It's not just silver linings...it's that everything happens for you, not to you.

If you missed my Facebook LIVE "How to Turn disappointment into a win (with horses and in life)" last week, I want to give you the written version in this article today with a little more info, as I don’t think that most people truly understand or use this concept properly to succeed with horses (or in life) and, if you master this principle, it makes everything flow so much easier and with much more joy.

Flow...this is something that I hear from horse owners when they experience that moment where all the knowledge and practice finally come together in a spark of magic where horse and rider melt together as one and Lightness and Harmony rise to the surface to be received with joyful excitement, and sometimes tears.

It’s also the thing they complain about not having when I’m first evaluating their training situation.

People long for flow. Flow gets interrupted when we experience disappointment. Learning to deal with disappointment in a positive way is a life skill that is hugely beneficial in order to become unstoppable on your path towards your goals/dreams, whatever they may be.

Everyone has experienced being disappointed. Perhaps you expected to have a really great ride on your horse today or improve a specific exercise like the shoulder-in, but instead the exercise fell apart and your horse was unbalanced. Now you feel disappointed in yourself and the horse. The feeling of disappointment, unfortunately, has a tendency to go much deeper. It ties into our self-worth; we start doubting ourselves and how we do things. If the disappointment is bad enough it can stop us in our tracks and kill any momentum we have worked so hard to achieve.

Because nothing in this world ever stands still, trying to do so because something "stopped us" will actually create backwards movement. It is physically impossible to stay stationary because everything else is moving, inevitably you will find that you also have moved, but you’ve moved backwards. Therefore, our focus must always be to keep momentum and to continuously renew ourselves in order to keep growing, improving and moving forward.

The process of training and learning is cyclical like an upwards moving spiral, not linear. In my many years of training horses, I am used to this. You will move forward with one thing and then it’s inevitable that something else will break. This can show up as improving on the haunches in, only to find out that the shoulder-in is broken again. Now you have to take a step back in order to re-fix it but when you do, magically your haunches-in will improve too…catapulting you to the next level…where you will again plateau for a while and have to break through it before reaching the next high.

My question is…are you stuck on the plateau?

Did you misunderstand/misdiagnose the cyclical learning process as a failure, a disappointment or a loss?

That’s the other thing about disappointment…it feels like we lost something. Perhaps we lost an opportunity or an outcome we expected and now we connect that to having failed or being a failure.

This is only possible when we attach to one SINGULAR outcome/result. When we open up to true FLOW, we realize that every moment in life is open to a million different possibilities, and we start looking for all the good results. So, if you attach to the expectation that your shoulder-in should have been perfect, then you will ultimately see your ride that day as a failure.

When we open ourselves to flow, we open ourselves to multiple unexpected outcomes instead of just one…so your shoulder in didn’t go so well, but in the process of practicing you discovered a missing component to the movement, or you rode an awesome half pass or your horse was super excited to see you and you realized that your relationship is where flow begins anyway, etc., etc.

Life is just one big practice run of learning this and that and if you are lucky you stick to the things that bring you joy. Even when things go wrong, even if no one shows up, even if you fail that day – see it as your chance to practice your skills and experience.

Practice your Process, refine it and both your practice and process will improve because of it. This doesn’t mean that you should throw all your goals away. It means that in the process of completing them, you might achieve unexpected results/gains – make sure you acknowledge that and celebrate it. All plateaus are only temporary so long as you are willing to keep practicing until you have a breakthrough or notice a new door (an unexpected result) that unlocks and opens the door to the next level/next step. Set intentions for your practice instead of expectations, this way you will keep your mind open and be able to stay in flow.

When you go through the cycle of disappointment be careful not to attach to whether a desired outcome comes as FAST as you expect either. That can also bind you to thinking that something has been a failure. In truth nothing is ever a failure, it’s just practice and if you give yourself enough time to look back at what happened, you will not only be able to see the silver linings, you will also be able to see the purpose behind it, how it actually happened FOR you, how you discovered new and better outcomes, how it helped you grow personally, professionally or spiritually. Sometimes this process can take hours, days, weeks, months or years…stay open so you can learn what you were meant to learn.

So, just to sum all this up for you on "How to handle the cycle of disappointment" in a way that serves you…

1. Start by knowing that disappointment is not just skin deep, it goes soul deep and connects to our self-worth, that’s why it has the power to stop us.

2. Realize that you are disappointed because you focused on one singular outcome and connected it to "time"- in other words attached to how it was going to be/happen and how fast/or how long.

3. Allow yourself to be disappointed, give yourself permission to feel, allow in the other feelings too, like sadness or anger, etc., and don’t judge yourself for feeling them.

4. When you are done, look back and take note of what good things came from the experience or what unexpected outcomes/results/information/gifts/strengths, knowledge you discovered in the process.

5. Apply this new data to your next practice.

6. See everything as a chance to practice and improve on your process with your new data.

7. Prepare for disappointment by knowing that many growth/training processes are cyclical and you will come across a plateau at some point. It is inevitable. If you know this ahead of time, you don’t have to get disappointed when it happens.

8. Set intentions for your outcomes, but steer clear of expectations…they are two different things. One opens up to reaching your goals whilst also opening the door to other great things, allowing you to win no matter what. The other limits your options and creates a fear of failure mentally.

9. Consciously look for the other outcomes and, if you still can’t see them don’t worry, trust that the right amount of "time" will show you. In the meantime, keep moving.

10. Not to quote Nietzsche exactly (what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger), but everything happens for you, for your growth…if you let it that is, it will make you happier, stronger, more powerful and more purposeful.

Now it’s your turn to find the hidden positive outcome in everything you do and let it drive your passion – in your horse training and in your life…

Ride in Lightness

Celie Weston

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