It's Ok to Not Be Ok: Mother's Day Advice from My Network

I’ll just say it: being a full-time working parent to small children right now is a struggle. 

Much has been written about how we are not ok (we’re really not!). About the absurdity of remote learning. About how some of us are throwing in the towel on it altogether. 

But there are also plenty of stories about the strange and surprising joys we are finding in this time. About how the quarantine has provided a painful but necessary reset around the ways in which many of us have structured our lives. 

For me, it’s been an experience that has highlighted, among many things, what an amazing network of professional peers I have – in particular, other working moms with small children who have made the challenges of the last two months so much more bearable for me as we’ve texted, Zoomed, shared articles, laughed, cried and held each other from a distance in solidarity. As we approach Mother’s Day, I wanted to share some recently sourced wisdom from some of these beautiful colleagues and friends. 

And, for my working mothers out there, I want to tell you (and I hope you continue reminding yourself!): you’re doing great. My house is a mess too. Screens are OK. And yes, I’m wearing yoga pants as I write this. <3

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Embrace the interruptions

Liz Kokoska, Mom to Riley (6); Senior Director, Demand Generation, Americas, Okta

The highlight of my day: my daughter bringing me my coffee or breakfast or fresh baked snacks or daily art offering to my desk and her cute hellos to my colleagues (accompanied by a bright smile) -- all while interrupting meetings.

The challenging part: when my daughter has sad days and emotions she can’t express in words and that come out in ways that are hard for everyone. This is so tough on her and she is being a trooper (mostly) and when she’s not it’s really difficult - for all of us. 

What I try to remind myself every day is to give her time and be present before diving into meetings and to create a break mid day to give her attention and then again in the evening. We’re all happiest when there is presence throughout the day. We’ve also found creating a daily agreed upon agenda with a fun end goal creates a much more successful day. 

Set boundaries, and don’t shy away from incentives

Kate Schwass, Mom to Madelyn (7) and Oliver (4); Executive Director Greenlight Fund Bay Area

In my previous life, I probably saw my kids for about 3 - 4 hours a day, since I work full time and they were in school plus aftercare. Now (and this is both a high and a low), we are together ALL.THE.TIME. There's a sweetness and intimacy to having so much time together - we've certainly never been more bonded as a family. At the same time...I miss having the house to myself during the day, I miss alone time and I reach a point each day where I tell them they aren't allowed to ask me questions or touch me for a while!  

My best tip: use technology time as an incentive to get your kids to clean. Before I start making dinner, I tell the kids they need to clean up all their projects and set the table before they can have iPad time. Once I've checked that these areas really are complete, they get to have iPad time while I make dinner. I can't put into words how helpful this has been. The house is now pretty clean before dinner, so there's no rush at the end of the day to clean up. I'm not as stressed because I know the kids will be helpful with cleaning, and then I get to cook in peace while they are occupied. GAME CHANGER.

Downshift expectations at work and at home

Kulsoom Karakoc, Mom to Zehra (4) and Arman (9 months); Teacher, Kinder High School for the Performing and Visual Arts (Houston, TX)

After realizing I was going to have to take on sole caretaking duty of my almost five-year-old daughter and ninth-month-old son while also teaching a full load of online lessons to 172 students this week (my husband went back to his job on Monday), I decided I was going to take it down five thousand notches and stop holding synchronized learning activities, opting instead to post lesson plans and resources for all my students to do on their own time. 

Best decision of my life, along with taking the Facebook app off my phone. I was getting into the habit of comparing my at-home activity with my friends. And all it did was stress me out. No, I’m not making a YouTube channel with crazy graphics for my high school freshmen students. I’m not building a garden this weekend or going for a family walk everyday. But I am holding online tutorials for students by request and changing diapers at a decent pace and giving the recharged iPad back to my daughter and promising her we’ll find a way to make rainbow unicorn cupcakes soon. 

On the days I fast (it’s Ramadan and I’m trying), I seem to have more patience with her and less with my husband. I let her get angry and overreact and then fall into my arms when I ask if she needs a hug. Then we make a grilled cheese sandwich. I teeter from being too permissive with my daughter to worried about what’s in my son’s mouth to joyfully talking shop with colleagues over text. I go on drives when I feel the most frustrated. We pick up fries and chicken nuggets on the curb, and I people watch. I just cope. And I stay far from vampire energies (familial or otherwise) as much I can.

Get comfortable with simultaneously holding joy and loss

Jessamine Chin, Mom to Pax (2) and Emmett (4 months); VMware Foundation Director 

My toddler is growling at me. His new favorite obsession: chasing after me while he growls and at his request, I pretend to act scared. It’s my first week back to work from maternity leave. Our infant is asleep on Dad. I’m in between a Zoom marathon; trying to squeeze in mommy time with my toddler and expend his pent-up energy so he’ll nap. 

I am exhausted. And also full of joy. We are laughing as he chases me down the street. I am wearing a face mask. He refuses to wear his child-sized one despite my best efforts. I feel guilty about that. Normally, he’d be in preschool. He was just on the cusp of building “first” friendships when the school closed. I’m sad about this loss of connection, albeit temporary.

Work pops into my mind. I try to push it aside to stay present. A weak attempt at multi-tasking, again. Guilt sneaks in. The pile on begins. More guilt about my privilege. So many people are unemployed while I not only have a job, but also one where I can work from home. Limited time to delve. Nurse hungry baby. Pivot focus. Jump on afternoon calls.

Never before have I experienced such deep cognitive dissonance. I am constantly strengthening my muscle of holding seemingly contradictory emotions - loss and guilt, simultaneously with gratitude and joy. If you’re making space for darkness and grief while carving out room to celebrate the bright spots, I’m cheering for you. This is the new “crushing it.”

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This is the beautiful, complex reality for so many of us right now. It’s messy. Sometimes I yell at my kids (Dylan, 6, and Kate, 3) at the top of my lungs before 7 am. Sometimes we have joyful dance parties in the backyard at 2 in the afternoon.  I employ shortcuts like wearing earrings on Zoom calls to look “put together” even though I feel anything but. And often I feel grateful for a job that I love, that gives me a sense of purpose and that allows me to keep working. 

It’s ok not to be ok. We’ll be alright. And until we are - hold to your friends and your community tight.