It's a Numbers Game: How is your Praise to Criticism Ratio?

Ever notice how certain words bring out fascinating reactions in people? Early in my career, the moment someone asked, "So, what do you do?" and I replied, "I’m an... A-c-c-o-u-n-t-a-n-t," I could practically see their soul leave the room. Cue the awkward pause. Who here knows an accountant? And who is brave enough to admit they are one?

Yes, I identify as a recovering accountant. From a young age, I knew I had a special gift. Was my favourite toy an abacus? OK, maybe not - but I was destined. Princess of spreadsheets. Queen of number crunching. Master of data, formulas, and ratios... You get the picture.

It started young. My passion for numbers led me to pursue a career that allowed me to use my superpowers, particularly in an industry that loved number crunching more than most - manufacturing.

My skills were put to good use, and I was proud of it. So proud when I was promoted to State Financial Controller. I had reached the pinnacle of numbers, the biggest game of them all - the annual stocktake. Coordinating hundreds of staff to count thousands of stock items, across hundreds of square meters - here was my moment to shine. Procedures, databases, count sheets (showing my age!), weeks of preparation, ready to be put to the test.

The big day came, and I worked tirelessly across all teams, checking, shadowing, and double-counting. Finally, it was time to present my findings to the Site General Manager. Ready to showcase my work, I was confident in the value I’d uncovered.

He held my gaze for a moment and asked me only one question: "Carolyn, did the teams do anything right today?"

The power of a quality question, and it hit me hard. The truth of it sank in. Despite my very best intentions, I realised that, in my quest to improve and find opportunities, I had been... demotivating. Instead of lifting people up, I had focused on the flaws. The gravity of that moment forced me to reflect.

Reflections on a Numbers Game

I could easily justify my actions. I could say, “Well, I’m analytical. I’m wired to see what’s not right and to look for what can be improved.” But as I reflected, I realised something deeper - this wasn’t about my nature or my profession. It was about the choices I was making. What we focus on, it what we get, to the exclusion of everything else.

I decided then to start to reframe my focus, also looking for what was right.

The Numbers Game in Leadership

As I continued to grow in my career, I came across research from the Harvard Business Review The Ideal Praise to Criticism Ratio on why some teams in the same organisation were high-performing while others were not. One key difference they found was the ratio of positive feedback to critique.

High-performing teams had a ratio of 5.6 : 1. (For my fellow accountants, that’s 5.687:1 ??) More simply put, for every piece of critical feedback, there were six moments of positive reinforcement.

When we fuel positive interactions, we build a “trust bank.” A balance we can draw from when we need to deliver constructive criticism.

And this isn't just about teams at work. Research has shown the same ratio applies to relationships. John Gottman’s research on personal relationships The Magic Relationship Ratio also found that the 'magic ratio' for a healthy marriage is 5:1. The more positivity you invest in others, the more trust and engagement you build.

Applying the Numbers Game to Everyday Life

Of course, do I manage to hit that 6:1 ratio every day? No. Life happens. And yes, it can be especially difficult when I have a mother-of-sons moment, eyeing a wet towel that is left lying there again, not on the rack that’s right there.

But I’m working on it.

In both leadership and life, it's all about choices - our focus, shapes our thoughts, shapes our words, shapes our actions. I’ve learned to approach my interactions like the numbers game it is. The more we build people up, the more we can inspire and motivate. It’s not about ignoring the 5%, but about recognising the 95% that’s going well.

Takeaway for Leaders

Whether in business or in life, it's a numbers game. The more we acknowledge the positive, the more we create an environment where people feel motivated to improve. It’s not about neglecting what needs fixing - it’s about making sure we celebrate what’s working.

So, what’s your ratio today?

Also sending a high-5 (or 5.6) to my fellow recovering accountants!