It’s Never Easy to Be a Man, but it’s worth it; Men and Mental Health, Father’s Day Edition

A survey by Kenya Demographic and Health Survey (2022) found out that 3% of men aged between 15-49 years have ever received a diagnosis of either depression or anxiety by a health care worker. Surprisingly, only 21% of those identified reported to have received or are receiving treatment. So what happened or happens to the 79% untreated cases? Where are they? How are they coping? Do their families or friends even know they are struggling with a mental health condition? So many questions around men and mental health remain unanswered.

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A quick search on Google on men and mental health confirms that men and mental health are not words that often find themselves in one sentence, not that they are grammatically wrong, but because as articulated by James Wilkerson in his TED talk on When We Cry: Mental Health, Masculinity, and Male Identity, the toxicity wall that stands between men and their mental health is that men get exposed to socially prescribed emotions that are considered acceptable for them; happiness, anger, and excitement. If a man expresses his vulnerability such as feelings of fear, stress or sadness, the closest of consolation majority of them would receive are crass statements like mwanaume ni kukaa ngumu. Probably it is this need to kukaa ngumu that caused the 79% to fall through the cracks and not receive the mental health care they needed or need to address their anxiety and depression.

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I had the privilege of getting married to a wonderful man for 13 years, until his untimely demise in 2023. In those 13 years, I only saw his tears once!, just once!! and only lasted less than 5mins and his face was wiped clean, took a deep breath and changed the topic. This was two weeks after the death of his father, he was expressing how much he missed him, he was the last born, his father loved him dearly, and I know he did too, but never did I hear either of them express it to each other. Let’s take a moment and picture this scene, that magical moment when an African man, a Kenyan father tells his grown up son, “I love you son, I am proud of you”. Eight powerful letter words that if they are to come from a father to a son, would mean so much to a man, whether a boy or a grown up.

Thankfully, my three sons had the chance to hear the words I love you from their father almost every day. Regrettably, when our son was 10 years, while having a phone conversation with his dad and he started crying, reason, because he had missed him; the father was away for 3 months because of COVD -19 lockdown, and when the fathers explanations were not making sense to a son, he finally told him stop being a sissy and man up, there is nothing he can do.? That was utterly insensitive, and uncalled for, I could tell that a father was feeling sad and frustrated that he couldn’t do anything about the situation. It took a separate discussion with the father to help him realize that our son was hurt and more than anything he needed reassurance from him that he is still loved as a son, that he is not being abandoned nor rejected because of his absence, a damage he was able to repair. 3 years later on Father’s Day, my son video called me with tears welled up in his eyes, even before he said it; I knew it was about his late father.? I allowed him to express himself, we both cried in the conversation, though I am not a man, as his mum, I validated his sadness, his wish to have his dad alive so that he can wish him a Happy Father’s day. Once he was calm, I asked him what his dad would have told him if he was alive and this was his response, “ son, I love you, keep doing your best in school, thank you for taking care of your mum and siblings, I am proud of you”. I was awed, I re-affirmed the same words, and asked him to believe them, because they are true.

I am glad that my husband died having appreciated that it was ok for his son to cry, to be vulnerable and that that did not make him a sissy, but just an updated version of manning up. Like many men, my husband would be going through a serious crisis at work and all he could say is that it is an issue at work and that he needs to keep his head high. Most times, no amount of probing to know more would yield much, he would just say, he is handling it. I wonder whether it’s a bro code that directs that a man can only talk about it if it is good, not when it’s bad, to the detriment of men suffering in silence. Life stressors such as work related stress, financial difficulties, relationship issues, shame, guilt, loss and grief, sadness, fears, feelings of inadequacy among others are just but an array of human experiences that there should be no shame or stigma in talking about them. But in a world where real men are supposed to man up, being vulnerable has been an embarrassing and stigmatizing experience for men. For majority escapism (seeking distraction or relief from unpleasant realities) and externalization (e.g. sadness expressed anger or aggression) become the adopted coping mechanism.

Could this be what got us to these kinds of statistics; 1 in every 3 males are using drugs, the risk of depressive disorder is 2 times higher among alcohol and drug users, 1 in every 20 Kenyans between 15-64 years is addicted to alcohol (NACADA, 2022); an estimated 3214 people died by suicide in Kenya (WHO, 2019) majority of those being men, (47%) of women aged 15-49 reported that they had experienced either physical or sexual violence (National Bureau of Statistics, 2014) , sad statistics. I ask again, could these statistics be the result of escapism and externalization of mental issues in men? Alcohol and drug use, gambling, anxiety pornography, depression, suicides, homicides, fights, road rage are just but a few issues our current society laments that our men are struggling with. But, have we taken a moment to explore some of the underlying issues that men have gone through or go through with little or no opportunities to intimately share with someone, to be heard and understood, without being quickly brushed off into manning up, spaces to ventilate? Have we heard the men in our lives complain about, or as a man experience a constant headache, upset stomach, heartburn, neck, chest and back pains, and fatigue? The problem could be more psychological than physical; not in all cases though.

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Sorry to the men who have been exposed to toxic masculinity, apologies to those who tried to be vulnerable and were met with stigmatization and mockery. ?In the same breath, please men, welcome the emotions as they come, they are not permanent, unless you allow them to, acknowledge them, validate them, it’s not a sign of weakness; it only shows that you are human. Identify the cause of them and address it, even if not immediately, purpose to address it. You do not have to do it by yourself, share with a trusted friend, your spouse, your parent, your mentor or an expert in what you are struggling with. If you are a believer take it to the Lord in prayer, ask Him to show you what and how to do it, and who to go to for help, and He shall guide you. Being vulnerable allows one to be authentic; it allows you to be in touch with self and gives one a chance to take responsibility for ones actions. Give manning up an update from the current version of dealing with it as a man through isolation and silence to bravery by seeking help, yes, saying I need help is ok, saying that you are struggling is ok, it is a sign of bravery, the latest version of manning up.

To us whom the men marshal the courage to speak to, be a safe space; be empathic, be kind, listen without judgment, be compassionate and genuine. To those who can’t reach out, let us do the reaching out. Check on your fathers, brothers, husbands, sons, nephews, check on the men in your life. Let’s seek to build successful men, in my view, the true sense of worth of a man lies in his identity, not just the external indicators of success such as career, financial success or what he can provide. To be a man is to be human first, and we must find avenues and opportunities, to help men, young and old find their true identity, an answer to the question, WHO AM I? When our men know who they are in their strengths and in their flaws, the self-assured fathers who will not hesitates to tell a son, I love you son, I am proud of you, keep putting your best foot forward. Men who will model that it is ok to express emotions, negative and positive ones alike, how to express vulnerability, not to seek for pity, but to speak personal truths, to be heard and understood. Maybe this is one of the ways to bring down the statistics.

Celebrating men’s mental health awareness month and Happy Father’s day!

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