It's not okay, not to be okay

It's Mental Health Awareness week, and once again I see the message shared by thousands, "It's okay, not to be okay". But lately I've found myself thinking about this message.

According to the Office for National Statistics (ONS), in 2019 there were 5691 registered suicides. That's around 109 suicides a week! Keep in mind also, that these figures don't account for the global pandemic last year.

Is this really okay?

My own mental health challenges began 3 years ago. It began with the suicide of Frightened Rabbit lead singer Scott Hutchison, a difficult work situation, and a sports injury which left me needing surgery on my knee. I never contemplated how it felt to be depressed, have anxiety attacks, feel helpless and not see a way forward with life. I still find it impossible to describe; but let me try again to tell you how it was for me...

Imagine you are on the platform of a train station, it's busy, and your heart rate begins to increase. You lose your peripheral vision. The area around you begins closing in. Your heart rate increases. You feel claustrophobic. The train approaches and the doors open, but you can't move. Your heart rate increases. You want to shout and scream but hear nothing. You feel sick. Your heart rate increases. You feel overwhelmed. Then you turn around and walk home feeling defeated and broken. It's there you hide.

Sometimes I would make it to work, sometimes not. Sometimes I'd imagine what if I jump infront of the train instead of on it. Would that be the release that I needed? Would it matter?

Is this okay?

But these experiences aren't Monday-Friday 9-5 either. I've had these feelings whilst playing golf with friends, taking walks in nature reserves, and even on holiday. I would breakdown entirely and cry for no reason, I would imagine a life without me in it, ache all over and spend entire days feeling tired. Nothing, not even my hobbies and friends, could get me out of it.

Is this okay?

I eventually spoke with my GP. He suggested I could read some books and do some exercise. In that moment, I left feeling even more helpless. We are encouraged to reach out and ask for help. But in reality the funding and support for mental health just still isn't there.

Is this okay?

The message of "It's okay, not to be okay" doesn't sit right with me. Imagine saying the same thing about a physical illness. "It's okay that you have a tumour" "It's okay that you have weeks left to live". So why is it okay to say this about mental illness? "It's okay to want to take your own life"

Is it?

When I considered how ending my life would make things better, I realised...

"This is not okay"

What is okay, is to talk about it. To reach out, ask for help and to know things can get better. It is okay to look for support, it's okay to give support, and it is more than okay to acknowledge how you are feeling. It's okay to know that what you're going through is normal and you are not alone.

But it is not okay, not to be okay.

You deserve happiness, you deserve to feel good. You deserve to get through a day without fear and anxiety and suicidal thoughts. To wake up and have the chance at a better quality of life...You deserve that!

Everyone will approach their mental health in their own way. For me, in the moments when I considered how ending my life would make things better, I realised..."this is not okay". It was only when I realised that it's not okay, not to be okay, was I able to make my life better.

I finally understood that I wanted more from life. With this realization, I told myself I had to figure out what was happening, understand my thoughts and feelings. When I told myself "It's not okay that I feel like this", it was only then that I could start making things better. It was then that I began my journey to improving myself and my life.

If you would like to talk about anything I have mentioned or want to discuss my views on this, then please reach out. I would be happy to share some of the things that I did to get me feeling better about things.

The purpose of this article is to share my experience of mental health, and not to undermine any messages that others may find helpful.