It’s OK not to be OK

I was recently asked: how do we fight the feelings of despair, fear, anger or even full-blown depression when we are continually faced with our village falling prey to this pandemic, with political shenanigans like voter suppression legislation in states all across this country, and with yet another killing of an unarmed Black man? The first thing we do is not “fight” the feelings, (fighting presumes that feelings are negative). We stand firmly on the fact that feelings (emotions) are neither good nor bad. They may be comfortable or uncomfortable, but they are not good or bad. Feelings just are. 

Emotions are a reaction - sometimes a visceral one - to the things that happen around us. In today’s America, we have every right to be in despair, to be fearful, to be angry, (enraged even!) and to be depressed. I admonish those of us feeling this myriad of emotions to not fight them when they show up, but to acknowledge each and every one of those feelings by calling out the emotions by name, then pausing and just sitting with them. Don't do anything, don't go act out on any of them but just sit in that feeling of despair, sit in that feeling of fear and anger and depression; sit there long enough so that the emotions begin to move through you.  

Then look for understanding. What's beneath your feelings? Broadly we understand why we're all in despair, and fearful, and angry, and depressed, but what specific connection do these emotions have to you and your life? Why is this impacting you? Learn to manage the emotion in the moment so that you are not lashing out in ways that do not serve you or your loved ones. You may need to shut down and pull back, turn off the television, close your ears for a moment to the cacophony of voices. Some of you may need to get out in the community, take to the streets to volunteer, march, wear symbols of our anger or engage in healthy public dialogues. Whatever it is we do, we must process our pain. We can't just wallow in it and let it fester like a sore. There is much to do with our feelings; but we do not fight them. That is a fight I’m afraid we will never win.