It's Not Fair! I’m doing all the parenting admin and my Ex contributes no money – but still wants half my assets!

Do you have the main responsibilities for the practicalities of parenting (buying clothes/making sure uniform is washed/dinner money) post #divorce?

So called 50/50 co-parenting still usually means one parent is responsible for the everyday admin. Also - there is one parent who can’t just suddenly get a full time job miles away because they are the one for whom the buck stops here.?And maybe that parent, is you?

IT'S JUST NOT FAIR:

So it can seem really unfair if that same parent is the one who has a pension and some assets like a property or savings - whilst the other parent may not be working or contributing financially at all - but they want a good chunk of what you’ve worked so hard for whilst you've been doing most of the child rearing.

This may not be the right time to point out that a sensible post nup might have protected some of those assets (just saying), and unfortunately your ex really can try to grab half of everything you’ve paid and worked for, especially if they are doing 50% of the overnights (which we know is not the same as doing half the parenting admin,?but the courts don't take that view).

THE GOOD NEWS:

The good news is that if your ex is broke and impatient, they may find using the courts to get hold of your assets a long and expensive process. I say this because if you have been more than reasonable in your mediation, but they still want their 50%, then calling their bluff may be your best course of action.

And when they work out that a bird in the hand is better than a whole flock in the bush, they may come back to the mediation table and cut a deal. Irksome and unfair as it may be, giving them something to get that Consent Order over the line - maybe a % of a future sale of the family home (ensuring that’s based on profit, not leaving you in debt to them if the house sells later for a loss) - might be a sacrifice worth making.

But if they are determined to extract whatever they can, with no appreciation of the fact that they are not even helping support their own child beyond basic expenses for when they are on parenting duty - well don’t be bullied.

The reality of co-parenting is that one person carries the main responsibilities and they may need all their small pension or that house they own because otherwise they won’t have enough to live off when they are older. Why should they have to sell their house and not be left with enough to own their own home whilst being unable to earn enough to raise a deposit because they are too busy bringing up the kids 24/7 - even when those kids are off having a fun time with the other parent?

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO:

Keep a clear record of the costs of being a parent and record the impacts - eg. Not being able to work full time / turning down promotion opportunities or work involving travelling. It’s fine if you are a genuine co-parenting team - but when the non-resident parent wants to get a job hundreds of miles away they can do that. And often will. You can’t. Not if that rips the kids from school and the new job doesn’t cover the cost of an au pair.

Use the financial software in dTour.life - included in your Best Way To Divorce Secret Divorce Group subscription - to demonstrate clearly your ongoing financial needs.

Even if your Ex doesn’t care if you end up living in a one bedroom flat miles from your family and friends because that’s all you can afford, it is possible that a judge may be more reasonable - especially if your Ex is fully capable of working but prefers not to contribute beyond covering their own costs, and not having their own pension. But that financial information must be clearly expressed and using dTour.life you can create a financial forecast of your future needs - and that of your children.

?

If you would like a free call about using dTour.life let me know, and we’ll set up a zoom.?

If you are not already subscribed to the Secret Divorce Group (which includes the dTour-life subscription as all inclusive) - CLICK HERE

If your finances are complex with larger pensions and property at stake, a full cash-flow forecast with a qualified financial planner (like Chartered Financial Planner Henry Elliston) would be a smart move. Or if your finances are more modest and you feel giddy at the thought of dealing with all those numbers - then ask Divorce Coach Celia Conrad to help you do your own forecast in dTour.life.

You would also benefit from using the Co-Parenting Plan template within dTour.life, and if you want support with that (B.T.W. - I recommend that you don't share your dTour.life account with a co-parent if there is any likelihood they will delete what you include - only very amicable couples share the same account!) then have a word with Parenting Conflict Resolution expert Jenni Rock.

Other experts you can invite in to dTour.life to collaborate include mediators and collaborative lawyers and arbitrators.

If you are struggling dealing with a coercive or controlling Ex, then Life Liberator Ruth Driscoll can help. Perhaps the divorce has brought up past traumas, in which case Psychotherapist Caron Barruw can help you redefine your future.

If you would like a free call about using dTour.life let me know, and we’ll set up a zoom.?

If you are not already subscribed to the Secret Divorce Group (which includes the dTour-life subscription as all inclusive) - CLICK HERE