“It’s just the tip of the iceberg!” We've all heard the familiar iceberg analogy...

by Stephen Trout

used to describe overwhelming emotions - whether frustration or elation, confusion or anxiety.

Picturing the familiar image of the floating berg reminds us that we only see 10% of the emotion picture - the other 90% being hidden below the surface. Yet even in an age that prizes authenticity and physical well-being, emotional health in the workplace doesn’t always get the attention it deserves.

Side-stepping our Emotions

There are reasons for this, of course. In the press of deadlines and quotas, it’s easy to think that the 90% simply doesn’t matter, or contribute to the "bottom line." Unfortunately, it’s only when there’s a problem impacting performance that we start to think about someone’s emotional health.

When we do address emotions, the responses can run the gamut: “Hey, if I get a little emotional and someone happens to get their feelings hurt, what can I do about it? What matters is getting the work done anyway, right?” Or, we may see the opposite: “I need to suppress my emotions as much as possible, for fear of making “an emotional decision.”

Note in both cases how emotions are viewed as suspect, primarily negative, and maybe even out of our control. But might there be a third, healthier way to deal with emotions? If so, how do we find it?

Emotions - a Vital Part of Us

Before we dive deeper, let's take stock: as much as we might choose to write off our emotions as unimportant; merely utilitarian products of untold years of “evolution and the survival instinct” (a response to ‘the strong eat the weak’) - our emotions themselves tell us differently. Even as robotic technologies and AI advances, deep down, we know we’re much more than robots, or mere “Vulcans” of logic.

Remember how Star Trek played with this tension? It was never enough for Spock or Data to respond with cold logic, even while all the scientific facts were coming in. It drove Bones crazy. A more “human” response - whatever that looked like - was always desired.  

The truth behind all those quests also matters to us. Even if we were taught that emotions simply don't matter much (stoicism), or have been “burned” by them in the past - we should know that emotions have a way of making themselves heard, in a myriad of ways.

Take anger for example. Most of us know a coworker or relative who is “blissfully ignorant” of how angry they really are. They like to pretend they’re fine, when really they’re a teapot that’s boiling over. Whether it seeps out slowly, or explodes loudly with a shrill sound, they always end up scalding those around them.

Unfortunately, the spillover of anger can also lead to poisonous responses from those it touches. Team members and family grow hard, slowly becoming the very thing they hate: angry, disgusted, cynical. Before long, heated emails fly, and cold wars ensue. In the workplace, staff morale sinks, negatively affecting customer service. Before you know it, market share drops. Are we exaggerating? It happens, more than we’d like to admit. (See this Study on Workplace Conflict.)

Of course, there is an appropriate anger, such as when others are being hurt and we’re spurred to action on their behalf. But the emotion that becomes toxic anger is more often the common variety - and those who have it are often the last to know. So how do we begin to address it, and explore our “emotional IQ” in general? The first step is to become self-aware. 

Become an Observer

Becoming self-aware begins by observing, taking note of your body’s physical responses (tense muscles, racing heart, fight or flight urges,etc.). We’ve all seen how stress can actually age a person more rapidly over time, and lead to things like high blood pressure and heart attacks.   

In addition, we need to ask ourselves, “What am I feeling?” Here is where emotions can function as signposts, pointing us to look deeper into the “heart of the matter” (or the 90% below the surface).

A quick side-note: Contrary to the popular view of the "heart" as just a metaphor for a mass of complex feelings, the ancient view understood the heart as a kind of central “engine” which drives us - the primary source of all desire, emotion, love, and goals. Far from being a superfluous part of us (as we sometimes “feel” emotions are), the heart is actually linked to feeling as well as thought and brain function. Or, think of it as a perpetual spring of water (also an ancient description) which bubbles up, and outward into the things we say and do.

Diagnosing the Heart

As opposed to something that we "must always follow," wise ones who went before us (think Socrates and others) understood - as any good physician does - that we begin the examination of our inner lives by asking good, diagnostic questions. For example: “In this situation where I felt so angry (and possibly distrustful, attacked, annoyed, hurt, or shamed - take note of these as well), what is it that I wanted or desired most?

Another way to say it is this: “What was the outcome that my heart was set on as a “non-negotiable,” a “must have” that’s now being blocked? What did I want most? (Try to be specific here). Was it validation? To be approved of, recognized for my work, or esteemed? Did I feel hurt when I wasn’t given that raise, possibly even shamed, or belittled? Unmet desires are common flash points for anger. 

Instead of playing the blame game (my outbursts are really everyone else’s fault), what if I took responsibility for my own desires and behaviors, recognizing that it was my own heart that determined that “I must have this.” It was me who decided then to respond in a toxic and caustic way, and treat others badly. Sure, someone else’s actions may provide the occasion or “temptation” for an outburst, but I still had a choice.

Why It Matters: Inner, Outer, and Others

Why does this inner heart analysis matter? Because unless we get to the root causes of our emotions, we’ll effectively stay enslaved to them and our responses. We’ll never be truly free to respond well to others - with the kindness and consideration we ourselves would like - when we’re needing to have our controlling desires met for our well-being and happiness. More likely, we’ll become thin-skinned, feeling cheated and angry when we don’t get what we want.

Increasing our emotional IQ then depends on this vital inner diagnosis. Rather than being enslaved to our emotions, we can actually learn to follow them to their source, and examine. Doing this can help us respond more appropriately to our amazing, yet often perplexing world - from an appreciation for other’s work, to gratitude for glorious sunsets. Rather than suppress, we can also face the more distressing matters in our lives with the empathy and kindness we long to have from others, and even grieve well when that is the appropriate response.

So what's your emotional IQ?

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