Its okay, to not be okay!

So, I was sitting outside enjoying a cup of tea, suddenly I realized tomorrow I may be admitted to 21-day treatment facility. Rewind 3 days, it was the day I would finally attend my appointment with the Psychiatrist, I was so excited because I thought seeing him would be a breeze, he would give me some happy pills and we move on with life. However, the sentence was 21 days in Akeso, crescent clinic. I was totally shocked, I had never in my wildest dreams thought I would admitted. My husband and I joked that afternoon saying maybe they will send me away, stray jacket and all. Minus the stray jacket ( yet ) I will be going away for 21 days. What planet does this Dr. live on? I have a family and my company simply cannot not have presence in Gauteng. I couldn’t breathe in that moment.?

I remember saying to him, you are joking. Right?

He responded in such a calm demeanour, ‘’ nope ‘’ You have a problem and I need to have you in my facility to evaluate you, the next thing that came to mind was a shutter island comparison. He then calmly walked me out his office and said ‘’ see you there ‘’

I remember thinking. I have been punk’d, where’s Ashton?? I came home an absolute mess. My 11-year-old, watching my every move. Knowing there was something wrong. ?Surprisingly, he handled the situation very well and told me that I had been shaking the coke bottle for too long. He used this analogy because I am always telling him to offload his emotions. Yes, I know I should follow my own advice as maybe I wouldn’t be here if I had spoken to even just one person. My mother in-law arrived shell shocked, I could sense it from her. The image that I display to the world is not one being admitted to a mental hospital.?

I am a very social person, I have no problem being in crowds, making friends and making people laugh. I am kak funny, though my jokes are googled right before my stand-up every morning at work. I am confident I can keep a crowd laughing. I love plans over the weekend, I can’t come home when the sun is shining, I would use my day to its fullest.

Rewind two years.

As for everyone in the world. Covid was the most horrible time for everyone. But we all experiences things in our own way. 2020 was a blur, all I know is that covid seemed to not affecting anyone directly in my circle of people. 2021 was crazy. No human being should have to go through that type of trauma. Every time I opened Facebook someone was dying or dead. It was a like a mass shooting, I still didn’t have someone close in my circle that was affected, then boom. My circle started getting affected one person a time. My mother was in hospital and nearly died. My dad had to leave her at the hospital hoping she would get a bed in time (she did thankfully) My sister-in-law was on life support. She was so touch and go it was unreal. We lost a good friend of ours. Just gone forever. As I was watched this mass shooting all around me, it was so traumatic. In this time, my beautiful Corgi suffered epileptic fits for the first time ever and eventually succumbed to this horrible disease. It was such a time of emotional turmoil.

I had grown so much in the last year, still holding onto the baggage from the year before but swiftly carrying on. I run JHB, Gauteng on my own. New business, current business. Everything rolled up into one. I am very driven by hunting for a lead, I love when I get response in a positive light. It is my most favorite thing. I batted so much in that year as I had so very many people to keep happy and satisfied not realizing that I was neglecting my mental health so terribly – Though the learnings were rewarding, it weighed very heavily on me.

2022 proved to bring the challenges once again. My granny passed away at 86, though it was her time. My mother took it very hard. After a weekend of crying we headed home, a couple of hours later. We received a call from my brother whose father-in-law had passed away on his morning cycle at the cradle of humankind. It was surreal, in fact it’s still so hard to believe. It was a mess, and it was so traumatic for their family. Just a complete tragedy. I started to isolate myself. Nothing felt good anymore, everything was hard. I had very little patience and I was very moody, snappy, uninterested in everything.

It was in that moment that I decided to become more social and put myself out in the open again. I started attending more socials and getting myself out the house more. I then experienced yet another traumatic event that changed me in every single way possible. I had officially snapped.

From there, the rest of the year spiraled out of control...?I was drowning at work; I just couldn’t get on top of things. It was terrible. I remember one morning thinking; I haven’t washed my hair in a week! This was possible as I wasn’t leaving the house. Whether it was cancelling meetings last minute just because it meant I had to get dressed. I knew there was something brewing or lingering around. It became so dark in my head. Everything was a mountain I would have to climb to get anything done. Everything seemed impossible, I was completely frozen at the thought of anything and everything. ?Like fetching the kids, I would hope so hard that no one talks to me. Me, the ‘’ people person I am’’ I’m usually the 1st to start a conversation with a stranger. Now I was like, ah no they walking over to me. Will they see how dirty my hair is. Punish myself in that moment, though its my fault I look like a homeless person.?One day my son said to me, do you know that you never say anything nice about yourself. That’s fair, I thought.

I let things go for such a long time, becoming more and more isolated. My kids felt it, my husband felt it. Everyone did. I was the only one who didn’t realize there was a bigger problem than I thought.

The day of admission.

After a week long battle of trying to get authorisation, I was finally going to be admitted. My husband and I felt a sense of relief however a very bittersweet one. I had no idea what to expect, as I paced around my room packing for 21 days, I thought how is my husband going to cope with all the responsibilities of our household... The realization was really starting to hit home on the drive there, there was no blood circulation in my hands in the car, that’s how hard he held my hand. We arrived at the hospital, filled out a few forms and that he left, just like that – I watched him drive away. I was so afraid of the unknown. The nurses proceeded to take my bags upstairs. She showed me around the hospital, such a cold atmosphere. White walls and long corridors. I wasn’t at this point greeted by the crazies I thought I would meet ( yet ) Everyone was very friendly, I proceeded to check in, weighing, blood pressure, urine samples, breathalyzers – the lot! I sat next to a lady that was being admitted at the same time – we connected straight away, I thought hey maybe this won’t be so bad, the rest of the night was a complete blur. I woke up the next morning, went back to sleep and proceeded to sleep for 2 days straight, never in my life have I slept like that.

I had my first appointment with my doctor, it gave me some comfort as I knew him, and he gave me some sort of familiarity. I walked into this shiny office, and sat down. He calmly asked me, again. How are you doing. The words came out faster than I could actually speak them. Well, I’m fine, well not really, but yes okay. I went on babbling and carrying on as usual. He sat back, calmly again and said, well I am happy you are settling in.

I felt more alive and less like a zombie at this point. So I thought I would reach out to my fellow smokers. I met so many different people that day, people that humbled me on the spot, some stories that you think aren’t even possible that could happen to a person, work burn out, self-medicating – the lot. It was surprising to me that a lot of the people were like me, just spiraling out of control. I thought to myself, hey I can actually do this, maybe… There were lonely days, dark days, there were happy days and there were days you felt every emotion you could think of. I formed such a connection with the people there as we were all going through this long journey together, I will forever be grateful for the people that got me through one of the hardest experiences I had ever been through.

I saw my doctors every day and classes, up to 4 classes a day explaining the importance of mental health. Every single class resonated with me. I am still amazed by the strength I gained in the clinic, surrounded by such brave people willing to face their mental issues. I spent 21 days in the clinic, finally got over the guilt that I left so many people behind, work, family, my kids, everything. The things I learnt is worth more than all the money in the world. So many of us neglect ourselves, we don’t speak up when we are drowning, we feel weak, we feel scared, shame, guilt. We carry so many traumatic events in our life, a traumatic event is something that is out of the norm, it is something that we must face head on. If I had known sooner how far down the line I was, I would have spoken up sooner and taken the steps that needed to be taken. Though, the road ahead for me is unknown, I will take the skills that I have learnt and take one step at a time to reclaim my life and who I really am.

Though the ups and downs will be expected, I am now in a place where I can notice my triggers without the shame, and move forward.

If I can leave you with anything today, It would be to take better care of yourself, know your mental state and listen to your body, when things get darker and the light fades, don’t wait for the pitch blackness, speak up… To anyone that will listen and remember:

Depression is REAL!

Your feelings are ALWAYS valid.

If you happy and you know it, you took your pills!

Learn to say NO and encourage people to speak up!

"You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn't mean you're defeated —it just means you're human."