Issue 32 | Bloom with Ruth Penfold

Hello?beautiful human

I’m noticing a pattern emerging for my clients and in my own world… self-less over-serving humans seem to end up on the battle field of life (and offices) facing self-ish over-served humans.

Why?am I bringing this up??

Because lots of the 'over-serving' women I have worked with in Bloom have had really challenging, if not traumatic experiences at work with folks with 'over-served' conditioning.?

And then it becomes even harder to recover your self esteem - though not impossible.?

Healthy self esteem is the key to living a life where you get to thrive.

I considered using the descriptors of empaths and narcissists for this newsletter, because I struggle with the negative energy that goes with labels like narcissism and the damage they?can do.??

We are essentially all different beings whose 'stuff' shows up in different ways. It goes beyond good or bad or right or wrong.?

The over-servers learnt to try to create safety for themselves by people pleasing to make people like them, and the over-served learnt to try to create safety for themselves by controlling their environment and getting people to do what they want them to.?

We both have much to learn from each other actually. Being balanced means having healthy boundaries and being of service.?

Sometimes that learning isn't possible,?and the best course of action is to leave the situation to stop over-serving.?

But in the workplace, we?can't always choose who we are surrounded by.?

So the purpose of this newsletter, is really to call it out to you, my typically over-serving reader, and help you reflect on where you need to identify and enforce?boundaries, in relationships and at work.?

Enter the brilliant Ramani Durvasula PhD, and her excellent book - 'It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People'.?

I reeeeeeeeeeally want to urge you to read this book.

But at the very least, I want to give you some anti-venom for when you are faced with?this kind of dynamic at?work, to help you go from over-serving others to serving and honouring yourself.?

Here are some tips from?Ramani that I share with the Bloom Together community this week:?

1. Own your truth and reality - when face with folks who find it easy to distort it, the more you know yourself and your life, the easier this gets.?
2. Stop falling for charisma and charm - yep, even a whole company can fool you whilst interviewing (who has had that happen? LMK!)
3. Don’t get lost in superficial qualities like eduction - don’t think they are better than you because of where they went to University!
4. Watch how they treat others and learn their tells - how do they behave under pressure? Can you test that in an interview??
5. Breathe and talk about things slowly - try not to get thrown off by the ‘bad cop’ approach, I promise you your brain is amazing.
6. Cultivate healthy social network and relationships?-?spend time with people who ground you and feel like home.

Biggest of all... enter new relationships slowly, especially workplace ones. Take your time to assess a new company properly.

So tell me gang - what do you think? Have you experienced this stuff before??What did you agree or disagree with? Was there anything you would like me to go deeper on??

?

Rooting for you and your big heart always

Ruth x

Why did I become a Coach? Because coaching quite literally changed my life.

In 2010 I sat down in front of a career Coach and she asked me a simple question: 'When did you last experience joy?'

In my conscious mind, I thought she was crazy to ask that, I mean, I was I happy (right!?) and there to talk about careers, but in my soul, my soul knew there was truth in what she said.

Within three months I had left the marriage that I was in at the time.

But I need to go deeper with you all, so you understand the context of how big a deal that really was.

Please note: I mention domestic abuse here, so if that’s a trigger for you, don’t read on ??

In this season of life, I’ve been taking the time to celebrate all versions of me that have come before.?This short poem about sums up how I feel in this moment.

'I hope when you come home to yourself, there are flowers lining the front porch, that were left from all the women you were before' - @maiapoetry

The version of me below was about two years before this conversation. I used to look at this picture and see someone who didn't love themselves, but I really see just one thing now.

Courage.

I had stopped wearing make up, I wore dark clothes, and I put on weight so no other men would look at me. I didn’t know that’s what I was doing then, but I had made myself invisible to stay safe. I am truly in awe of how smart that was.

I was so relieved when I left the relationship, that I hid the truth of just how bad it was deep inside my nervous system. I just felt so joyful and grateful to not be in it anymore.

But in truth, I spent 12 years being controlled, manipulated and abused across a multitude of levels; spiritual, emotional, financial, physical. I recently did EMDR (a type of therapy used for complex PTSD) and was able to face the reality and the trauma of that kind of relationship.

Leaving this kind of relationship is complex, and too complicated for me to go into here, but let's just say, the fact that I managed to do that, and the fact that I am writing this to you all today, with a life I am truly thriving in, is a miracle.

And to leave it took a level of courage I didn't know I had at the time.

Without that magical Coach asking that magical question and then helping navigate leaving, who knows where I might be?

And that, my friends, is why I am a Coach today, because I know how powerful this work can really be.

To get to be even a small part of another humans journey back to who they really are and to a life that really feeds the depths of their soul, is truly the greatest gift.

If you want to explore working together 1:1, email me [email protected] .

You can also learn more about the Bloom Together community here.

Ps. 54% of women burning out is a LOT, life is a lot. If that's you, let's talk sis.