It's never about the dishes

Let’s face it—relationships are complicated, whether you’re navigating a romantic partnership, figuring out how to work with your colleagues, or dealing with your best friend who can’t seem to text back in a timely fashion. And if there’s one truth Friends taught us, it’s that “I want you to want to do the dishes” isn’t really about the dishes. It’s about the deeper stuff: being seen, feeling supported, and knowing that someone cares enough to step up without being asked.

The dishes—whether they’re literal or metaphorical—represent something bigger. At home, they might be a cry for teamwork, an SOS for shared responsibility. At work, they’re the tasks that no one wants to do but need doing, the extra effort that says, “I’ve got your back.” And in every kind of relationship, the real meaning lies beneath the surface. It’s not the dishes. It’s the desire to feel valued.

Here’s the catch: none of us are great at this all the time. And by “none of us,” I mean absolutely no one. I, for one, mess up constantly. I miss signals, misunderstand intentions, and sometimes turn what could’ve been a heartfelt moment into an awkward apology because Iv'e made a dog's dinner out of it. And yet, that’s okay. Relationships—personal or professional—don’t demand perfection. They just ask that we try.

If I'm honest, most of the real communication in relationships happens in what’s not said. Your partner might ask, “Are you going to sit there all evening?” but what they really mean is, “I miss you, and I’d love if we spent some time together.” Your coworker might send a short email that says, “Can we talk?” but what they’re really asking is, “Can I count on you to listen?”

Recognizing these unspoken messages isn’t about being a mind reader—it’s about paying attention. It’s noticing the sigh when someone’s overwhelmed or the way they hesitate before asking for help. It’s seeing the frustration in their body language and choosing to engage with curiosity and care.

The best way to uncover these hidden messages is to listen. And I don’t just mean nodding and waiting for your turn to talk. I mean really listening. That means tuning into tone, body language, pauses, and even silences. When your partner is clattering dishes loudly into the sink, there’s a good chance it’s not about the dishes. When your coworker starts a meeting with a heavy sigh, they’re probably carrying more than a to-do list.

Listening like this can feel a bit uncomfortable at first. It requires slowing down and being fully present—something that’s not exactly easy when life feels like it’s running at full speed. But the payoff is huge. When people feel genuinely heard, it deepens trust, strengthens connections, and lays the foundation for stronger relationships.

Here’s the secret: people don’t want grand gestures (okay, sometimes they do—who doesn’t love a surprise coffee or flowers?). Most of the time, though, it’s the small stuff that matters. At home, it might look like saying, “Hey, let me get the dishes tonight. You’ve had a long day.” At work, it could be jumping in with, “I noticed you’ve got a lot on your plate—want me to take a look at that report?” These little acts show people that you’re paying attention and that you care.

And yes, you’re going to get it wrong sometimes. You’ll miss the signals, say the wrong thing, or make a mistake. But that’s part of the deal. Relationships—whether personal or professional—aren’t about being perfect. They’re about showing up, being willing to learn, and doing your best to be better tomorrow than you were today.

Here’s the good news: no one expects you to get it right all the time. Not your partner, not your coworkers, not your friends, not your boss. What matters is that you try. Trying means showing up for the people in your life with an open heart, even when you’re not sure you know what they need. It means being willing to say, “I don’t know how to fix this, but I’m here for you.”

Relationships thrive on effort. They’re built on those moments where we stop what we’re doing, tune in, and say, “You matter to me.” And when we mess up—which we will—they’re strengthened by our willingness to apologize, to listen, and to try again.

At the end of the day, it’s never just about the dishes. It’s about feeling supported and cared for. It’s about knowing that someone wants to be part of the solution, not because they have to, but because they want to. That’s true in personal relationships, and it’s just as true in the workplace.

So, the next time someone brings up the “dishes” in your life—whether it’s a stack of actual plates, a stressful project, or an emotional conversation—pause for a moment. Ask yourself: what’s the unspoken message here? How can I show up in a way that makes this person feel seen and valued?

And if all else fails, just do the dishes. Seriously, it’s a good place to start.