It's All About You: A Journey of Self Discovery
How well do you think you know yourself, and the people around you?
We can develop self-awareness every day of our lives by getting really curious about our experiences and our reactions to them to understand what is happening, and what the response telling us.
You are the only person you’ll ever get to truly know. Our peers, relatives, friends and colleagues, we think we know them insofar as they express themselves to us, and they know us as we express ourselves to them.
A quick search on Google, 100 questions to get to know someone is a great way to learn what someone thinks and believes, but our limited capacity to really place ourselves in another’s shoes is the limitation by which we can only ever observe another in terms of how they relate to us.
I’m sure you’ve noticed that the way you think you know someone could be vastly different to the way someone else knows that same person.
The truth is we never really can know the people around us, and we may never be able to truly know ourselves.?
We can take steps towards getting to know our friends, clients, loved ones and colleagues, but we may not consider that we can only ever know them through our limited perception, viewpoint and subjective interpretation of what they say and do.
It’s something like looking through a filter, and that filter is the translucent glass of our own perception.
The same applies to ourselves, we can get to know ourselves by watching how we respond to the world around us, our beliefs, habits, wants and desires, but trying to do so is like attempting to grapple water.
One of the keys to knowing ourselves is through the development of self-awareness. This is the practice of seeking to understand what is really going on behind the scenes and why we do the things we do.
Many of us seldom find the time to really explore who we are, as a result of our busy lives, being consumed by the world and others’ stories along with the constant changes that we are in some way forced to adapt to.
Developing self-awareness is entirely non-linear and requires us to become curious and inquisitive about the nature of our being and becoming. It’s the act of taking a look, checking in and seeking to understand what really matters, what really is me and for me.
The Ego does a great job of filtering through what is 'me' and what is not 'me'. We develop our self-concept through our experiences in the world and how they seem to define us: our wins, losses, pleasures and pain, family, friends, the roles we play in society.
We can have quantum leaps in self-awareness which can be referred to as awakening experiences, which unlock new possibilities for how an individual may express themselves in their day-to-day lives.
Attempting to rush this form of development can be dangerous if we try to do this by brute force through the use of psychoactive substances or pushing ourselves to extreme limits for example through endurance sports. People have also been known to have tremendous awakening experiences resulting from a knock to the head, trauma or spinal injury.
We can also develop our self-awareness through reflection exercises, meditation and any activity that puts us in a state of presence.
It’s often in our response to the circumstances and events of life that we come to understand ourselves, i.e. I like this and don’t like that. I want this and I don’t want that.
What really is self-awareness though?
The way I understand and explain self-awareness is quite simple. I see it as the ability to ask oneself questions and be able to explore what the answer may be, without needing to filter, hide or obfuscate any part of whatever the answer may be.
Self-awareness is the ability to see the self as an ever-changing, evolving identity which has different wants and needs over time. To explore what is hidden from view, what is waiting to be birthed, and to understand what the self seeks to express through one’s lifetime.
In fact, we can develop self-awareness every day of our lives by getting really curious about our experiences and our reactions to them to understand what is happening, and what the response telling us.
Hence the title of this article, ‘It’s All About You’.
That may seem a little daunting to think that everything we experience is all about ourselves. It may seem egotistical or unhealthy to interpret our everyday situations as telling us something about ourselves, but the truth is quite the opposite.
We go through life, collect experiences, respond to the experiences then form beliefs, coping mechanisms, avoidance strategies and habitual patterns which go on to form the architecture of our personal and collective identity.
The trouble is that if not addressed, this architecture can become something like a prison where we can keep repeating the same patterns of response and behaviour over and over again.
As time goes on these systems for living and responding become embedded. For example, a fear of public speaking could go on to mean “I’m not a public speaker”. A bad experience with someone from a particular cultural, ethnic or religious group can go on to mean “I don’t like people from this group”. A pleasant set of meals from a particular cuisine can mean “I like this type of food, but not that”.
Hence, it’s all about you.
The truth though is that your reaction is not your identity. Your reaction is simply showing you how you relate to that experience.
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So what can we do with this?
In general, we can say that our experiences are happening for us to be able to understand ourselves.
The reactions we have to a given situation simply show us where we are in that moment. They are catalysts for self-awareness and potential change (if acted upon).
What’s funny about this is that no sooner we think we’ve understood ourselves in our reaction to a given circumstance, we change again as a result. Can you see where this is going - self-awareness is a moving target as if seeking to cage the wind.
What then is the point of this, what is the benefit of seeking to know myself when in reality, I can’t, given that no sooner I seek to understand I have changed again?
It’s actually very simple. Our self-awareness can become something of an inner guidance system that we can then use to navigate our lives and circumstances with elegance, and then do what we can to find better alignment which enables us to receive what we really want (on a deeper level) instead of reacting drastically, narrowing our possibilities or embarking on a journey that is not really in our best, highest interests.
Our reactions to events are usually experienced as emotions in the body, and judgemental thoughts in the head. Before we embed any beliefs or miss an opportunity for the development of self-awareness we can get curious as to what something is showing us about ourselves.
We largely live our lives on auto-pilot. The Ego, that is, our central authority of identity, wishes to keep things the same; our self-concept and response to the world. Doing so is energy efficient due to the brain’s reluctance to change and for what has been deeply encoded as a survival strategy.
Being willing to change requires energy and effort. The benefits of this are numerous, not only including greater life satisfaction, well-being and expression of the highest self but to connect with the most refined expression of our life purpose.
Let’s go through some examples of how our day-to-day experiences and their response could be showing us something about ourselves.
Example 1: Someone cuts you off on the highway putting you and your loved ones in danger. The response could be anger, and rage as the protective elements at the core of our being are switched on. The response could also include thoughts such as “that complete idiot, people who drive BMWs are such inconsiderate lowlifes”.?
Reflection: “This is about me, I take pride in being a safe, considerate driver and my family are my number one priority, I won’t let anyone or anything put them in danger. I react strongly to people behaving inconsiderately because I go to great lengths to consider the well-being of others. BMW drivers can’t all be like that person. Perhaps I can take a less busy route home, or leave earlier when it’s rush hour, even if it takes a little longer.”
Commentary: In this example, the person sees how a shock event showed them how consideration, safety and family safety are non-negotiables, how strongly they react to anything that jeopardises them or their family’s wellbeing.
Example 2: You’re a little late for a meeting with investors, you’ve been up all night finalising your pitch deck and you’re feeling pumped. After a quick shower, and packing your laptop, your best clothes on to leave the house, you rush out of the door to hop onto the tube. You arrive at the investor meeting, shake hands and it’s all hopes and smiles mixed with a tinge of adrenaline-induced anxiety. You reach for the laptop to plug into the screen and realise you’ve left your Lighting-to-HDMI adaptor at home. The heart-sinking feeling sets in, the shame, then embarrassment then self-criticism. You leave the meeting after 8 minutes following profuse apologies, meanwhile grinding your teeth. Sat at a Starbucks the self-critical thoughts go deeper. It’s just you, your almond milk latte and a head full of angry thoughts. “I’ve messed this up, how could I, what is wrong with me”.
Reflection: This is about me. I recognise I’ve been pushing myself so hard for so long that something had to give, and at the perfect moment. Fortunately, I’ve got another six investor meetings lined up, and this just shows me how I can push myself so hard that I can forget the details that matter. In future, I’ll be sure to pack my bag the night before and get a decent night’s sleep to ensure I’m rested before a big meeting. I won’t do this again, heck this is training in itself that’s setting me up for the ongoing success that is for me.
Commentary: In this example, the person switches out of difficult emotions and instead recognises that this situation is giving them the gift of self-awareness and development for future circumstances. The person is being shown themselves so that they can go further in their journey having got that experience out of the way.
Example 3: You’re at a bar with friends sipping a virgin mojito chatting about life and current-event memes when an attractive person walks by. You tell your friends that you’re going to make a move. The fear sets in and you think “can I really do this, what if I get rejected and look stupid”. Despite the thoughts, you muster the courage from your alcohol-free mojito and walk over. Shoulders relaxed, smile on face and moving like a well-fed jaguar, you say hello, the person smiles and says hello back. A conversation ensues and rapport is built. You pull the trigger and ask to connect with the person again another time, after all, you’re with friends and that person is waiting for theirs. You scan their QR code and the person’s name appears in your messenger app. You feel accomplished, brave and happy, chat for a few more minutes then make like a tree and leave. Returning to your friends, they quietly applaud your bold efforts, finish your virgin mojito and all leave for the next bar.
Reflection: This is about me. I had feelings of fear, stepping out into the unknown of somebody else’s universe. What at first felt like resistance turned into excitement, I overcame my fear and proceeded gracefully to bet on myself. This shows me that I can take steps beyond my comfort zone non-dependent on the outcome. It shows me I can handle uncertainty, and I have killer chat-up lines.
Commentary: In this example, the person chose to move beyond sensations of fear in the body and thoughts in the head to choose what felt like an expansion rather than a contraction. This person has set themselves up to continue that pattern which will likely impact other areas of their life, potentially leading to quantum leaps in development and further self-realisation.
In the examples above we see how an experience can become an opportunity for personal development through self-awareness.
Situations like these can happen every day and can easily be brushed aside as mere phenomena, as though the opportunities for real growth are instead draped in bunting, with flashing neon lights with a sign saying GROWTH OPPORTUNITY HERE. In reality, our opportunities for growth can be found in the most uninteresting of circumstances.
So what can we do if we wish to develop self-awareness through our day-to-day?
Below is a list of questions to explore this process, and the results can be quite profound.
This is by no means an exhaustive list of self-exploratory questions, and it may not be possible to go through this process in the moment of an event or situation. Some situations may need time to cool off and integrate before it becomes possible to do the inner work here, which is totally OK.
What’s important is to make time for this where possible as it’ll lead you to levels of self-awareness which only benefit you in both the short and long term, putting you on track for ever more refined levels of self-expression.
A disclaimer I would make is that developing self-awareness can be a lengthy process and the purpose isn’t to rush for the sake of having a breakthrough of sorts. Instead, be patient, be present and allow time to notice any shifts and changes in how you show up and navigate your experience.
Over time and with this filter life becomes a journey of self-discovery and unfolding where you become clearer and lighter whilst recognising everything is happening for you, to realise your ultimate self.
With that, I sincerely hope this is helpful for you on your journey. It sure has helped me with mine.
If you have any questions please feel free to say hello.