It's Not Always What You Say, But How You Say It

It's not hard to imagine being on call for those in funeral service. It's part of the job. We've done it hundreds if not thousands of nights. Maybe you're an owner. Perhaps a funeral director, or even an apprentice. You could even be someone working for an answering service.

We know what it's like to take a first call, even if we don't always handle them perfectly. That's OK; we're human. I'm not here trying to perfect anything.

Last week I wrote about taking the first call. This week I will write about questions to ask, what to say or respond with, and how you can get through any first call; regardless of your position.

To know what to say, and how to say it.

First, imagine being on the?other?side of the phone, the person?making?the first call. You just lost someone you love - your husband, girlfriend, mother, cousin, friend, or neighbor.

The point is, that you lost someone near and dear to you. You're scared. You're hurt. You feel lost, and alone. You have no idea what to do, or what to say. You're told to call a funeral home. A funeral home (or cremation service) has to handle arrangements when someone passes away.

You look one up. You'll use the one that handled your grandmother's funeral. You vaguely remember them, but you know their name. Maybe you Google one. Maybe you call the one you know your best friend's cousin's brother works at.

Last week we called the funeral home and learned how to answer the phone. This week we learn how to have a conversation over the phone.

It's time. Let's call the funeral home again and see what happens.

Ring. Ring.

"Watry Family Funeral Home, this is Noah speaking. How may I help you?"

"Hi, ummm... my dad just died and I was told I needed to find a funeral home. I think you handled my grandmother's funeral at your place. Her name was Eunice Johnson."

(random names used, and again, no, I do not have my own funeral home... yet)

"My sympathies to you on the loss of your father. Do you mind if I ask you some questions?"

"Ah, no, that's ok. Hi Noah. Are you able to look up my grandmother's funeral?"

"Absolutely. I just need a little bit more information. First, what is your name and the name of your father?

(one should always have a notepad and pen handy to take notes, or even a laptop set up - start looking up Eunice Johnson in your funeral home's database or website for obituaries)

"My name is Ben. Ben Johnson. My dad's name is Roy Johnson. We're at home. He wasn't doing too well. He's been sick for a while. I don't know. He lost a lot of weight, there's not much left to him. We only had him on hospice care for a few days. And then... well now he's gone."

"Ben, I appreciate you sharing that information with me. Please send my condolences to everyone in the family. I was able to look up your grandmother's name and see that we did handle her services back in 2020. If you'd like us to handle your father's services, that would be no problem at all. We would be able to send out our care team right away."

"Ok, yes, please. Could you? How soon can you be here? Do we have to wait all night or who do we have to call someone else to come get him?

"We should be able to arrive within an hour, to an hour and a half, Ben. Our funeral home is always available to you and every family, no matter the time of day, or the day of the week. Is other family present by chance? Are we waiting on any others to arrive before we do - so they can say their goodbyes when we bring your father into our care?"

"No, sir. Everyone is here. Can we see him again? We want one of those caskets or coffins, and maybe have people see him, like friends and neighbors. I want to say goodbye, too. Properly."

"Absolutely, Ben. We will bring your father into our care for tonight, and he will remain in our care throughout this process, from now until the funeral is complete. I just need your permission for us to move forward with the embalming process since we are talking about having an open casket service for your father."

"Oh ok. Yes, of course. You have my permission. How soon can we have the funeral? I need to talk with my sisters, cousins, uncles, and everybody yet."

"We can go over all of the funeral arrangements when we get together at the funeral home. We would also need to check not only our schedule but also a few others, as well. If you plan on having services at a church and are looking at a casket burial or entombment, we would need to schedule a date and time with the cemetery, also. Just so we are all on the same page. Does tomorrow at 10 AM work for you to come in, Ben?"

"Yeah, I can do that. Is it ok if my sisters come with me? Is there anything else we need to do right now?"

"Not at this time, Ben. I will send our care team out right away, and again, I would expect them to arrive within an hour to an hour and a half. Do you mind if I get the house address from you?"

"Oh, yeah, sure. I guess that's important to know. My dad lives at W234 S5678 Hampshire Drive, Milwaukee, WI 53225. You said about an hour?"

(completely made-up address, by the way)

"Thank you, Ben. Yes, I would say between an hour to an hour and a half we will arrive. Are there any stairs or obstacles we need to be aware of at the house? Is there anything else I can answer for you at this time?"

"No, no. Thank you, sir. You've been very kind. We'll be here. Thank you. Bye."

"Take care until we arrive, Ben."

Wow. I know, that seems like a lot. It took me a lot longer to type this out than it would take to actually have this conversation.

What did you notice? Did the first call go well? What was good? What was bad? Could I improve on something? Did I miss anything? No conversation is ever perfect. Trust me, I have screwed up many first calls in my day.

One time I took a first call over the phone and completely forgot to ask the location and address. That was an embarrassing "second" call to make.

Every phone call I take, I try my best to gain as much information as I can, while still showing empathy and respect to the family. Did you notice the questions I asked and how or when I asked them? Again, it's now always what we ask or say, but how we do so.

Did you notice that I kept using Ben's name once I received it? Did you notice I was able to multitask during the call - quickly verifying with Ben that yes, we did take care of his grandmother's services, and even gave him a year, showing how well our funeral home keeps records? These little details give the family a sense of relief and help build rapport with them. It shows not only do we care, but that we also remember, and remember every detail.

I once read that we as humans love hearing our name. Something about it being an internal ego thing. Since learning that, I have always tried to remember and use someone's name when I can after first meeting or hearing it.

I assured Ben of what he wanted and answered every question he had, keeping him "on track" with what we, as a funeral home, needed from him and his family.

Conversely, I also?purposely?withheld some questions and information. As a funeral home, the last thing we want to do is overwhelm a family during the first call.

I didn't want to keep Ben on the phone for too long, as it is a very stressful time for him. Giving him that hour to decompress a little bit until our care team arrives will help with more information that we need.

Our care team would give him a General Price List, along with a folder of information needed for the death certificate (that we obtain for the family and go over at our 10 AM arrangement), and some other things needed: clothing, pictures, and a host of other things that will help during his father's funeral planning.

The care team would also answer a few other questions that may have arisen since we spoke on the phone. Every team member needs to know your funeral home's policies and procedures. This way, whenever the family speaks with someone, anyone, from the funeral home, it is as if they are speaking with one person.

Lastly, please remember that every first call will not go this way. Some callers are much more hostile and errant. Some are much harder to gain information from. Some families want to know pricing before giving a name, or an address. Some callers don't know what they want, or where to begin.

I gave a relatively easy example because I do not want to overwhelm you, my reader, just like a grieving family. Keeping it simple instills a baseline of what we are trying to accomplish during a first call. I also had Ben overshare information with me, that we as funeral directors pick up on, which would all be useful in making the transfer (person's weight, stairs or obstacles, hospice usually means hospice bed of some type, etc.).

In time, with practice and experience, you too can handle any first call, or call in general. Remember, we all started somewhere.

Thank you for reading this week's newsletter. Mortician out.

• To catch up on last week's newsletter, click here.