It’s a Fresh Start: A Divorce Attorney’s Guide to Starting Over

“I can’t do this,” says my client sitting across the desk from me at our first meeting. Although she may not realize it, this is the hardest day of her divorce, maybe one of the worst days of her life: admitting her marriage is over. And contemplating a new and different life. 

Fast forward, and it turns out she could do it. And frankly, she’s better-off for it. “Better” as in went back to law school, graduated with honors, has a great job and is self-sufficient.

Going from one of the worst days of your life to becoming a happier, more independent person doesn’t happen overnight. It takes patience, hard work and confidence. What follows are what I consider to be the key precepts a fresh start.

Be engaged. Every decision in the divorce affects your future, so engagement in the decision-making process crucial. While I offer guidance, clients should ask questions and advocate for themselves. Is it smart to move to a different state with kids? Should the title to the house be transferred if a soon-to-be-ex is financially dishonest? My job is to educate the client, but it is the client who must ultimately make decisions, informed and empowered by my advice borne of experience.

At no time is engagement more critical than in the financial context. Before a divorce, one spouse usually controls the finances with the other is in the dark. I help clients create a plan to achieve financial autonomy, which allows them to take control of their own financial future.

Embrace healthier family dynamics: Prior to a divorce, patterns may have emerged that are not in everyone’s best interest. Use this opportunity for a fresh start, whether that means spending more time with kids, co-parenting with an ex-spouse or finding a new partner. The divorce can help clarify what is or isn’t acceptable in a relationship and make that the new normal.

When children are involved, there is an opportunity to restructure family dynamics. Creating shared custody arrangements to emphasize quality time can allow a parent to develop a new rhythm, regain his or her identity and foster more significant connections with children in the long run.

Rebuilding can be liberating. No one knows where life will lead – perfect example – the divorce itself. While in the right case, I aggressively pursue maintenance for clients, I can’t create money. With this in mind, I encourage clients to consider reinventing their career, which can result in more than financial independence. Self-reliance can open up a new community, a re-discovered sense of purpose and vistas, all of which can be incredibly rewarding.

Leave the anger behind. While collaborative divorces are more common, divorce is still an emotionally difficult process. But when it’s over, put the anger behind you and be thankful it’s done. Bitterness is wasted energy which prevents growth.

Divorce is difficult. There’s no escaping that. But it’s also a remarkable opportunity for personal growth. It is a fresh canvas on which to create new relationships, discover fresh careers and redefine parenthood. Helping clients realize they can do it – that they had the strength inside them the whole time – is one of the most rewarding aspects of my work.