It's Not Always Rosy on the Family Caregiving Front: How to Negotiate Conflict

True confession: it’s not always smiles, hugs and peaceful conversations in my family!   And, I doubt I’m alone.  Admit it, we humans have personalities, egos, selfish needs and cherish our independence.

Couple these traits with one of the most emotionally charged situations I’ve ever experienced, caring for an aging parent, and you’ve got a recipe for conflict.

I’m not saying this to be negative.  I’m a realist. I’ve experienced it.  I’ve also had countless friends and acquaintances come to me with stories of the disagreements and ugliness between them and their siblings, over decisions on caring for mom or dad.

You know it’s not going to go well if…

In my family, we’re not going to agree and solve our problems if any one of us starts to blame or fight unfairly with each other.  It’s also delaying the inevitable argument if we avoid the elephant in the room and just throw our hands up in the air and give up.  And, we’ve definitely got no room for compromise if one of us decides to be totally rigid in our viewpoint or becomes demanding.

You Can Negotiate and Solve Problems IF…

• Is there a problem?  It takes willingness to admit there’s a problem.  It takes willingness to want to address it.
• What’s the problem?  To negotiate problems you have to identify the problem.  You’re honestly wasting time if the problem is not clearly stated and understood to be a problem.
• What’s the answer?  Rarely is there only one solution.  Negotiation means laying out options.  Your goal should be to give everyone the opportunity to weigh the options in order to determine if they are workable.  Oh, and they should of course be addressing the problem.
• What do you need?  Remember, we are human and have needs.  Getting to “yes”, to any hope of an agreement, means listening, understanding and identifying what people want or need.  Learning what’s most important, what the other people need to be okay with a solution is absolutely critical.
• For whom? I always suggest constantly reminding ourselves whose best interests are we intending to address/protect/support? If the focus is on getting the right decision made for an aging parent…well, there’s the ‘who’.
• What’s your bottom line?  There’s always a bottom line.  Meaning, each of us has boundaries.  We need to be honest and direct about those things that are non-negotiable.  The things that we will not do.  Trust me, you’ll be beating your heads against a wall and wasting a lot of time trying to negotiate a non-negotiable position.
• Is it “my way or the highway”?  Resolving conflict means being  flexible.  It’s a balance, though.  Don’t be too flexible or sooner or later unresolved feelings will emerge…and the problem won’t really be solved at all.
• Do we have agreement on a solution?  Get a commitment.  Seriously.  Verbally reaffirm. Get a “yes” or “I agree” from everyone.  In some families, the meeting and agreements get documented..I highly recommend that path.

Not all conflicts get resolved.

It’s a harsh reality, but sometimes families end up being unwilling to work together.  Sometimes, families turn to legal remediation. And, sometimes, families do not heal their conflict.

In the end.

Personally, I believe we are each responsible to ourselves.  So, when it comes to caring for a loved one, I suggest asking: Am I doing the best I can do?  Have I honored their wishes?  Have I helped them get what they needed?  Have I acted out of love?  If we can answer “yes” to these things, we’ve done well.  Because, in the end that’s all that really matters.

Deb Kelsey-Davis  is a family caregiving advocate and expert, having been a caregiver herself both personally and professionally.  She’s also an author, speaker and founder of S2S Solutions.