It’s Not Always the Most Wonderful Time of Year

The holidays aren’t so happy for everyone—and sometimes the rest of us, with our cocoa, gift-giving, and cozy nights with family, forget that.

Even the greetings we use show how we can unintentionally get this wrong. We cheerfully greet people with Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Happy New Year! I know I’ve said these words thousands of times without giving them a second thought. But for someone who’s grieving a recent loss, going through a divorce, or experiencing another deeply painful struggle, holiday cheer can land like a ton of bricks.

Many of us care about someone who’s having a hard time right now. We want to help, but it can be hard to know how. Do we invite them to our holiday party. . . or not even mention it? Do we get them a present, and if so, what? If they’re missing someone badly, do we bring that person up? What should we say? How do we get it right?

If you’re asking yourself these questions, we have some answers.

Today, we’re launching #OptionBThere for the holidays.

It’s an initiative of OptionB.Org created to help people—you guessed it—be there for friends and loved ones who are struggling this holiday season. At optionb.org/holidays, you’ll find actions large and small to offer extra support and help them find moments of joy. Here are some that resonate with me:

• Send an #OptionBThere holiday card: Quirky cards that acknowledge how your loved ones are feeling, designed by Emily McDowell, an illustrator known for helping people connect when they don’t know that to say. 

• Host an “all feelings welcome” dinner: A step-by-step guide to hosting a get-together for friends who are struggling, written by our partners at The Dinner Party, a nonprofit that hosts potluck dinners to bring people together who’ve experienced loss and other isolating experiences. One thoughtful toast that you can incorporate into any dinner: “Let’s raise our glasses to the people we wish could be here tonight.”
• Do something: Practical, creative ideas for things you can do to help a friend going through a hard time, direct from people who have been there: our Option B community. My personal favorite: bring the holidays to a friend in the hospital by decorating their room.
• Find inspiration in religious traditions: Reflections on what three religious traditions—Hanukkah, Christmas, and Kwanzaa—teach us about finding light when everything feels dark, from Stanford University’s former dean for religious life. He includes tips for tapping into your spiritual side, from sitting in a quiet place for ten minutes a day (because it reduces stress) to singing or listening to good music (because music lifts our spirits).
• Play a feel-good card game: A custom Option B card game to help you and your loved ones focus on moments of joy, celebrate small victories, and practice gratitude—you can order a deck or play on your smartphone.

• Support kids whose families have changed: Advice for how to help children navigate the holidays in the wake of death or divorce, from encouraging them to participate in holiday planning to emphasizing meaningful gifts (both the ones you give them and your family gives others).
• Declare your Holiday Bill of Rights (for people who are struggling themselves): A list of rights that everyone’s entitled to, during the holidays and all year—including the right to decide how you want to mark the holidays, even if it’s different from what others want. If you’re having a hard time this holiday, this is a good place to start.

We also partnered with Time magazine to highlight the stories of celebrities and thought leaders who’ve navigated difficult holidays, including Kesha, Patton Oswalt, and Robin Roberts. They are helping us kick the elephant out of the room so people having a hard time this holiday season feel less alone—and less pressured to put on a happy face when that’s not how they really feel.

We’re proud of this initiative. We think it can help a lot of people find greater meaning and even joy this season—or at least connect with others in a way that feels authentic and real. 

And we’re proud of how our Option B community has made this initiative their own.

Our members have been talking about the holidays for weeks now. “Still having a hard time decorating my tree—this was my mother’s favorite time of year.” “The first year is the hardest [after divorce]. The holidays suck the first year, plain and simple.” “Having a really hard time getting into the Christmas spirit. How can I get through this?”

People in our groups have been opening up to each other every day—and they’ve been getting support in return: “Give yourself permission to do only what you can.” “Take your time. Took me two years before I would acknowledge the holiday in any real spirit.” “Focus on your kids and cry afterward—that’s how I got through it.”

This kind of conversation is exactly what we hoped would happen when we launched OptionB.Org earlier this year—people coming together to help each other through shared experiences. With #OptionBThere, we’re bringing more people into that conversation—and tapping into the power of giving and receiving help.

So visit optionb.org/holidays. Chances are, there’s something there that will speak to you, whatever your circumstances. And please share what we’re doing or your thoughts on how to navigate a difficult holiday season with #OptionBThere.

I hope you and yours have a holiday full of moments of joy.