It's ok to be unsure

At a very personal level, I know that I have been over stretching myself since the Lockdown started. What do I mean by that? Simple, I created a long list of things that needed doing (like many people I know) and tried to do them all. Part of my long list was to: continue my consulting business, read those books I have been wanting to read forever, continue with my Spanish classes, start a Harvard online course, spring clean and relieve myself of those clothes that don't fit any more (and haven't for several years now) , start baking again, be a cooking diva, keep in touch with friends I had not heard from in ages, write a few articles, start blogging, contribute to the 4 novels I have not finished, read everything that comes my way on education, leadership and online learning, the diverse impacts of Codiv-19 on all of us, apply for future jobs and interview, be super understanding Mum to disappointed senior IBDP student who had her senior year turned upside down, be a decent wife to my husband, exercise at least 4 times a week, to mention but a few, and I still make it outside to clap and celebrate the amazing NHS on Thursday evenings.

It has now been 6 weeks since our official Lockdown in the UK and I realise that in accepting our new situation, our new normal, I looked for the best ways to make the most of the situation and just forgot to be still. I have been sleeping badly because I wanted to do so much more in a time line I do not even know and can't control. I started getting panic attacks because I had Zoom, Skype and WhatsApp calls lined up days on end, and my notebooks are almost full with just too much information.

I read advice and read articles from our new found experts on how to deal with all the changes, conducted research on the impact of the virus on educators who are also parents, and the more of them I spoke to, I realised that the best way forward, for me anyway, was to take a very large CHILL -PILL and take each day as it comes and not to over exert myself and definitely not over plan. So what if I did not make my run, didn't read that chapter and I didn't do an hour of studying?

This week I finally realised that I am no good to myself or anyone else if I continue to be a headless chicken, and I am glad that my mental melt down began the past weekend when my daughter asked me how I was doing, ..'I mean really Ma, it's not fun anymore is it, its actually scary now, when is everything going to be normal again?". I was about to answer with some positive upbeat answer but stayed true to my being and said, 'Yes Sisi, it is a bit crappy now and I fell exhausted with too much information racing through my head, but as much as I would like all of this to stop, it won't until the virus is under control and there is a vaccine on the horizon". She gave me a sad look and continued to do whatever she was doing on her phone and my husband continued watching snooker reruns.

So, it is ok to have those pyjamas days, to feel lazy, to contemplate your belly button with no answers and to not really know if you will do anything considered constructive in our old way of life. Health, mental and social wellness are my new priorities and my new black and I throw the rest to the universe.

In high school, at the end of one year, many of the comments in my Phoenix Yearbook were...'Keep on keeping on', and I say that to all of you out there, things might be terribly bleak right now and much worst for others, but somehow we humans always find a way of bouncing back from the disasters we create. Stay safe and healthy and know it's ok to just be.