It’s Not a Fear of Speaking – It’s Something Bigger
Anthony Laye
Keynote Speaker ? Conference MC ? Virtual Presenter ? Confident Communication Trainer
Let me start with a confession: I used to freeze up at networking events. I’d clutch my drink like a shield, overthinking every word I wanted to say. What if I said the wrong thing? What if they thought I was awkward? Sound familiar?
The fear we feel in moments like these is all too common, but here’s the surprising truth: it’s not the speaking or the conversation itself that’s terrifying. It’s something much deeper.
The Real Fear Behind Public Speaking and Conversations
You might think you’re afraid of messing up your words or forgetting your point mid-presentation. But what you’re actually afraid of is the potential judgment that might follow. You’re worried about being seen as awkward or unworthy of someone’s attention.
This fear isn’t just about modern-day interactions. It’s ancient. Back when humans lived in tribes, survival depended on fitting in. Standing out or being rejected wasn’t just embarrassing—it was dangerous. Fast forward to today, and that same instinct is still wired into our brains.
Your fear is a whisper in your head saying:
Here’s the kicker: these fears are outdated. Conversations today aren’t about survival—they’re about connection, growth, and opportunity. But how do you convince your brain of that?
From Fear to Focus: My Game-Changing Realisation
Years ago, when I worked as a mentalist on cruise ships, I faced this fear every single night. Picture this: pacing backstage, heart racing, palms sweating, imagining every possible way the performance could go wrong. What if I forgot my words? What if someone heckled me in front of 700 people?
Then came a pivotal moment. One night, right before stepping on stage, I realised something: I was making it all about me. My focus was on how I’d come across instead of how I could connect with the audience.
That single shift in perspective changed everything. I started asking myself:
Suddenly, the pressure melted away. My fear shrank, and I started to enjoy being on stage—and even at networking events.
Practical Tools to Shrink Fear and Build Confidence
If you’re ready to stop letting fear hold you back, here are some simple yet powerful tools that worked for me and my clients:
1. Flip the Script
Instead of thinking “What if I mess up?” try asking:
Shifting your focus to the other person takes the pressure off you and makes the interaction more meaningful.
2. Be Curious
In one-on-one conversations, curiosity is your secret weapon. Instead of worrying about being interesting, focus on being interested. Ask open-ended questions like:
These questions not only spark great conversations but also take the focus off you.
3. Control Your Breathing
Ever noticed how your breathing changes when you’re nervous? It gets shallow and quick, often without you realising it. Calm, slow breathing helps you stay grounded. Before a big conversation or meeting, take a moment to focus on your breath:
4. Embrace Silence
Here’s a secret: conversations don’t have to be a constant stream of words. Pauses are powerful. They show that you’re comfortable, which helps put the other person at ease too. If there’s a lull, smile and give them space to respond.
5. Visualise Success
Before you approach someone or step onto a stage, take a moment to imagine it going well. Picture the other person smiling and engaging with you. Your brain loves mental rehearsals, and this simple step can boost your confidence.
6. Start Small
If big conversations feel daunting, begin with smaller ones. Chat with the barista at your local coffee shop. Compliment a colleague. Make a quick comment to someone at the gym. These small wins build momentum and make bigger interactions feel less intimidating.
The Fear Isn’t Real—Here’s Why
One of the most liberating things I’ve learned is this: the fear of speaking or being judged isn’t real. It’s a fear of the picture in your head—a picture made up of guesses and worst-case scenarios.
Most people aren’t judging you. They’re too busy worrying about their own challenges or whether they should’ve ordered the chicken instead of the fish.
Mark Twain said it best: “You’ll stop worrying about what people think of you when you realise how seldom they do.”
The Confidence Is Already Within You
Your fear of speaking—whether to one person or a hundred—isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign that you care. You care about making a good impression, creating a meaningful connection, and being seen as valuable.
The good news? You already have what it takes to overcome this fear. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about showing up, being present, and focusing on the other person.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
Struggling to start conversations? Unlock the secret to confidently connecting with anyone!
Download my FREE 15-minute training and discover the Break the Ice 3-step formula that will help you start conversations effortlessly in any setting. Whether it’s business, social events, or casual encounters, this powerful formula will change the way you communicate.
Click the link to get instant access!?? https://bit.ly/4dTZZaz
Let’s Stay Connected
If you enjoyed this article, connect with me on other social channels for more insights:
For businesses looking to enhance their team’s communication skills or event organisers seeking an engaging, insightful speaker, I can help. As a keynote speaker and coach dedicated to building confident, charismatic, high-impact leaders, I’d love to work with you. Get in touch to learn more!
Blog Post
Title: It’s Not a Fear of Speaking – It’s Something Bigger
Let’s be honest: public speaking or striking up conversations can feel daunting, even paralysing. If you’ve ever felt your heart race as you prepared to speak or your mind freeze as you looked for the “right words,” you’re not alone. But here’s the twist—it’s not actually the speaking or the conversation that scares you.
The real fear runs deeper, rooted in ancient instincts that no longer serve us. Let’s unpack this fear and, more importantly, explore how to overcome it, so you can connect confidently in any situation.
The Real Reason We Fear Speaking and Conversations
What’s really at the heart of this fear? It’s not the act of speaking or conversing—it’s the fear of what might happen when you do.
These thoughts boil down to a fear of judgment or rejection. And this fear isn’t unique to modern life. It’s rooted in our survival instincts.
Back when humans lived in tribes, being accepted meant safety. Standing out, being judged, or rejected could be life-threatening. Today, our brains still cling to this outdated wiring, treating conversations or presentations like a threat to our survival.
But here’s the good news: this fear is completely out of sync with modern life. Conversations and public speaking aren’t about survival anymore—they’re about connection, growth, and opportunity.
My Own Journey with Speaking Fear
Years ago, as a mentalist performing on cruise ships, I felt this fear deeply. Before every show, I’d pace backstage, heart racing, palms sweating, imagining every way I could mess up.
It wasn’t just on stage—I felt this same fear at networking events, walking into rooms filled with strangers. What changed everything for me was a simple realisation:
I was making it all about me.
When I shifted my focus to the audience or the person I was speaking to, the pressure lifted. Instead of worrying about looking perfect, I focused on making others feel seen, valued, and entertained.
This shift didn’t just shrink my fear—it made speaking and conversations fun, both for me and for the people I was engaging with.
Practical Tools to Overcome Speaking Fear
If you’re ready to quiet that inner critic and connect confidently, here are some actionable strategies that work:
1. Reframe the “What If” Questions
Fear often comes from asking the wrong “what if” questions.
This simple reframe takes the focus off your insecurities and puts it on creating a positive experience for others.
2. Tap into Curiosity
Great conversations aren’t about being the most interesting person in the room—they’re about showing genuine interest in others.
Ask open-ended questions that encourage people to share about themselves:
People love talking about themselves, and these questions make you memorable for the right reasons.
3. Breathe Through the Nerves
When you’re nervous, your breathing often becomes shallow and quick without you realising. Focused, calm breathing helps you feel grounded.
Here’s a simple technique:
4. Be Comfortable with Silence
Conversations don’t need to be a non-stop stream of words. If there’s a pause, embrace it. Smile, maintain eye contact, and give the other person space to contribute. Silence can be a powerful tool for building rapport.
5. Visualise Success
Before a big conversation or presentation, take a moment to imagine it going well. Picture the other person smiling and nodding, or imagine the audience clapping at the end. Your brain thrives on positive mental rehearsals.
6. Start Small, Build Big
If larger conversations feel overwhelming, begin with smaller ones. Say hello to a barista, compliment a colleague, or strike up a short chat at the gym. These small wins help build your confidence for bigger interactions.
The Fear in Your Head Isn’t Real
Here’s a liberating truth: the fear you feel isn’t about the conversation or the presentation—it’s about a picture you’ve created in your head.
This picture is made up of guesses, assumptions, and past experiences. But it’s not real. Most people aren’t judging you. In fact, they’re often too busy worrying about themselves—what they’re going to say next, how they’re being perceived, or even what they’ll have for dinner.
Mark Twain said it best: “You’ll stop worrying about what people think of you when you realise how seldom they do.”
Unlock the Confident Communicator Within
Your fear of speaking isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a sign that you care. You care about making a good impression and creating meaningful connections. That care is what makes you human.
The good news? Confidence isn’t something you have to “get”—it’s already within you. All you need are the right tools to bring it out.
Ready to Break the Ice?
Struggling to start conversations? Unlock the secret to confidently connecting with anyone!
Download my FREE 15-minute training and discover the Break the Ice 3-step formula. This practical, easy-to-use method will show you how to start conversations effortlessly—whether at work, social events, or even with strangers.
Ready to move past the fear and create meaningful connections? Click here for instant access.
Let’s Stay Connected
If you found this article helpful, let’s keep the conversation going! Connect with me on my other platforms for more tips and insights:
For businesses looking to improve team communication skills or event organisers in need of an engaging speaker or MC, I’m here to help. With years of experience as a keynote speaker, behaviour expert, and coach, I specialise in helping people become confident, charismatic, and high-impact communicators. Let’s discuss how I can help you or your team.
Reach out today, and let’s make every conversation count.