It's a Matter of Relationships

“Bridging the Gap” between separated active duty military services members over to civilian life is what I find myself doing these days. Having been in the military, I do it because I still feel an urge to serve my brothers and sisters. At times, I believe no one else does it or they do it for profit and/or gain. I have been a “bridge builder” for several years at home and abroad. Sometime ago, I was a taught a phrase that greatly impacted me: “We need to build human capital the ‘old fashion’ way.” Meaning get in your car/convoy/helicopter and visit your engagement target/influencer in person for a cup of coffee…..Or grab a USAID Officer and a USDA (Department of Agriculture) Official, toss them in a helicopter and fly down to the city of Mahmudiya in South Baghdad for a “grip and grin” with the local civic and community leaders.

The person who inspired me “to be there for people” was my mom. This 20 year old young lady left Mexico to run away from an abusive marriage and a life of no hope to the United States. She relied on the charity and grace of many people; from a nun, a sheriff’s deputy, and other immigrants. Later in life this lady would pull over in the middle of the freeway to pick up hitchhikers who were on their way to a better life. My dad is another servant. He shared stories about people who aided him as he hitchhiked from Connecticut to Fresno, California to live with his aunt. I later saw him give farm workers rides to the fields/orchards on his way to work. These were strangers helping strangers and at the end of each experience the strangers made a connection and formed a relationship. My dad has passed away but those memories still inspire his kids “to be there.”

Many religious institutions are great at the essential task of “being there” to “build a bridge.” They select/train their staff members, team them with their extraverts/introverts, and some professional folks (PA’s, mid wives, OB GYN’S, Farmers, etc.); then send them out to be the “salt of the earth” to remote villages. When they arrive the do there best live life with their target audience, assist their new neighbors by providing critical resources and then share the “Word.” In later years, a good church will run the same process to connect with their retired missionaries that are not able to attend services or events. In a sense, a bridge was built for a continuum of care/services. All this is achieved by being physically present sharing the moment and for these people the sharing of the “Good News.”

If we Google? the word “relationship” we find:

re·la·tion·shipr??lāSH(?)n?SHip/nounnoun: relationship; plural noun: relationships

1. the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected."the study will assess the relationship between unemployment and political attitudes"
   • the state of being connected by blood or marriage."they can trace their relationship to a common ancestor"
   • the way in which two or more people or organizations regard and behave toward each other. "the landlord–tenant relationship"

Establishing the definition and meaning of words is the first step in the process of developing a relationship. Learning or teaching a new language is an awesome journey being exposed to the entire culture and history of the words and phrases that you are learning to pronounce and/or write.

Today, there are several different methods of connecting to and sharing our good news, rants, and raves. Because of time and distance these tools have become a necessity but I also believe that we have strayed away from the “old fashioned way” of face to face. In 1998, our Battalion Commander ripped into a company commander for trying to lead his troops by email. It was clear that he was not physically where he was supposed to be. Commanders cannot lead their unit via email and they’d better get out of their office and spend time with their troops. I have a feeling that the young commander was avoiding doing PT with some of his squads. It’s been almost 20 years since I heard that young commander getting lambasted but I am sure there are many leaders who still lead at the key board when their troops are just 50 meters away.

In the civilian world (public and private sector) we have folks that would rather email the person in the cubical right in front of them and to avoid getting up for the conversation. This begs the questions; why are we so afraid to talk to each other!?? Are we that lazy to get up and discuss the context of the message? Or why we are too busy to talk to our co-worker with regards to work!?? We are willing to complain about our snoring spouse or the heat in our building but we do everything to avoid being asked questions about our current task. There are so many misunderstandings that lead to an organization’s reputation being tarnished at home and abroad. In the case of hiring Veterans, corporations and small businesses has allowed easily accessible information paint a misleading picture of today’s Veteran, without physically spending time with a Vet.  I was in a meeting this week and my focus was to convince an HR Executive to support the idea of encouraging and more importantly allowing the HR team to get in their car and/or pick up a phone to ask a hiring manager to simply “interview” a Veteran. That’s all. We are not asking people to blindly hire a Vet. If the Veteran meets the minimum qualifications . . . . can you at least interview and meet him/her? It was clear that this leader, whom I have spent time with, had not established a strong enough relationship with the hire mangers to pick up the phone herself. I was let down that day. (Don’t get down on me here . . . we have some great recruiters and HR folks that run and gun for our Vets!). In this case, this leader was out of touch with her subordinate units and with our Veterans.

In order to be successful as a leader or as an individual contributor you need to have a shared conscious of what is going on with your 4 dimensional professional life. There are those people above you, those below you, your team mates, and your partners/customers. Hence the words “customer” and “partner”.

If we Google? the word “customer” we find:

cus·tom·er?k?st?m?r/ nounnoun: customer; plural noun: customers

1. a person or organization that buys goods or services from a store or business."Mr. Harrison was a regular customer at the Golden Lion"

2. a person or thing of a specified kind that one has to deal with."the fish is a slippery customer and very hard to catch"

If we Google? the word “service” we find:

serv·ice?s?rv?s/nounnoun: service

1. the action of helping or doing work for someone."millions are involved in voluntary service"

• an act of assistance.plural noun: services"he has done us a great service"
• assistance or advice given to customers during and after the sale of goods."they aim to provide better quality of service"
• the action or process of serving food and drinks to customers."they complained of poor bar service"
• short for service charge."service is included in the final bill"
• a period of employment with a company or organization."he retired after 40 years' service"
• employment as a servant."the pitifully low wages gained from domestic service"
• the use that can be made of a machine."the computer should provide good service for years"
• a periodic routine inspection and maintenance of a vehicle or other machine."he took his car in for service"
• the armed forces.plural noun: services; plural noun: the services"troops from all branches of the services"
• Britishan area with parking beside a major road supplying gasoline, refreshments, and other amenities to motorists.plural noun: services

2. a system supplying a public need such as transport, communications, or utilities such as electricity and water."a regular bus service"

• a public department or organization run by the government."the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service"

3. a ceremony of religious worship according to a prescribed form; the prescribed form for such a ceremony."a funeral service"

4. a set of matching dishes and utensils used for serving a particular meal."a dinner service"

5.(in tennis and other racket sports) the action or right of serving to begin play.

• a serve.

6. Lawthe formal delivery of a document such as a writ or summons.

verbverb: service; 3rd person present: services; past tense: serviced; past participle: serviced; gerund or present participle: servicing

1. perform routine maintenance or repair work on (a vehicle or machine)."have your car serviced regularly"

• supply and maintain systems for public utilities and transportation and communications in (an area)."the town is small but well serviced"
• perform a service or services for (someone)."the state's biggest health maintenance organization servicing the poor"
• pay interest on (a debt)."taxpayers are paying $250 million just to service that debt"

2. (of a male animal) mate with (a female animal).

Here is a question to ponder: Is an elementary school teacher performing the duties of a sales representative or a customer service representative? Are they developing strong relationships with the [little] people they are interacting with for 6 hours on Monday through Friday?

The answer may be discovered by watching a pharmaceutical sales representative teach a room of nurses, PAs, and doctors how a drug works in the human body.  Pharmaceutical Reps are not experts of endocrinology but they are experts in the drug they are trying to sell, and they have spent time being present with the people in the doctors’ office and have developed a relationship with the staff. So how does the Teacher, Pharma Rep, Missionary, and/or Soldier build that relationship? They do this by getting in their car, canoe, or convoy and physically reaching out to that other person.

We all have heard that “it takes two to tango” well, there are actually three parts to the process. The leader, the follower, and the actual dance. They both need to understand what the Tango is and not necessarily know how to Tango. It takes practice. You can learn by watching the DVD or your friends - yet - - you need to get out on the floor and with a partner to practice this dance to truly appreciate the movement and the music working together. Therefore within a relationship, you need to physically experience the process of shaking hands, look into the other person’s eyes and force yourself to be present in the moment. Then you and your dance partner are able to begin the process of developing a real relationship.

The best bridge builders or relationship managers are not shy. They are professionally curious and will ask questions that will help them explore and understand who you, the potential customer, really are. They methodically scrape the surface off the greeting level of a conversation and try to help a potential customer. They take their time and allow you to breathe and think about the experience without being pressured to make a decision/choice. More importantly, they go the extra mile just to have the opportunity to learn about the variety of functions, processes and the diverse inner workings of each person’s job or personal endeavor. They understand that they need to learn more about the other person in the relationship in order to help them accomplish a task or achieve their desired outcome.

The only way to be able to learn more about your potential customer is by them feeling your presence and then you will both build enough trust to move forward with your relationship. Both of you need to be present, your mind and body need to share that specific moment in time and space. This level of relationship acumen allows you to appreciate what is driving his or her pulse to rise. Then and only then can you bring your resources together to connect dots and share solutions that you both can help prioritize. Honestly, isn’t customer service about serving one another?

I love being a Servant Leader helping and connecting people to accomplish great things for our Veterans. In the case of helping Veterans; there will always be a Veteran needing a resource like a job, legal support or a ride somewhere. If we are not careful, we will lose those needed resources because the trust is not there anymore to continue in the relationship.

The roles in every relationship are in constant change. Today, we may find ourselves as either the resource provider or as the resource receiver/consumer. In one phase of your relationship you will either be the teacher or the student. In the next phase of your journey you will be either the leader or the follower. On a few occasions I remember being taught by a Specialist/E4 how to pass the guard or better yet how to run more efficiently. In both instances, I had to focus and be in the moment with my fellow Soldier/my brother as his learner. Before we try to sell a new fishing pole or teach some someone how to fish we need to find out if /why they want to catch the fish. In my situation my run time was not cutting it and my Soldiers felt pity on me and coached me to max my PT Test.

If we Google? the word “humanity” we find:

hu·man·i·ty(h)yo?o?man?dē/nounnoun: humanity; plural noun: humanities

1. the human race; human beings collectively."appalling crimes against humanity"

• the fact or condition of being human; human nature."music is the universal language with which we can express our common humanity"

2. humaneness; benevolence."he praised them for their standards of humanity, care, and dignity"

At the end of the day shouldn’t we all strive to stand still and try to understand the people we are with at this moment?

As we step into the New Year I ask that we the first few days to be present for someone outside of our inner circle. This will eventually lead to a new or renewed relationship that will be beneficial for you and for those around you. If you have got this far in my little discussion I hope and pray that you found value in what I have shared. I believe that all the effort and achievements made for our Veterans we will someday be able to transcend for other folks in need.

If we can end Veterans Homelessness, and/or Veteran Unemployment then why not do same for everyone else. In 2013 couple of us began this mission in Upstate New York and later created the Complete the Mission Project. I based on the fifth stanza of the Range Creed where it says, “. . . and complete the mission though I be the lone survivor.” Projects are meant to be temporary but being there for one another is meant to be our legacy.

Thanks for sharing this moment and assisting make many great moments for our Vets!

Hooah!