It’s nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice

"Are you ok?"

"I mean, you don't look ok…"

It was someone in HR. We were in a small dimly lit meeting room and I'd just received my first 360-degree feedback at work.

"I think I might puke" I replied quietly, running from the room to find the nearest toilet.

It was 2005 and I was 32 years old. I'd been a manager of teams for 5 years.

Wikipedia describes 360 degree feedback as"...a process through which feedback from an employee's subordinates, colleagues, and supervisor(s), as well as a self-evaluation by the employee themselves, is gathered. "

I was working at Electronic Arts, and in many ways, it was a dream job. I was involved in big video game franchises with opportunities to meet people like actors from the Harry Potter movies and Lord of the Rings. I'd also made a terrific group of friends and was having a positive impact on the people around me, or so I thought.

Be where you are, otherwise you'll miss your life

"He looks tired, is he part of many clubs?"

It was the school nurse, she was doing a check-up on our son.

"Only one" my wife replied "It's a swimming club, he loves swimming"

"Good" She replied. "You don't want to put children into too many clubs, they still need plenty of rest and sleep at this age" (my son is 7 years old).

"What about playdates?" The nurse continued. "He'll need to play at home more than formal learning, it's hugely beneficial to their overall wellbeing"

We thought visiting the school nurse would just be a basic medical checkup. Not so in Denmark as they're very interested in a child's mental health & wellbeing.

Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children play is serious learning. Play is really the work of childhood

Education and society in the UK tends to prioritise STEM (Science, Technology, English & Maths). The focus is on testing from an early age and schools meeting targets associated with those tests.

It's very different from our experience in Denmark.

Before we left the UK our son was required to attend school from the age of 4 (he was a summer-born). A school system focused on formal classroom education with lots of rules originating from tradition more than logic.

On top of this, they have control systems in the form of sticker charts and certificates for good behaviour. This resulted in children behaving in a certain fashion not because they were motivated for the right reasons, but because they wanted to get externally rewarded.

Our son was not flourishing in that school system. His home life was so different from his school life. We were seen as somewhat alternative parents. We co-slept, we focused on compassion and self-esteem over reading, English and maths, and those sticker charts or any other kind of motivation outside of wanting to do something because he knew it was the right thing to do, they didn't exist for him outside his classroom.

Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world

The starting age for school in Denmark is 6 or 7, an age Stanford University found to be a great point in time for beginning school and growing mental health, self-control and wellbeing.

As a family, this suited us perfectly.

The Danish school my son now attends focuses on learning through play, building relationships and nurturing self-esteem. It's not a special school, it's our local free school for anyone with children living in the area.

My son doesn't even know what a test is yet, and I'm cool with that.

75 percent of long-term job success depends on people skills, while only 25 percent on technical knowledge

(source: The Hard Truth about Soft Skills | AMA (amanet.org))

Back to my 360… It was carried out by a professional business. A business that many well known tech companies hire to help its leaders find their leaders of tomorrow.

Finding those leaders of tomorrow can be a brutal process for those with only a few years under their belt, and I was no exception.

Many high profile employers across the USA and UK complain that students joining the workforce are lacking fundamental skills. Skills like being able to collaborate, communicate, think critically and interact effectively with others.

It's not just students either. Businesses around the globe spend millions of dollars each year on teaching their employees the basics of being human. From Empathy, compassion & understanding, to active listening and contributing to others' success. A typical workplace can literally be starved of what most businesses call 'soft skills'.

In 2005 it was my soft skills in question.

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive

My main memories of being at school between age 7 and 11 are not happy ones. The cane was a common occurrence (being hit by a large stick by the head of school) and the teachers appeared to dislike children altogether.

After my 360 degree feedback, I realised all the baggage I was carrying around from my childhood was bleeding out into the teams I managed.

When you manage others, when you lead people, when you're a leader, you need to have real and active emotional intelligence.

It's not that hard to spot the difference between those that have it and those that don't. Politics aside let's take Obama and Trump as examples in the USA. Which one of those do you think has successfully dealt with any baggage they had from their childhood?

Whatever you are, be a good one

15 years after that ego crushing 360 review, I've found myself living in a nordic society matching my own ideals. Ideals opposite to the ones which formed the baggage I'd been carrying all those years ago.

What I really like about how the Danes look at their children is not just the understanding that they are our leaders of tomorrow, it's the proactive nature of nurturing them to be highly effective leaders, and people that don't have so much baggage in adulthood.

As one Dane put it to me when I questioned what this approach could mean for innovation and the future.

"If you look hard enough, it's easy to see innovation isn't simply a technical matter, it's one of understanding how people and societies work, and what they need and want."

If they're right, and I hope they are, Denmark could at some point be the country with the largest population of emotionally intelligent humans.

I imagine that means they'll be giving us more than probably the best lager in the world.

And here's a thing, maybe my sons won't need to be taught how to work well with others through active listening, communication and empathy when they join the workplace.

That would be a great result.

Want to explore your childhood baggage controlling you? Do you want to improve your kid's EQ (emotional intelligence)?

Below are 3 habits you can do as a leader or parent. I'm working on them myself and it's not easy. I consider myself a beginner, yet I'm trying, and I'm proud of that, let's all be proud of trying, perhaps that next 360-degree feedback session we have won't be so crushing.

1. Learn the pro's and cons of Positive Parenting (yes there are some cons, it's really hard emotionally though totally worth it)
2. Practice Empathy, and don't stop there, move it to compassion and you'll be firing on all cylinders. Brene Brown is a great starting point for this.
3. Ask your school or local government for broader education, not narrower. We need to also prioritise compassion and humanity in our children's education, not just STEM or STEAM.

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See you next time for Episode 21.

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