It's okay that you're not yourself when you're hungry

It’s okay to have emotional reactions. As humans, we have very limited control over our emotions, especially over the impulsive ones that often arise because of external circumstances and trigger events in our environments we can’t control. Your feelings are always valid. On the other side, it is also important to realize that your feelings do not define who you are. But what does?

Our minds are too complex to fully understand. In fact, thousands of people spend their whole lives studying only very few specific aspects of our minds and how they work, not to speak of the whole thing. It’s not even clear how the cornerstone of our selves, our consciousness, works and what it really is. And clearly, without needing a very scientific analysis, it’s fair to say that neither every consciousness nor every mind as a whole works exactly the same way. For every given life situation there are countless possible reactions because every person and every situation is unique. I don't want to deny the truth that there are more things we have in common with each other than there are things we differ at. Actually, I believe it would help our togetherness if we realized how similar we are to each other and that there are so many things we share, and that connects us. However, there are no two people who are the same. We are a product of our individual genetic code as much as we are of our unique environment and personal context. So how can we define what makes us who we are as individual people if all our minds are so different?

We have our emotions and feelings, our thoughts, attitudes, and values. We have our memories, our personalities, our consciousness and also our subconsciousness, our habits, and our mental immunity. And that list is far from complete. There is so much that makes us who we are, yet somehow we manage to develop and maintain a more or less coherent picture of ourselves. Sometimes our behavior reflects how we view ourselves very well, sometimes it does not. Sometimes we feel good about who we are and how others view us, sometimes we do not. One thing is for sure, however: It makes sense to view humans as who we are: each of us a complex and fully unique organism that cannot be defined by anyone except ourselves. You are the only person that can say who you really are.

I would argue that everyone can change who they are in quite a few ways. There are ways to make changes to almost any of the above-mentioned concepts, some easier than others. Your values or attitudes can change just by listening to a compelling story or argument of a trusted person or someone in an emotional situation. Your memory is constantly changing every second of your life, and what new memories you want to make is partially your decision. You can learn to increase your control and power over your thoughts, something I will talk about later, for example through meditation, journaling, cognitive behavioral therapy, and more. You can strengthen your mental immunity by training your mind through real-life experiences, lucid dreaming, mindfulness, physical exercise, active resting, and dozens of other methods. You can try to program your subconsciousness over the long term, e.g. by repeatedly visualizing a mental picture of what it is that you want for yourself and connecting it with strong emotions, and you can develop habits. Even your emotions can be partially tamed through the usage of your thoughts, your ability to change perspectives, your self-confidence, gratitude, and many other ways. But let’s be honest, our ability to have full control over what is going on in our minds is not very great. Clearly, no one should be eternally judged over one misplaced emotional reaction, one “bad” thought, or one unwanted habit. This story is about both, the acceptance of what cannot be changed, and on the other hand about the realization that we have the power to change quite a few things.

During meditation is the closest I have felt to be an observer of my own inner world. Then, when I sit down, trying to detach from my bodily desires and my conscious mind, is when I get to see a glimpse of what is going on throughout every second of every minute of every day of my life inside my mind. Thoughts, desires, memories, urges, and feelings seem to pop up seemingly out of nowhere. At least that’s what my conscious self gets to see. Of course, there are millions of neurons firing in the background that I don’t get to observe. Yet it is special to become aware of the fact that all these things that typically control my consciousness are not something that is determined, unchangeable, and the only possible state of myself. Rather, they more or less randomly enter the realm of my consciousness, and only by “following” their track of thought do I really manifest them as a fully captivating item in my mind. During meditation, my goal is to not follow their tracks as usual and instead let my thoughts, feelings, memories, urges, and desires disappear the same way they appear in the first place. A thought will just slip right back into subconsciousness if it doesn’t get the usual attention of the conscious self. And over time, fewer and fewer things try to enter consciousness, desperate for attention. That is when I realize that there is a version of myself, a very calm version, that feels true to who I am, that is always there, sitting in the background, often clouded and covered by an endless flow of thoughts, desires, emotions, urges, etc. I love feeling myself like that. Feeling this kind of power over the things that enter my conscious mind gives me an incredible feeling of control over my own person. Knowing to have at least a partial choice in what I want to consciously think or feel gives great comfort. And this knowledge is also useful in non-meditating life situations.

Emotions have a special case in all this. Whenever an impulsive emotional reaction comes up, we often get overwhelmed by it. Emotions seem way harder to control than anything else. In such a moment, the emotion is what really takes the driver’s seat of our behavior. When we have positive emotions we welcome them with open arms, because they usually feel amazing. Consequently, they are far less problematic for us. Negative emotions however often feel terrible, stress us out, and lead to bad decision-making. Thus, often it can be very useful to take a mental step back, to change the perspective, and to see the emotion as what it really is: Just one of the thousands of things waiting to catch your attention. More and more often I realize that my emotional reactions are not always in line with my actual thoughts, opinions, attitudes, and values. And over time I feel more and more comfortable with my so-called negative emotions because while I can accept them as a real and valid part of me, I also know that they are not something that defines me. I can decide whom I want to be as a person, but I can’t decide what spontaneous emotional reaction I will have to situations I never encountered before. My point is that that’s completely okay! No one can completely control their emotional reactions. And to be honest, I am very glad about that. What would life be like if we had full control over our minds? Not very exciting I suppose.

While we can’t control emotional reactions, what we can control is how we decide to engage with our own and others’ emotional reactions. I believe we would make a positive impact in the world if we all had a little more compassion for everyone who is in a situation of emotional distress, including ourselves. Emotions have this especially strong power and determination to fully control our conscious mind and grab our attention. Giving our friends, families, and generally people we interact with the comfort of accepting their emotions as a valid reaction, simply a part of their complex mind, is an easy thing we can do to increase mutual understanding and have a positive effect on our togetherness. Creating a safe space for your close ones to be true with their emotions will give you better relationships. Encouraging each other to look beyond just emotions and view things from a more inclusive perspective, which also factors in values, attitudes, perspectives, personal experiences, and thoughts, is only the second step. Increasing awareness of the complexity of human minds and especially emotional reactions is the prerequisite to even getting to this second step. And if your goal is to better understand other people and yourself, this is a good place to start practicing.??