“It’s Everything”
Ken Carlson
Experienced Executive Coach and Leadership Trainer with a knack for working with Geeks; Specializing in Engineering, Science, Math, and Medical.
We took a journey the other day, my client and I, as he was rehashing a story from the weekend. In this story, he was the main character and he had gotten into one of those sticky social situations again. Who pays the bill, how does one return a favor in order to keep everything fair, and what are the roles of men and women in a potentially romantic scenario.
One driving thought that I heard over and over again from my client was, “well, I have to be a gentleman.”
OK—but why? Why must you be a gentleman? It quickly became obvious that it’s because his mother’s approval (long dead by the way) depended on him being a gentleman—and her definition of it too.
When asked what was so important about his mom’s approval—he exclaimed, “It’s everything!”
In other words—his very identity—and therefore his very life—depended on making sure his mom was ok with what he was doing.
It didn’t take long to see that avoiding mom’s disapproval was all over his life—in small actions and big actions. It was creating inside him anxiety, keeping him living small, and generally costing him the life he has been trying to create for 30 years.
The kicker is even better! With a little more coaching, it was clear that if his mom were alive today—she would insist that he live out his dreams—not live small. She even insisted on her deathbed that he go live full-out.
Now my client is not unusual. We are all run by unconscious beliefs. In this case, he now had some power because he had made the unconscious belief conscious.
Now he can make a choice in those scenarios—he can compare and contrast the mindset that has been in the background running his choices—and just look at it deeper.
What do I want to create here? What would my mom actually want for me? Do I have the same belief system that my mom had 40 years ago? What difference does it make if my mom is unhappy with me?
Just get curious. What mindset, perspective, or belief do you absolutely believe is true but maybe it’s not?
Try it on.
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