It's Okay to Tell - It's Time!

The average victim takes 24 years to reveal their secret and disclosure is often the key to recovery – says studies. So we have individuals suffering inner turmoil, experiencing extreme physical and/or emotional pain and leading dual hidden lives for at least 25-30 years. That is a sad reality. As if the abuse itself wasn’t brutal enough, the living with the secret of what happened and the effects of it in isolation must be crippling.

There are many reasons why it’s difficult to speak about abuse especially when it came from the very ones meant to protect us - it affects our own lives and the lives of those we care about in ways unimaginable. In most circles, abuse is assumed to be sexual abuse and the mention of physical and emotional abuse is usually dismissed with indifference mostly telling the individuals who have undergone immense pain that THEY are being too sensitive. They are told off by one and mostly all - “We all got beatings from our parents. Get over it”.

There is a fine line between discipline and abuse. Most “victims” know in their deepest self that it WAS ABUSE if it was an abuse and not just a beating. But to prove otherwise is something that may not be possible at all. For one, there isn’t any physical proof, especially if you are an adult now and two, in most societies, speaking ill of your parents, is a No No – unmentionable taboo, making it difficult for most people to talk about it openly.

Other obstacles include doubting our own perceptions, memories and existence and being unable or unwilling to go through the pain that can stem from acknowledging that someone we love and care have hurt us so bad that we actually hate them and not love them. Acceptance of hatred to the perpetrator – in this case, the mother or the father in this case can be a frightening self-discovery. Having to keep silent increases the person’s feelings of isolation, and places a burden of secrecy on them that can become damaging over time.

Our society treats different medical conditions unequally. If one had cancer, everyone would offer to help, but if one has visible emotional injuries from physical, mental, emotional abuse, I am usually a source of shame and isolation. Many of our colleagues, associates, and friends would thick twice to even broach the subject.

The way we are perceived by others means a lot to us. Our reputations can affect our jobs, families, relationships, and standings in our communities. Thinking about abuse or neglect of a child is inherently discomforting for us all. Often people hearing the disclosure don’t know what to say. The pain is hard enough and the silence from the confidantes makes it harder. Most people don’t understand that adults who are good longtime friends, fun colleagues, reliable neighbors and good parents can have a hidden problem. The fear of being shamed may tempt us to try to manage the problem of abuse within ourselves. But if we don’t reach out for outside help, such as from skilled therapists or supportive friends, we can hurt our chances for a successful recovery and a happy, full life.

According to research, people’s response to disclosure is often key to people’s recovery.” Studies have found that social support buffers the negative effects of childhood abuse including suicide, mental health problems, physical health problems in later life and a reduced lifespan.

To all the friends, relatives, guidance counselors, grandparents, and any stranger on the road: if you know a child is suffering at the hands of a parent, don’t brush it off. Don’t stay silent because of what the neighbors will think. Don’t think it’s the child’s fault. A child cannot protect their self; they don’t have the voice and the development yet. They need us. They need YOU. They need the nurture and the care to blossom into beautiful beings. They need us to create a happy physical and emotional world. To foresee the world in the hands of young capable energetic individuals, it is our responsibility to see that each child has a safe, carefree, and a nurturing childhood - The onus, is on us.

And to all who have suffered, IT’S OKAY TO TELL YOUR STORY.