It's the Beginner's Mind for Me

Originally written for my newsletter community on 7/19/24 and if you'd like to receive these robust monthly newsletters in full, find yours here.

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Fresh off poppin [another] cherry!

Lots of FIRSTS for me in 2024, which if you know me, is not my favorite thing in the world. Sureeeee I coach people all the time about having a beginner's mindset, yet I find it to be a personal Mt. Everest to climb. I also know that where we have resistance, there is persistance.

So at some point I decided, I'm going to get rigorous with my beginner's mind muscle.

This time, it was in the form of an intensely fulfilling [yet honestly terrifying] five day body work training; Somatic Energy Alignment. I'd been following this guy online for quite some time and decided on a whim, that I'd take his training in Stamford, CT. I hope by now, you know that I facilitate breathwork here in Denver and you might think what's the real difference Vik, these things can't be all that far from each other, right?

Well, one modality is working with the energetic body [the aura field that each of us have that envelop us up to 6ft. from our physical bods] and somatic alignment is body work, where I gained insight into how to work with the physical body to release and de armour stress, tension and blockages. I'm likening it to a marriage between reiki and acupressure. Here's a bit more about it.

The truth is, I've been deeply disappointed by the trainings I've taken over the past few years. I've felt that trainers haven't done their due diligence in creating a cohesive container for the people within it, they aren't actually as experienced in their discipline as I'd thought, and I've often left with more questions than confidence.

I was f l o o r e d by this training from the moment I walked into the room, filled with a residual scent of palo santo, with sunlight highlighting the wooden floors, special spaces set up for all fifteen of us with a tangible workbook + tote bag + blanket and cushioned seat. It felt intentional, inviting, warm, and like I better be ready because it was about to get real.

For someone who just realized they have feelings a few years ago and slowly meandered my way into breathwork and then facilitating it, I hadn't quite thought out the predicament of leaping into working with the body.

Which included crash coursing into:

? anatomy and physiology

? several ancient traditions like traditional Chinese + Ayurvedic

? locations of trauma storage

? learning to move with a trauma sensitive approach

? discerning the nervous system

? diving deeply into polyvagal theory.

By the end of day two, I was feeling L I T and by the end of day three, I just wanted to sit in a corner and cry my recovering perfectionist booty to sleep.

What was great [and annoying] was that we learned just enough to the point that we had so many questions that we didn't know how to actually formulate any of them and it was typically that moment when our trainer invited us to get practicing on each other. Yikes. It was in these moments that my two biggest masks were screaming to be heard :: perfectionism and performance. If I can not get this RIGHT the first time, then I am worthless so therefore I must performatively fake it till I make it so no one knows that I don't belong here.

Surely, I can't be alone here ??

IMO, we're in a societal moment where people are not walking their talk, rampantly bypassing [spiritually + emotionally where they say they're doing the work, but actually talking a good game], glomming on to trendy terms + experiences → and thus, I thought that the result to be sought as a facilitator is THAT BIG CATHARTIC RELEASE every time. Although I felt relief when our trainer heartily contested this idea [not all release is big, overt or cathartic; sometimes we feel safe enough to just drool for the first time in a nap] → I still found myself judging myself by the level of obvious, bodily releases by the people I was practicing on.

I boomeranged back to getting comfy in my masks; harshly criticizing myself, disbelieving any and every great piece of feedback I received [surely, they're lying], dissociating during lecture time [because I'll forget anyway since I'm dumb], and simply believing that I don't belong in this space. [None of these are True, and if you've worked with me before, you know I'm about Truth Serum].

With all my own tools, like my ResilienceToolkit, my dopamenu, or excusing myself to step outside and confront my debilitating stories with reframes → I still get caught up in the tangled web of being human.

This is all I wanted to share; I get it. Although I coach people through exactly these things, I am working through them myself day in and day out. Doing the work is not easy, but it's simple. Here it is: remain consistent & rigorous in building your resilient window of tolerance.

Cheers to Y O U for however far you've already come from where you were.

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Ciao for now!

xxViki