It's OK to Decline the Video Portion of a Video Call

Plus, other ways to foster connection while we're apart.

During these unprecedented times, I have been so encouraged by the creativity and resilience people have shown, whether it’s managing their own physical and mental health, finding ways to help others, or staying connected to family, friends, and colleagues. Technology has played a key role in all of this. Companies and institutions are offering virtual ways for us to enhance our well-being – many for free – from exercise and meditation classes to free online courses (my favorite is from Yale on The Science of Well-being!). And the way in which we’ve collectively embraced video technology in such a short time has been remarkable. I have to admit prior to COVID-19, it was a pretty rare occasion for me to join a video call!

Rather than controlling or distracting us, we’ve made online technology work for us to help us stay connected in the time of physical distancing. Not only are we enjoying video reunions with faraway family and video hangouts with friends, we’re also meeting via video chat with co-workers. Video meetings have helped me feel more connected to my team and colleagues as I work from home.

A colleague of mine pointed out that there’s something about seeing people’s faces in their own environment that is more intimate than emails and texts—and I agree. Many of us now know the names of everybody's children and/or pets, who are occasionally making appearances on our video calls. I know what books are on people’s bookshelves and what sports teams they like. These are moments of authentic humanity that we may have overlooked or taken for granted before because they were so accessible. That greater appreciation for maintaining human connection is certainly something I'm hopeful that we hold on to long past this current situation.

As much as we’ve all embraced video, I’m starting to realize that there can sometimes be too much of a good thing. I have started to notice that eight hours a day on video calls leaves me feeling pretty overwhelmed and drained. While video calls do allow us to see each other’s faces, they’re very different from in-person meetings, during which I can look around the room, make eye contact with colleagues individually, read body language, and take notes.

On the other hand, during a video meeting, it feels as if a spotlight is constantly shining on me – and several of my colleagues have said the same thing. There’s also a new fascination with people’s offices and homes on video calls. I admit that I enjoy seeing others’ work spaces, but honestly, I don’t want everyone in my house all day. And even when I switch out my Zoom background, video calls still give me that “always on” feeling.

If you are feeling a little fatigued by the number of video meetings, take solace in the fact that you’re not alone. Here are a few things to consider before you send or accept that next video call invitation.

Just as you need to create and stick to boundaries when it comes to consumption of the 24/7 news cycle and social media, the same should apply to when you choose to enable your video chat. Figure out what works for you and your teams. Be open and thoughtful about what modes of technology you’re using for what you are trying to accomplish. Be intentional about video interactions—and make them planned and meaningful. At the very least, you can make the video part of your virtual meeting optional. One more piece of advice: if video participation is required, be clear about it in your invite. No one wants to be caught off guard with untamed hair and unbrushed teeth.

It’s important for us to realize that while we are hard-wired to be social creatures, real feelings of connection come from the inside. Think about the times when you've been surrounded by people at a party or a mall and still felt alone, or times you’ve been sitting by yourself yet still felt incredibly connected to family, friends, and colleagues. So, while video can certainly add value to a virtual meeting with co-workers or get-together with college friends, it can’t really manufacture a feeling of human connection any more than other forms of communication. As much as possible, lean into a medium of contact that resonates with you. Personally, I can feel just as connected with high-quality texts, calls, and emails. In fact, this is why online dating works.

Done thoughtfully and in the right amounts, video technology can be a powerful tool until we can get back to in-person meetings, which will happen one day. In the meantime, remember that quality still matters over quantity, for all of our methods of communication. It’s all about real connection.