting-edge marketing technology to create and execute impactful content journeys that engage diverse target audiences including readers, advertisers, and subscribers.

OH PLEASE. Pass the No-Doz, why don’t you?

How about: “I am a junior person in the marketing department, and when someone comes up with a great campaign idea, I learn what that looks like, but my main job at this point is doing all the execution to make the campaign take place on time and under budget, which I have achieved two out of three times, and on the third time, I missed by a hair.”

OK, I know I am hyperventilating this week. But bad resumes trigger me. They are mistakes that are entirely preventable and entirely unproductive. That is why every time I see a particularly awful resume, I am reminded of the time, thankfully long ago, that one of my children went to a party and came home way past her curfew and not in her own car, but driven by a friend. When they got to the front door, my daughter promptly threw up. I said, “Well, well, what have we here?” She herself was too incapacitated to answer, so her friend offered, “Not going to lie, Mrs. Welch, she ate a bad shrimp.”??

Poorly written resumes are like this spectacular line. Their BS could kill you.?

And so, I exhort you to go get your resume this instant and read it outloud. Do it! Next, pretend you are out for dinner with an old friend you haven’t seen since college, and she says, “What have you been up to since we graduated?” Run her through your jobs, what you did, what you learned, what you accomplished, your most pride-inducing results, and why you moved on.

Clean that up – not too much! – and there’s your resume. Yep. Every hiring manager in the world will thank you. Starting with me.

I feel better now, thank you. Have a nice day.