Its ok, to not be ok.

“How are you doing?”- “yeah good thanks, you?”- “yeah good!”

How many times have we heard that conversation or been in it (on both sides)? Probably too many times to even count.

One (or both) of those people probably were not good or doing well.

I’ve answered “all good thanks” so many times when I haven’t felt that way so many times, sometimes its because I’ve not wanted to burden the other person, but mainly due to the fact I worried about what the person would say.

We all have mental health however some of us struggle to maintain a good level and we have mental ill health.

This week is Men's mental health week and I have shared this article at Santander through our Mental Wellbeing Network, but wanted to share it to a wider audience.

(TRIGGER WARNING THE FOLLOWING TALKS ABOUT SUICIDE)

However here are some statistic about men's mental health

Only 36% of all NHS referrals for psychological therapies are for men. Men are less likely to seek help for their mental health.

52% would be concerned about taking time off work, whilst 46% would be embarrassed or ashamed to tell their employer. (Men's Health Forum

Suicide is the leading cause of death for men under the age of 50 in the UK. (Calm Zone)

75% of deaths by suicide are males, and they are three times more likely to die by suicide than women

The first time I struggled was 2005.

I was struggling deciding what I wanted to do in my career and my girlfriend (now wife) was out volunteering in Ghana. Something wasn't feeling right and I was feeling low both emotionally and physically.

I was prescribed medication and had counselling and felt like I was all ok. Even though I had found talking to someone useful, I still couldn’t do it. I was working in the motor trade and “bravado” was something that was everywhere and you had to join in. Any weakness you showed would be picked up on, so admitting you were not ok was the last thing you could do.

This all came to a head at the start of 2011.

I had finally had enough, and I remember going to the back car park, struggling. I felt like a teddy bear who was losing his stuffing. If I left my job I would lose my car, how would I get around if I didn’t have a car? I rang my dad and asked him if I could use one of the two he had if I left my job. He drove straight over and picked me up. We went to the doctors, and they said I had been having a panic attack. I left my job and he let me use the car he was using as a run around.

To this day I don’t know why a car was the trigger, but I am grateful it was.

I started a new career in recruitment and soon welcomed our first child. His birth was traumatic for all involved as my wife had to have an emergency C-Section. When they brought this baby into the room, all I was worried about was my wife. She lost a lot of blood and that was my primary concern. What should’ve been an amazing bonding moment just didn’t happen for me and this was something that I couldn’t admit for years due to the fear of being a failure or a bad dad

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Moving to 2015

I ended up deciding a sales focused role was too much pressure for me so took the decision to leave my role, which considering I now had a 2nd child on the way and a mortgage. was a huge risk but I have an amazing wife and family who knew this was the right thing to do, and supported me fully.

There is a myth that once you have had counselling you are ’fixed’ but that’s far from the truth. Just like a diet might help you lose weight; you go back to what you did before meaning that you will soon need to try and do the same again to lose weight. This is the same for my mental health. I thought this was all fixed so when people suggested I go to a local men’s mental health group, I said no. I didn’t want to sit around with strangers being ’happy clappy’ and talking about feeling, I had enough issues so why would I want to hear someone else’s?

In January 2018 my eldest was diagnosed with epilepsy.

The over thinker in me went into overdrive- how would he cope? Would he be able to drive when he’s older (typical 'male' thinking from my motor trade days!!) how would we support him, does this mean I might outlive him? Every possible scenario you could think of, I imagined that every minute every day. Now add into that the fallout of the death of my grandma and a terminal diagnosis to one of our friends and I just couldn’t do it. I rang work and said I needed time off. I had been with Geoban for just over a year at this point and they were super supportive. The doctors prescribed me medication, but I declined counselling, I had done it before and it clearly (I felt) hadn’t worked as here I was again.

The end of 2019

Things settled down, the bonds I thought I didn't have were all there, but I still would overthink, and stress and I wanted to get rid of the stigma of being on medication so I stopped. This isn’t what you are supposed to do but I didn’t want someone to tell me what I should be doing, I wanted to take some ownership back.

A few months later the world stopped as we were all told to stay inside. As someone who has asthma, I panicked but this was just for one night. Being at home and not able to meet up with people, I found it easier to talk to people. I bet on myself by picking up a project at work and a brand-new opportunity came to me that I am extremely grateful for.

I love my job and so in February 2023 when I was promoted, I should’ve been on top of the world.

Any interaction you have with me, you see me. Most teams calls when I am working from home with new people start with at least 5 minutes of talking about my Star Wars LEGO collection, I like to think what you see and hear from me is authentic, but last year something just wasn’t quite right.

As I stood on the platform at MK station waiting for my train home a non-stopping train went flying past me. I immediately thought ’if I step out in front of the next one, that will be it. My insurances would pay out and my family would be better looked after than I could ever do’.

Luckily as quickly as I thought that the reality kicked in and I got on the train home, said to my wife I was going to get help and got a doctor’s appointment.

The doctors diagnosed me as clinically depressed.

I started taking medication ( a different want from last time) and reached out through the Mental Wellbeing Hub at work, to the Bank Worker’s Charity and they arranged counselling for me.

I had started playing football with the men’s group about 18 months before this to try and get fit for a charity match I was playing in. After this diagnosis, things just clicked. I started opening up to them about how I was feeling, I started talking to my friends about how I had been feeling and this was largely down to the counselling.

At this point you are reading (Still, hopefully!!) thinking that’s the end, sadly it isn’t.

After seeing my friend have a heart attack 20 minutes into a charity match, witnessing the fight to save him and having to ring his partner to explain and sort out the logistics and going to the hospital, I needed help again. This time I reached out to that same men’s group and within a week I was having counselling, for free and no waitlist.

This has all made me realise, we can’t bottle it up and we must keep working on our mental health, just as we do with our physical health. I am far more vocal now, I will share when I am feeling low and I want to help remove the stigma. The U9’s team I coach will have Menfulness (the local group) as their kit sponsor next season with the aim to get awareness raised at a younger age. I recently played the first of 2 charity matches where I am raising money for them so they can carry on offering free support and counselling quickly to those who need it.

The 2nd match takes place on the 7th July against the Tottenham Hotspur Football Club legends team. If you would like to sponsor me you can do so here .

They have a saying, Don’t man up, speak up. That is something now I aim to always do.