It's A Matter of Values

According to the 2020 census, “nearly 1,500 race and ethnicity groups and American Indian and Alaska Native (AIAN) tribes and villages” are represented in America.?

Some of you might read that number and wonder, “How can it be so high?”

Some of you might read that number and think, “How great that there are so many different types of people here!”

I thought: “How could we possibly all understand and fully function alongside one another?”

The answer: we don’t have to. At least not fully.

Let’s use me as an example.?

My ethnic background is Chinese-Vietnamese-American.?

During meetings in which I am a participant, you likely won’t find me talking very much.

Why? It’s a little complicated. But if you got to know me, you would discover:

• As one of the few Asian kids at my school during the 5th grade, I was picked on. This instilled in me a value for making sure that when I spoke, I blew people out of the water.
• My parents were refugees from the Vietnam war and, having little when they raised us, every little thing mattered. This developed within me a value for listening to and processing every single word that is said in conversations. Which leaves less capacity for me to also consider what to say, at least as quickly as others.?
• Growing up, efficiency was a high value for my family. For me, this translated into conversations as the value that “if it has been said, then there’s no point in me reiterating that.”

So what do you see??

There are many different factors that form who I am:?

• Chinese culture
• Vietnamese culture
• American culture

And to be stirred carefully: I grew up in a small?Texas city (without many Asians in it) and my wife, Arianna, is White American (she is unsure of the specifics).?

With all of that, it would be near impossible to see me and know how to best engage me as a member of your team.

So instead, what if we were able to ascertain a person’s values and come to understand why they have them??

Back to me: I could have shared with you my background without sharing my values. The result? Most of you would have no idea how my background informed why I don’t talk as much in meetings.?

Conversely, I could have shared with you my values without sharing my background and it would be a mixed jury on how serious my values are to me.

Each of us have individual, complex backgrounds. They contribute to the formation of our values. Our values play a major role in how we engage with the world, including work.?

Knowing the importance, I now want to share three things to consider in understanding others’ values:

Know yourself: It’s incredibly difficult to accurately assess how others’ values are formed and why they believe what they do if you don’t know the same about yourself.?

In The Leadership Challenge, James M. Kouzes and Barry Z. Posner says:

“To find your voice, you have to discover what you care about, what defines you, and what makes you who you are. You have to explore your inner self. You can only be authentic when you lead according to the principles that matter most to you.”?

When you are leading according to your values it brings clarity to your leadership, both for yourself and those around you.? So, start with some introspection. Ask yourself:

• What are some things I care deeply about? Maybe consider what you spend most of your time thinking about/doing and why that is the case. Some examples:
• You spend a lot of time on your budget = you care about stability
• You have family game time every Saturday = family and fun are important to you
• What about my past (recent and historic) have formed me in this way
• Recent: We’re always experiencing new things and some of them have a lasting impact on us. For example, enduring a traumatic event might make you more prone to dismissing others as you’re still struggling to keep yourself afloat.
• Historic: If we dig deep into ourselves we can find past events that we know were formative for us, like an acceptance letter into college. There are also events which we might be surprised about the impact of. As an example: my parents divorced when I was one year old and 23 years later I realized that it made me skeptical about my own ability to have a lasting relationship.
• How could I describe this value and reasoning in a sentence or two? For examples, revisit my life’s bullet points from the beginning.

Listen Well: In The Culture Map by Erin Meyer, she says that “being a good listener is just as important for effective communication as being a good speaker. And both of these essential skills are equally variable from one culture to another.”?

For that, we can remember to engage in active listening. Some quick considerations in active listening are:

• Reiterate what you are hearing and/or agreeing upon, then…
• Ask open-ended questions using what, why, and how statements
• I heard you say they made you feel uncomfortable. What did you do about that?
• Wow, you’re a ____? Why did you choose that profession?
• You said you started your company during COVID. How did it impact your start?
• Help the other person feel heard, not judged.
• Check your body language (facial expressions, arm position, posture)
• Avoid combative statements like “this is ridiculous!”, “how could you possibly believe…!” or “you’re an idiot!”
• Tell them “thank you for sharing”

We want to show the other person that we care about them by listening actively. But if we want to understand their values, we need to be able to know them on a deeper level. Assess the situation and if it feels like a good time, then be willing to dig deeper with your questions. Consider asking them the questions from the “know yourself” section, above.

Learn from one another: I recently started listening to a podcast called A Slight Change of Plans by Dr. Maya Shankar. In the first episode, she interviews Daryl Dixon, a Black blues musician who befriended KKK members and eventually led them to renounce their beliefs.?

Dixon said, “We spend too much time in this country talking about the other person, talking at the other person, and talking past the other person. I prefer to talk with the other person and that has been the key to my success.”?

Daryl’s success in converting KKK members (which wasn’t his intention) came through having civilized conversations and learning from one another. Let’s take the posture of a learner so that we can come to a place of finding common ground with even the most unlikely of people. How can you do so? In addition to actively listening to those you’re talking to, you might consider:

• Attending Awareness Events: I recently attended a Lunar New Year event at a local Christian university. They had a festival with music, games, food, and cultural learning stations. A clear presentation was given about the values behind the different cultural celebrations for Lunar New Year.
• Thinking of someone who you know you disagree with on something, but you also respect one another. Grab coffee or a meal with them and ask them about their opinion(s) while engaging with your active listening skills.

The practice of ascertaining a person’s values and understanding why they believe what they do is one that we can engage in both within and without the workplace. Note I used the word practice! It doesn’t happen magically in one interaction.?

It is relevant in building diverse teams. It is relevant in building trust in your community. It is relevant in engaging in tricky conversations (politics, religion, justice, etc). My hope is that we’ll all become people who understand that to work (and live) alongside others in a country that is so diverse…

…is a matter of understanding values. You’ve got this!

Jonathan Tran

MELD Director of Operations