It’s Not Just Sex...It’s the POWER, Stupid: Recognizing the Addictive-Abusive Nature of Power

As the power-sex abuse revelations keep on coming, the Stress Doc realizes his political parody “Harvey, Cosby, and The Don” (posted on Linked-In; to the tune of the late ‘60s classic “Abraham, Martin, and John”), does not provide personal closure on this pressing issue. Inevitably, the sexual aspects garner the most attention. However, it is the seductiveness of power and its dysfunctional offshoots, across myriad social systems, that deserves as much scrutiny…and intervention strategies. The perception that one has power impacts individuals biochemically; it also affects “victor and victim” socially and psychologically. And how power is exercised and shared (or not) obviously impacts organizational culture and relationships therein. For example, one aspect of mob or gang power is that it provides cover for individuals, that is, it encourages denial or diffusion of responsibility -- “everybody was doing it,” or, "it was them, not me."

No matter the social context, the challenge is to get individuals to take responsibility for their use and/or abuse of power. And denial, poor judgement, and dysfunctional relating are typically critical components of any ongoing experience involving compulsion and craving. In fact, the Stress Doc likens power to alcohol: some can handle a drink or two just fine; for others one drink becomes an inexorable path for destructive disaster. And like alcohol, power needs to be recognized as a biochemical and psychological source of intoxication, if not potential addiction, as well as a trigger for potential abuse. People in or contemplating power positions need training in power, its dangers and opportunities, if it is to be used maturely and not abused. As the Doc notes: Power is the fuel, sex is the fire! And as a former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc is a Fire Marshall (all too aware of the dangers of power)!

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It’s Not Just Sex...It’s the POWER, Stupid: Recognizing the Addictive-Abusive Nature of Power

Do you recall the slogan that fueled the first Bill Clinton Presidential run?... “It’s the economy, stupid!” In this age of high profile sexual abuse and “Me, too” outrage, protest, and media exposure of perpetrators, I want to shout something equivalent to that political rallying cry. Except, mine is more social-psychological outcry: “It’s not just the sex…it’s the abuse of power, stupid!” Of course, sex sells…but power, especially power unchecked, too often buys, bribes, threatens, intimidates, manipulates, silences, and robs (ala “Robber Barons”) …and often justifies it all with an entitled, egocentric, "smartest guy in the room," L’etat c’est moi worldview.

Now power, when in the right hands, hearts, and minds, can be a potent dynamic that energizes uncommon performance, especially when shared collaboratively. In addition, power from a place of authenticity and vulnerability often inspires others to find their individual and team voice; to carve out what I call “The IC2 Winning Teams Pathway” – a synergistic blend of “Individual Creativity and Interactive Community.”

My concern, though, about power itself as a potentially disruptive, if not destructive, force has been honed by readings on neuropsychology and codependency and, especially, by regular attendance at a variety of 12-Step groups in the past 2.5 years. Also, my perspective has been influenced by many decades of personal and professional battle in the burnout-depression trenches. (Actually, on a related subject, nearly fifteen years ago, I wrote, The Four Faces of Anger: Transforming Hostility and Rage Into Assertion and Passage.) What I believe is missing in the current dialogue or diatribe (depending on one’s predisposition), is the fact that the position and use of power triggers powerful neurotransmitters, such as dopamine. For some individuals, (and the sum seems to be greater than we perhaps have acknowledged), this creates an aggressive “high” which may be roughly equivalent to the high from cocaine or alcohol. (Of course, reactivity, for example, to alcohol consumption, testosterone levels, and sex drive also are variable.) For a significant percentage, in fairly rapid fashion, civilizing tendencies are diluted or dissipated and antagonistic, impulsive, intimidating feelings, thoughts, and actions are released. And not surprisingly, under conditions of chronic stress, burnout, and depression (often unrecognized or unacknowledged; “never let them see you sweat”), people are more likely to compulsively or desperately seek out diversions and distractions. There's a seemingly uncontrollable drive to both “light their (sexual) fire” and "get up and/or drown" their sorrows in alcohol (or other substances).

A person in power grappling with stress, substance abuse, and sexual cravings/fantasy…a perfect storm for interpersonal abuse.

Premise One: Under the right bio-psycho-social, person-situation dynamic, power abuse becomes the foundation for launching acts of sexual abuse. I suspect it’s easier to act out sexual feelings from a base of power than power feelings from a base of sex! The fear of retribution is less in the former, greater in the latter scenario.

Linking Power and Sex

In addition to the breaking down of civilizing patterns and respect for individual boundaries, (perhaps we can say, as a driving force, “reaching for bottoms” starts competing with the pursuit of bottom-lines), why this seeming strong link between power and sexual predatory behavior? Let’s consider the words of another past power player, the former Secretary of State in the Nixon regime, (talk about someone obsessed with power and control). Kissinger is famously known for his own power axiom: Power is the best aphrodisiac! Clearly, Kissinger is noting the link. And consider, power comes first, as it were. Power abuse is the fuel, sex the fire.

Feeling superior on the food chain to those below, these men feel entitled and emboldened to expose and propose (an offer often hard to refuse), pronounce and, even, pounce. (Yes, it is usually men, often of senior stature; though I won’t absolutely preclude women from this destructive power-social role dance. For example, in addition to women who try to emulate the dysfunctional Alpha male, I’ve seen women abuse their power on the home front: they passive-aggressively and cruelly withhold their children from having a relationship with an ex or a grandparent. The motivation is often pride-based injury, festering rage and a sense of helplessness or being trapped, symbiotic/codependency/triangulation needs, e.g. a mother-child alliance that pushes away the father, along with a desire for rigid control.) As in a Darwinian, “survival of the fittest” jungle, the weak exist to feed the needs, hungers, ambitions, and cravings – from egotistic and narcissistic to dominance and sexual – of the strong. Perhaps the slogan, “drunk with power,” is more literal than figurative.

Of course, it needs to be noted, for many animal species females select the strongest, most powerful males as mates for reproductive purposes; to protect their young and insure their lineage. The abuse of power I’m discussing has little to do with reproduction and lineage sustenance; more with dominance and entitlement abuse.

Premise Two: So, it’s my thesis that just as rape, today, is seen first and foremost as a violent and aggressive act, not simply a sexual one, the predation in the news is first and foremost an aggressive and potentially criminal abuse of power. These publicized cases often receive so much attention because of the compelling sexual element. However, my new mantra: Power and its destructive use…the sick foundation for human abuse!

I shall return to this diagnostic issue, and implications for intervention, in the closing segment.

Dysfunctional Power Dynamics

Power is not just an anti-moral and hedonistic lubricant, it interacts with height and breadth on the power chain – the more elevated and expansive, the more intense the effect. As Lord Acton, 19th c. historian and moralist famously noted, “Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” And when you place people with significant if not absolute authority or iconic celebrity status in power-status relationships, there can be a potent mix of vitality, vulnerability, and volatility...as well as a victor-victim scenario.

Key Dysfunctional Power Dynamics

1) often involves those younger, less experienced, or more vulnerable; some have been preyed upon emotionally and physically in their families of origin, or in their institutional or neighborhood relationships during childhood;

2) tends to occur within a relationship operationally defined as “superior or subordinate,” (in extremis, a “yes, sir, no sir, no excuse, sir”…don’t speak let alone question authority ethos), along with a role-relationship and organizational structure lacking a respected, respectful, and restraining moral code of conduct;

3) abuse occurs within the context of not just an authority relationship, but with a trusted authority figure; a person with whom the target might let their guard down, e.g., a music tutor, a scout leader, or an admired manager

4) individuals with a diminished inner locus of control, and/or shallow self-esteem and self-efficacy, or self-serving opportunists, can try to vicariously live through and off of those seen as more powerful; alas, most idol worshippers don’t wish to be abused; they just tolerate it, mislabel it, or were slow to see it coming;

5) abuse occurs in a ripe ambiance, that is, one that lacks the Stress Doc’s “Triple ‘A’ Organizational Culture” which promotes responsibility and commitment, along with stress resilience; that is, individual “Authority” (management’s recognition of one’s experience, skills, talents, etc.), “Autonomy” (allowing the individual to exercise the aforementioned “Authority), and “Accountability” (holding all accountable to and responsible for “High Task and Human Touch” performance and emotional/team intelligence standards”); again “The Organizational Triple ‘A’” operational culture pillars and practices are MIA; forgive me, I’m powerless over my compulsion for word play; I’m the founder of the new 12-Step AA group: Acronyms (or Alliterations) Anonymous! ??;

6) “checks and balances” and witnesses willing to speak up are few and far between, or when someone attempts to protest, their report is squelched, or retaliation may be threatened, overtly or covertly; now, the potential for all manner of abuse is ripe, if not rampant.

7) In addition, oftentimes, the weak feel outnumbered. Power can be a magnet attracting a clique if not an “inner circle” or “gang of (insert #).” You “go along to get along,” to retain favored status, to obtain rewards or reflected glory, or simply to not become the next victim.

We have seen this dysfunctional and destructive power dynamic – both on an individual and systemic level – in a variety of social arenas: Hollywood and the media, Weinstein, Spacey, Cosby, Rose; or Trump and his ilk with young actresses and beauty pageant aspirants; the political, e.g., preying upon interns or aides; e.g., Bill Clinton, or House members, even with young or new Congresswomen; various religious and school system sexual scandals; along with the military, e.g., from the Tailhook Scandal to more recent reports of personnel abuse of female soldiers; and team sports and the exploitation of athletes, e.g., from a coach physically or verbally/emotionally abusing a player to a team doctor sexually abusing women on the Olympic gymnastics team.

Dynamic Summary and Shaming

In summary, a common thread seems to be a power-charged, lack of boundaries, sensing blood in the water, seemingly obsessed and entitled authority figure; a larger social system that enables or ignores, or bureaucratically fosters the power abuse. (As a friend, a former military commander, now major business world transplant, recently noted, “See it every day in cubicle rats hiding behind their titles”!) The power abuse relationship often includes a vulnerable youth or a symbiotic subordinate. Such individuals are "low fruit" for a variety of reasons, including age, psychological immaturity, naiveté, lack of experience or status, dysfunctional childhood, drive to numb pain or fill emotional/efficacy holes, and other co/dependency issues, such as need for authority approval or need for authority support to advance in a career, or to make the team, the grade, etc.. Another factor is not feeling the larger power structure will listen, believe your side of the story; or people believe your story, but are reluctant to get involved, etc. When you are a small moon in the gravitational orbit of a powerful sun, it is difficult for one junior to have meaningful relational pull – to speak up, let alone push back.

And when the power disease dynamic involves sexual abuse, an experience laden with accusatory messages implying or stating you have somehow invited or deserved what you got, i.e., blaming the abused, then shame kicks in. And quickly a “silent wall” can make the abuse disappear, and the target feel entrapped. But in truth, the lip sealant is not just sexual in nature. For example, the targets of emotional bullying, those who do not know how stand up for themselves or are afraid to fight back, are not just fighting a dysfunctional social system but their own critical voices. Often the bullied are ashamed to report the abuse because it only confirms one’s own weakness and unworthiness. Alas, this power-status interplay often insures the victim will suffer in silence.

Power as Potential Disease and Destructive Force

Premise Three: So, the controversial thesis being proposed is that taking on the power role, for many, can be or become a slippery slope (even within Triple “A” organizations) and at worst, a bio-psych-social lubricant that eases the path of all manner of inappropriate and/or revolting behavior and interpersonal abuse. And while many bring a wealth of maturity and experience to their power-status role, this potentially dysfunctional and destructive dynamic is especially likely in a culture lacking “higher power” standards, that fosters stress overload, and that tolerates or overlooks, if not encourages, domination, manipulation, lack of accountability, closet secrets, and, even outright abuse – from bullying to sexual predation. (For example, in my role as a Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant, I recall a postal manager having two employees, informal henchmen, who would taunt and verbally threaten other employees for him if they were perceived to be “slacking.” Of course, he never overtly told them to do so.) The rewards are not simply sexual, feeling high and mighty; they also often entail, stress relief and release, along with the power-driven pleasure of exerting control and/or inflicting/threatening pain or negative consequences.

Finally, power abuse and omnipresent-omnipotent pride are often interactive bedfellows; one fires and fuels the other. Consider the person with power who still feels low status or humiliation. He may feel like an impostor; perhaps he obtained his position through nepotism, and must prove his “toughness.” Or the power-ego feels insufficiently recognized by his superiors; he may project this frustration and dissatisfaction onto subordinates through abusive practices. The motivator is self-distraction and boosting self-image and esteem at the expense of those weaker.

Closing: Recognizing and Responding to the Power Trip and Trap

My conclusion: Power, for example, like alcohol, is a potentially addictive “substance” (with its biochemical surge) and/or a potentially addictive psycho-social – role-status – experience. It disrupts or denies the need for civilizing tendencies and loosens aggressive and invasive ones. It is a "power trip," not just because of the high, but intoxicating power releases noxious personality qualities or traits that usually reside below the surface. Such mind-altering can take an individual into uncharted or dangerous territory and, adding injury to insult, trapping others in an abuser's destructive power trip. As discussed, this dynamic is facilitated by codependent relationships and vulnerable individuals along with enabling organizational cultures. For me, one implication is clear: sexual harassment training, for example, is focusing on the symptom, as terrible/harmful as it may be. If the objective is still sexual harassment education, I would relabel/refocus such training as PSA: Power-Sex Addiction/Abuse.

But, in truth, I am a proponent of educational sessions for those in or soon to be assuming positions of power – from team leaders and supervisors to managers, coaches, and executives – that is, training and small group facilitation to help learners understand the potentially seductive and destructive along with the energizing and inspiring nature of power. Power, and it’s use, like many facets of life, is double-edged. We have glorified it more than securely grounded it; and too many are getting burned. I tend to be a glass half empty and half full kind of guy. In our corporations, institutions, and other social structures, we need to focus more attention, resources, practices and structures on:

Stopping PA/PA: Power Addiction/Power Abuse

In fact, I just may propose a PA/PA Program – Power Addiction/Power Abuse Anonymous – for the 12-Step Community. From a 12-Step perspective, this means both recognizing and practicing a “Higher Power” moral code and a “Humble Power” psychological one. I suspect this HP2 notion will be elaborated in a future essay. Until then, anyone interested in discussing this essay’s points, premises, and possibilities further, just e-holler. All I can say is, “Amen and women to that!”

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ?, a nationally acclaimed speaker, writer, and "Psychohumorist" ?, is a founding partner and Stress Resilience and Trauma Debriefing Consultant for the Nepali Diaspora Behavioral Health & Wellness Initiative. Current Leadership Coach/Training Consultant for the international Embry-Riddle Aeronautics University at the Daytona, FL headquarters. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, he has led numerous Pre-Deployment Stress Resilience-Humor-Team Building Retreats for the US Army. Presently Mark does Critical Incident Debriefing for organizational/corporate clients of Business Health Services. The Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress, The Four Faces of Anger, and Preserving Human Touch in a High-Tech World. Mark’s award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – was called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info, email: [email protected].