It's Okay To Change Your Mind
Tevin Andrews
International Creative Director. Luxury Stylist. Copywriter. Curator. Host & Speaker. LGBTQIA+ Advocate
In ancient civilizations in Rome and Greece, the law granted husbands control over their wives’ property, finances and decisions.?
In the 1940's, the male sex was still regarded as the superior gender.
In 2013, on Valentine’s Day paralympian Oscar Pistorius shot and killed his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp.?
In 2019, Uyinene Mrwetyana is raped and murdered by Luyanda Botha.?
In 2024, our collective lived reality sees men still trying to maintain control on female bodies through legislation. In Iran, in the United States and even in China, women's reproductive autonomy continues to be restricted through laws and policies influenced by gendered power dynamics and cultural norms that are informed by a male-centred gaze.?
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We’ve all encountered the spectre of toxic masculinity in one form or another (and if you haven't, you have surely perpetrated it). As a queer man, it is an unfortunate thing of life that I happen to know its presence very intimately. It has critiqued my tender stance, the endless sways in my waist and the softness in my voice within professional spaces. It turned my teenage years into a nightmarish fever dream, riddled with taunts, choruses of sniggers and pointed fingers in my direction. It taught me to pack the shame onto my ‘almost Gen-Z’ body, like a fisherman at sea where the Indian and Atlantic Ocean meet. The shame that settled in my back and hips, shaping the way I walk through the world. At my wildest, it made me pander to its ideals: inciting a growing mountain of cognitive dissonance within me as a feminine man - the love of nonchalance, ignorance and self-hatred - a daily ritual of training my voice into faux-depths through flashing daily reminders and endless hums; hailing and applauding gym-bro culture, and dreaming of assimilation at the high cost of my authenticity.
I can admit dryly that I’ve sat in gleaming rooms filled with weak men boasting of their unyielding strength - men who loudly proclaim their avoidance of tears, doctors, and vulnerability. Their bravado masking a deep fragility, their avoidance of emotions turning them into vessels of condescension and abuse. These men are all too familiar; they are our collective generational trauma, they are fathers, uncles, brothers, and friends, raised in systems that celebrate their hardness while ignoring the toll it takes and they shouldn’t be.?
As a queer man trying to participate in the world in an ethical way, it is still my responsibility to assist in engaging this issue in true bigger person fashion. As empathetic wisdom would have it, one has to champion the change they want to see even within communities that have rejected them. In a world with over 8.1 billion people and men making up about 50.4% of that population, it was my singular experience of aspirational masculinity that taught me men’s suffering. It taught me divisive walls, reminiscent of the Berlin Wall. It taught me silence. It taught me sickness. It taught wild ways and unveiled the many elaborate challenges that the imbalances of male holistic health could spin itself into self-destruction: Angry men. Violent men. Men using their partners to test for HIV. Men not testing for cholesterol. Men not getting their prostates checked out. Men not leaning into positive role-modelling.
As International Men’s Day is commemorated on November 19th, it's important to remember this as an opportunity for men to educate themselves, to confront toxic behaviours, and embrace much needed change to combat the legacy of negativity. In a rapidly evolving world, it’s essential for South African men, in particular, to grapple with their role as both villains and victims within patriarchy and its gruesome legacy.
And this is why Men’s Month as a whole matters:
Positive masculinity is no longer optional, it is vital at this time and is the standard that all men should live up to. It’s the blueprint, for empowering men and their counterparts, for strengthening communities and fostering a society where all can thrive.
This November, may we be aligned to championing questioning, curiosity and a reimagined masculinity that is rooted in empathy, health, and unity across all spectrums. It is these very conversations that can take us towards lessening the many ills within our communities and societies.?It is these conversations that become the drivers of change and help all to remember, that it’s okay to change your mind.