Its All About How Define Your "Struggles."

I read a posting the other day in regards to dealing with a Crisis or how one feels. This made me think and all of a sudden, here I am writing now. My comment at the end is my response to that posting. I want to thank Kim for posting it and helping to reopen up and tell a story that may help others on there journey.

What at times is, that people do not have the life experience as others do. We act different, we talk differently, we respond differently due to these life experiences that we all encounter.

Life Lesson: Generational Cycles is how we were taught to act as an adult. It is up to us to take those teachings and improve them or take those teachings and leave them stagnated or just leave them behind.

What do I mean by Generational Cycles? It is the teaching from our elders to us. About core values, character, etc etc. There is no book on how to act unless you learn from making mistakes or listening to those who have been down those paths. In the end, you have a made your choice. A choice that you made, nobody else made you do it but only you. Sometimes these teachings were good for the years that they grew up in. Now I am realizing we as a society are no longer listening to the teachings but are going point blank into the abyss without much respect for those teachings. Opinions are great, but do your opinions come from experience or from fear? Only you can answer that and answer it truthfully. This could be a life changing acknowledgement for you right now.

Facts are facts, Opinions can be played with and misconstrued.

Over the years I have learned a lot about people and how they act. I am woman, there is a presence on how a woman should act and respond. We are suppose to be nurturing, understanding, emotional. All these traits are human traits, they are just not one gender trait. We all were taught by generations before us on how to handle these traits. Some of us grew up in a poor area, some of us grew up in prominent area. These are environmental factors which influences how we or if we respond or react. We all have strengths and weaknesses that were handed down by our generational elders but it is also up to us to determine if they are still feasible in today's society. Let me tell you a story on how I got to where I am today and how your words could potentially impact a person during there hardest times ever.

Yes, I was homeless. Yes, my clothes were free. Yes, my food came from a food shelf. Yes, I would wait till night time to get some apples of a tree? Yes, I picked up a deer from a car hit. How is your response towards me now? Do you still want to keep reading or are you stating this is a woos me article? That is up to you to determine.

When going through a hardship in life, I have found it is is about my own way of processing the situations and how I word the situation. As many people who know me, I look for signs and I ask for guidance when I need too. I don't act the same as alot of people and some people cannot understand my thought process. At times I choose to remain alone and sit alone and write. My life experience has taught to value the simple things in life and to help others that may be struggling. I do not force myself upon them but I will be there willing and ready. At times, I will hear people state some things that are so minuscule that they do not even know that it is impacting another unless they are truly seeing the mannerisms of the people they are around. This is the reason why.

Four years ago in November, I accepted a job out here on the East Coast. After everything I have just gone through this year, I knew my journey was about to take another path. That path was humility, believing, achieving, and becoming whom I want to become in the future. I became homeless in Maryland. My new co workers did not know this nor did my boss until later. My business suites as well as my nice long jackets were from an Organization in Stillwater, MN where they supplied free clothing to families who were in need. All of my food was from the food shelf in Wisconsin which consisted of saltine crackers, cans of soap, and some other munchies that were enough of nutrients to hold me over. I knew I had a long road ahead of me until I could get on my feet again.

When some people who knew me knew I was homeless, I was told it was my problem, that I was a loser, that I made my bed and I deserve this. What people did not ask is: why or how? What they did do is tell me there opinions and their judgement. Our words and how we respond to another could either make or break them.

Sometimes people project there own fears and insecurities upon others even if they do not realize it. What is happening is that you may be trying to conform another to your own thought process or your own behaviors that you are comfortable with. This is a lesson of life for you and the person.

When one is looking for guidance or a mere glimmer of hope. This is where fear usually presents itself from within. It may make you uncomfortable to speak about it, be careful on how you handle this. This may be a life lesson to push you out of your own comfort zone to help you to become the person whom you want to become. If and when the person who comes to you for guidance or reflection and it is a bad experience, that person will forever remember it. From that day forth, it will determine your relationship and don't be a bit surprised if that relationship is over or it may become stronger. It all depends on how you handle it.

At the time I was homeless, I living in Baltimore/DC in Waysides. I took my showers at a Truck stop at nighttime, that happened to be right across from the Federal Pen. I did not know this. I had some saltine crackers and some can soaps in my back of my car to help hold me over for food. I ate so that my stomach would shrink and minimal food was required to help me but enough to keep me going.. During the weekends I had to be out of the waysides by 8 AM and could not come back until 4 or 5 PM. So I would go from place to place at times. I had to watch my gas levels. I only had about $200 left that had to last me to my first paycheck which was over six weeks away. I was in an unfamiliar area in which I was never in before, I didn't have the slightest clue on what I was sleeping around or if I would wake up the next morning alive.

All I had was my dreams, my visions and my faith in God that helped me to get where I am at today. I also had peoples judgments in my head being repeated, telling me I wasn't worthy

All I could do is keep visualizing and asking from the man upstairs to guide me to where he thought I should be. You may ask why was I homeless? Here is the other part of the story. Stop for a second, say it out loud on why you think I was homeless.

What is your first instinct on the reasons why? Write it down and look at it and then begin reading again.

Are you ready to proceed on? Are you ready to find out the answer? Do you think you are right on the reason why? Lets find out.

The reason why I was homeless is because I was making sure that my daughter had a roof over her head and food in her belly while I was trying to make money for my family. She was not with me, she was back in Wisconsin. I truly did not have a good support system in place. I had "drama" support system that only fed off of peoples weaknesses and drama.

In December of 2012, two weeks before Christmas, my daughter tried killing herself and yes I found her. I dealt with it all alone and via familiar voice over the phone, my good friend Cindy. During this time-frame, I was told it was my fault and I was to blame. Nobody didn't want to hear about her needing the help and helping her heal from her own trauma. I spent sleepless nights trying to figure out how to do this on my own. I was living in Dallas just moved and I had nobody to lean on. I had six cops in my house and one of them telling the dispatchers we don't need a coroner. I was in shock, I was alone. I had nobody to lean on. When I was calling people, they were all getting drunk at the local bars back home. They didn't care if I was calling at nighttime repeatedly. I was in a fog, I had call my parents and tell them. That was fun... I had to call the exe and all he could do was tell me it was my fault repeatedly. He didn't ask how she was, but I was to blame. People could not understand why I was calm during this time frame when the cops were at my house. The reason why is that I needed to break down myself and I could not do it in front of my daughter. I had to be strong until I could get her the help she needed. I just couldn't freak out, well I did freak out prior to the cops coming but when they came in, I knew somebody else was there to help me.

I just wanted somebody there so I could be weak and cry but I couldn't.

Instead of people supporting me, I ended up dealing with all of the peoples weaknesses and fear instead of gaining there support. Now the hospital staff, social workers, the police department all were supportive to me during this time frame but it was the people who I thought were my support network that was not. I could not see my daughter for 24 hours after the incident. Do you know grueling that was. Not to hear how she was doing or her voice and waiting till 6 PM the following day to get a phone call. Do you know how it feels when the phone rang at 2 PM from the Ward and your heart crashes to the ground because its the dreaded phone call of she succeeded? But it wasn't, it was her voice telling me she loves me and she was sorry. I told her never be sorry, just heal from within your heart. Just heal that is all I want for you to do. Don't worry about Mom, work on you and only you. I love you baby girl. She told me she loved me too. Gotta love the word Fear and what it does to you emotionally and mentally.... IT SUCKS... Nobody came down to help me, I had to do it all alone scared or not, I had to go through it. On Christmas Eve Day she was finally released after a Mandatory 9 day stay. Texas doesn't play with issues like these.

Fear - For Everything A Reason. It will either consume you or you will conquer it to gain new wisdom and strength.

She made it through intensive therapy but we still had issues to deal with. She tried again two months later. Which I did not find out until later on because she didn't want to go back to the Ward. The person who I trusted to be around us said it was not a big deal. It was big deal, it meant that you just stopped healing in progress. It gets rough when it happens and because of your own fear, you stopped it because you became afraid. I missed the window of the opportunity to help my daughter because of somebody's else fear and there lack of experience or lack of empathy. It was too much for me to even handle, but I had to make a choice. GIVE UP or WORK WITH IT. We all have two choices when making a decision. Lord grant me the strength to continue on....

Two choices: Yes or No. If you say No, be prepared to deal with the consequences.

Fast forward to 2 months later, my job was transferred to Detroit, I had no money. Medical bills were rolling in and I was becoming scared. The life in which was suppose to be our clean palette was no longer clean. I had to get her back to Wisconsin, at least I know she would be ok up there instead of on the streets of Dallas Texas with me. I had to do the hardest thing a mother had to do and send my daughter to a family so she would not see her mother suffer. I drove her back to Wisconsin and dropped her off with friends and I then started my drive back to Texas to figure out what do to with all of my stuff and if I will make it back to Wisconsin. I wanted to make sure that she didn't take on the suffering that I thought I deserved by those who kept on reiterating I deserved this. The people who were reiterating this were the ones I sent her too. That was a mistake that I made and a decision I have to live with. It changed the whole dynamic all the way around. I trusted people more than I should have. Again, I was all alone dealing with all of this.

As I was driving on July 4th through Missouri into Kansas, my tire popped at 80 MPH. I didn't have the slightest clue on where I was at. It was 5:34 PM and I was pulling off the ramp to get my car to a safe spot. All that surrounded me was a corn field. I got out of my car and yelled at the top of my lungs. GOD, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

Roadside Assistance came and I found out I was in Liberty, MO on Independence day. I asked where can I go, he goes all of the stores are closed now. The panic ensued me as I go where am I suppose to stay? My money dwindling down and I still had to try to make it back to Dallas and then back to Wisconsin. I went to a hotel, there prices were $110.00 a night. I couldn't afford that and my eyes starting to well up with tears and I walked out of the building with my head down. Then I went back a couple of hours later. The man knew I was crying and he said listen, can you afford $89.99 and I will give you a discount. I said yes. He put me up in a Queen Suite that night. The tears were coming down non stop. I couldn't stop them. I got a bag of peaches and sat outside to watch the fireworks and cried. I didn't know what the next two weeks would be like for me. Then all of a sudden the lovely vision came to me....

Pieces of Me: I was bare to the world for all to see. Like the vultures were waiting to pounce on me.

I had a visualization. Me standing pure naked in the desert. When I looked down I seen all of these pieces that were surrounding me. There were words, names, situations, memories etc etc on these pieces. I became overwhelmed and felt extremely vulnerable. It was so vivid and it was so surreal. I then looked at myself, there was nothing attached me to me, I was bare to this world for everybody to see me at my weakest point. All these names, all the memories of these people. All these memories are flying back into my mind. EVERYTHING came flying back the hurt, pain, anger, happiness, Love, abuse everything.... I picked up a couple of pieces, I told myself I could not deal with those yet so I gave it a little blessing and said please reappear when I am strong enough to handle you and threw it down the dirt desert road. I picked up another one. It stated this "You Deserve THIS." You know what I did with that piece? I picked it up and stuck it right now and forced it to stay on me. It was my Scarlet Letter for everything I presumed I did wrong. (Even looking back at this now, I shake my head but that is where I was in my lifes journey)

When I woke up the next morning, I got into my car, an overwhelming sense came to me. Every time I cried, the memory associated with it, will be left in that state in which I cried in. Then my daughters piece appeared, I place that one on my back to show that I will always protect her and be her guide. That I will always carry her burdens for her if need be and will always be there to lean on when she needs it. Then another puzzle piece appeared, either I stuck it on me or I threw it but this one, I buried it. I said a prayer for it and buried. That meant there was no reason for me to remember it any longer and that I must bury it to move on. That piece was the piece of the love of my life that was no longer around. I had to let him go finally and bury everything with it. I cried, of course, go figure huh. My heart shattered again.. As I think about it now, did I actually bury the piece or did I just lay it down because I couldn't deal with it at that time-frame. That piece came up quickly. Sometimes the pieces came up when I needed them the most as a reminder of what I did previously, how I felt, how I responded or reacted in a situation, sometimes a piece would be there a gentle reminder and I go you gots to go and I will deal with you later, and throw down the dirt road. The the piece Courage appeared. I looked at it and said don't I have this already? I didn't any longer because it was no longer part of me. But I do need this in my life I told myself. So I strategically place it on my body where I thought I needed it the most. Some of the pieces that I placed upon me fell off because I wasn't using it to the way it is suppose to be used. All these pieces would appear and some of them reminded me to remember. Remember the memory of them and deal with it. If I didn't deal with it and threw it down the road, it would come back faster than ever. That is when I knew I had to do learn about that one because something was coming up in the future that I will need this with me. Just like strength, guidance, wisdom, respect, integrity. The names of the people, the majority of them are no longer around me because I did not want them or need them in my life any longer. But there spots were left open for new people to come in. I didn't know what was coming down my path until a couple of weeks later.

I got back to Dallas, TX packed up my things and on the road I went back to Wisconsin. I was still in adrenaline mode and I knew this. I knew I would come crashing down, how? I didn't know how but I had an instinct it wasn't going to be pretty. I said, I am ready for whatever you need to show me. Lets do this and get over and done with.

Needless to say, I broke down and I had panic attacks daily up to 8 - 10 of them a day for about a month. I no longer wanted to drive my car anywhere. Any time, I started to drive, I would start panicking and there I turned it around and parked the car.

Life Lesson: Baby Steps, as long as I took a step, that is all that matter. If it did not work, then try again a different way until it works.

I could barely function but I know I had to find the strength to work through the emotional aspects that I needed so I could be a good role model for my daughter. I had to dig so deep on the inside to find something I thought I could not find. That was strength to overcome the barriers in which I was currently in. The only guidance I had was the from the man upstairs at the time and all of my previous teachings from elders from years back and some of my own experiences of the past.

My daughter never did see this from me, she thought her mother was just letting her be on vacation with her friends and her Mom was having the time of her life. So thats what she thought but reality was far from that. My so called friends and acquaintances thought I was hiding in the darkness of shame. What they did not know, I was on my knees everyday trying to find a branch that would keep me above the water. My visions were very vivid, I would see myself in the deepest of oceans bobbing up and down. Struggling for a breath. Searching the ocean to find something to hold on to to tell me I was a good person. I had to dig even deeper to find it which was extremely hard when the people who you surrounded yourself with only wanted to keep you down. Then those damn pieces kept on appearing... UGHHHHH

Life Lesson: Visualize where you want to be and whom you want to become. Only you can do this and nobody but you can do this.

Everyday I would wake up shaking and crying in the darkness of the room at my parents house. Peoples words kept on repeating themselves in my head about how bad of a person I was and how I should be doing things for them instead of me. Since I could not give them the energy they continue to kick me down.

At this time-frame, it was decision time. To either just give up or to see this as a life lesson.

I started making little goals. 1) Get up and smile at least two times in a week. 2) Try to drive the car a mile without hesitation. 3) Take a walk in the woods one time in a week. 4) Hold your up head up at least 2 times in a day 5) Get up before 9 AM at least once a week. 6) You have 30 days to find a home 7) Try to reduce panic attacks by 50% by the end of the week 8) Look in the mirror and tell yourself you love yourself every time you look into the mirror. You must look in the mirror every time. You don't have to look in your eyes but that is for next week. Attain these in one week, increase the following week, I had 30 days to get my daughter back with me and find a home for us.

When August arrived, I found myself at the Minnesota Work Force Center where I knew I could potentially find a spot where I could fit in. I still couldn't fit in, I was still different. Nobody could understand where I was coming from so I kept to myself. I would cry daily on the way home from the sessions BUT I knew if I kept on going, I could find something that could help me become the vision of whom I wanted to become. They had something there I knew they did. I knew they had the Myers Briggs test. Cool, I get to see what I had to work on and where exactly I was at in my journey.

I took there tests and there classes. When I first arrived, I would start panicking, I would start to shake. My throat would become tight. I started to cry. Then I had to remember what my goals and visions were. Wipe the tears away, put your head up, get out of the car, you may find something that you are looking for there. Get going...

Everyday, I would attend and I found that the anxiety was lessening and that I started dealing with my emotions piece by piece. Not all at once but piece by piece. They were attainable. I would get phone calls from people demanding my attention and I couldn't do it, I had no energy and the fires kept on brewing. Then the words of she is being a snob, she is being stuck up, she is being a bitch starting coming out. She deserves what she got so we don't need to help her.

At times, I was asked what are you doing here? Ummm I am unemployed just like you are but I cannot go back to work in the condition that I am in. So I am here. You shouldn't be here some people told me. Even here I was getting kicked in the gut and then I would start having tears well up. Nobody thinks I should be here too, where do I belong? Maybe as a hermit in the woods but hell I can't even afford to do that. Another set of words that became part of everybody else repeated words. Maybe I wasn't suppose to be there but I knew I had to be there to find what I need to find. I had to keep moving forth, I had to do this for my kid. Every little situation I could have given up instead I took it on as a challenge and slowly became stronger. I had two choices either do it or not do it. I choose to do it...

Then came the day to take the Myers Briggs. The day I was looking forward too. This will definitely tell me what I need to work on. It will help find a step to begin. Then the day came when the results came back. I was questioned by my teacher asking me how I took the test. My response, the same way everybody else did. I went to the computer, click on the answer that I thought most resonated with me and click enter and finish. She goes I think you will need to do this again. This cannot be right. That is how I took my test. Then when I seen my results I was in awe. It read the following:

Extrovert - 3, Sensing - 4, Thinking - 2, Judging - 1

What does this say about me? 

I can focus on the outer and inner world. I take in information through the 5 senses and focus on here and now but at the same time, I take in information from patterns and see the big picture. I can make decisions based on logic and be objective along with being subjective.I tend to like a planned and organized approach but I can be flexible and take the spontaneous route when need be. 

My top areas of strengths are: 

• Setting clear goals and deadlines
• Organizing resources to meet deadlines
• Monitoring Progress
• Making the tough decisions needed to move things along
• Producing something tangible and concrete

Life Lesson: Signs come to you in different ways, but you must be open to receiving them.

I guess those results were the sign I was looking for. What it showed to me now is that I was either or that I do understand things in life a little more than others. I am not judgmental any longer, that I started to control my thinking process better than 10 years before. My T was a strong 48 before. I thought to myself, I must be doing something right. Even writing this was sign for me to remember what my strengths and to use them. Don't downgrade to appease others who may not be there yet, but help guide them and teach them so they too can become stronger.

The biggest thing that helped me to get through what I call my life lessons is my mindset. If I would call it a crisis, then its a whole different level of thought process. But I called it a life lesson, it means I am going to learn something from it if I choose to do so. No matter how hard life is, we all go through our struggles and they are at various stages of life. Ultimately, you have two choices to choose from. Either do it or don't. If you choose not to do, then you cannot complain but to accept the consequences of not doing it. Whatever you are going through right now, right here, will be different in less than 30 days, 60 days or in six months. Nobody can force you to deal with it, but at times, you may be forced to because it is your time to grow. The situation may reappear in different scenarios but still have the same logic about it. This should be your sign that you must deal with it because you are ready to grow. It is your time to bust out of the shell and write a new chapter of life. It is also about surrounding yourself with the right people to help you succeed. Write down on whom you want to become in in the next six months and then think about the people whom you have close to you. Ask the questions:

Do they have the stamina to help me? Who do they surround themselves with? What are there hobbies? Do they have the experience? Do they accept me for whom I am right now? Are they judgemental? Do they walk their talk? Are they open and honest?

Writing this today, another lovely piece came up very clearly. Can you guess what it is? It was acceptance. Accept yourself for who you are today. Embrace who you are today. Don't be ashamed of your past. Don't be ashamed on who you have become. Accept that you had gone through everything and didn't give up... Accept

Fast forward to today.... My life is quite precious and I am very protective of it. At times, some of my old quirks come back or let me say my puzzle pieces fall off and I have to reattach them in a proper way instead of duct taping them on, I know what I did when I lose them. I always promised the man upstairs that I will remain humble and help those who are in need as long as they are willing to go through the struggles because in the end, I am no longer that woman who was full fear, having panic attacks daily, homeless but a woman who now has courage, strength, clarity and wisdom. I have learned to admit my faults and my wrong doings because that was a promise that I made to the man upstairs if I would get somewhere to be able to write my story and to share it with others who may be struggling.

I will leave you with my comment I made:

Everything we go through in life is to help gain the wisdom and strength for next part of our journey. While it may feel it is a crisis, take a step back, breathe and know that some where down the path, you will be able to use your experience to help another's on their journey. It is about approaching it with a mindset of not being defeated but a mindset of learning. Everything we experience is about growing or if we choose to not to grow. Whatever it is you are going through, just remember in 90 days it will be easier and your life may be changed for the better. Look forward to six months and see the step that you just accomplished and be proud of it. Know that you did it and now you have a different perspective in life as well as a different response or reaction. No matter what, you got this!!! Rock on like a rock star and shine like the starts in the sky. You are not alone, go get the life you deserve to have....