Issue #20: The Art of Apologizing

Everyone reading this newsletter has received an "apology" at some point. And yes, the quotes were intentional.

Those apologies that sounded like, "Well I'm sorry, BUT . . ."

Or, "Oh, stop being so sensitive!"

Or worse, "I'm not going to apologize because I didn't do anything wrong!"

Let's clear something up right away.

If someone is coming to you saying you hurt them, you hurt them. That is not up for debate. It may have truly been unintentional, but it still happened. And the authority on whether the other person feels hurt, angry, let down, etc. is them.

Not you.

But here's the thing.

Few people like admitting they were wrong.

The urge to push back, to reason our way out, to point the finger outside of ourselves . . . this is all normal when we feel defensive or called out. So someone coming to you and saying you did something they didn't like is usually enough for most people to dig their heels in and say, "Now wait a minute---!"

You can try your best to make the right calls, to say the right thing, to not hurt anyone's feelings.

But nobody's perfect.

We're all human.

And guess what?

As uncomfortable as it is to have someone say you did something wrong, it's also uncomfortable to approach someone and tell them they hurt you.

This is not an easy or pleasant conversation for either party.

I've touched on how to have uncomfortable conversations before when the reader was the one initiating them. But what if the reader is the one being approached?

Here's a few tips to bring a little more humanity into these situations.

1) BREATHE!!!

This goes for any conversation where your first instinct is to get defensive and/or fight back.

Take a couple deep breaths. Excuse yourself if you have to. Or say out loud, "Let me take a minute or two to collect my thoughts before responding."

Because the urge to tense up will be very strong.

Note: this suggestion relies on you having the skill to notice that you're tensing up in the first place. Which might be something you need to develop! Maybe you don't have this skill going into such a conversation.

In that case, train yourself to take a deep breath when going into any one-on-one conversation. Because usually, hard conversations like this will take place one-on-one.

2) Remember, they are the authority on their own experience. Not you.

Therefore, the following examples are NOT apologies:

-"I'm sorry IF . . ."

Since they are already approaching you with a concern, there is no "if" about it. Something has already happened.

-"I'm sorry, BUT . . ."

This gives the sense that you are deflecting responsibility. Which might not be true, but that's likely what will be perceived.

-"I'm sorry, BUT YOU . . ."

This puts the blame on the other person. Again, might not be what you're trying to communicate, but likely what will be perceived.

3) Your personal circumstances are context, not excuses

Again, no one is perfect all the time. There could definitely be things that are demanding your attention and impacting your performance.

And it might be sorely tempting, if this is the case, to fall back on "I'm sorry BUT . . ."

Instead, acknowledge the context without deflecting blame.

Because hey . . . someone still got hurt.

Try this: "I'm sorry I hurt you. X situation is happening in my personal life, and I thought I could power through. It's obviously impacting me more than I thought, but it's still no excuse. I'm really sorry."

A script like this doesn't attribute your behavior to the situation you're going through and also doesn't deflect responsibility.

A lot of people will be very understanding if they hear such a script, simply because life happens. And they will also notice that you're taking ownership of your own actions in the face of adversity. This is the difference between "I hurt you" and "You got hurt."

4) If you truly don't think you did anything wrong . . . listen anyway

Once again, the authority on whether your conversation partner got hurt is them. Not you.

Digging in your heels and insisting you did nothing wrong won't help anyone.

Listen to them. Say things like, "Tell me more about that" to gather as much information as you can. Nine times out of ten, there will be something impacting the conversation that you weren't previously aware of, and it will help you make sense out of the other person's reaction.

"But I asked and I still truly don't get it!"

Own the fact that they got hurt, and then tell them.

"I'm so sorry I hurt you. I'd really like to understand your perspective so that doesn't happen again, and I'm still struggling a little bit. I would love to think about what you told me for a while and then circle back tomorrow to talk further if you'd like."

This response doesn't deflect or give up because you're having trouble following someone else's reasoning. It shows you are invested in understanding, presents your struggle as a fact, and offers a plan for continued conversation should you still be confused in the morning.

5) People have different definitions of an apology

Many people have heard of the five love languages, but did you also know there are five languages of apology?

For some people, simply saying "I'm sorry" will be the most meaningful. For others, they want to see restorative action. And still others will respond best to requests for forgiveness.

https://righttoknow.us/wp-content/uploads/2022/01/Fivelanguagesofapology.pdf

This is a one-pager that you can use for reference when apologizing. For acquaintances, try to naturally touch on as many languages as you can.

"But I don't know the person will enough to know what they would respond to best!"

Ask them!

Say, "What can I do to show you I'm sorry?" Or, "Would it be more meaningful to you if I did X or Y to show you I'm sorry?" Or, "I'd like to do X to show you that I really feel bad about what happened. Is that okay?"

You could even incorporate the five languages of apology by saying, "I have a couple ideas to make it up to you. I could [ask for forgiveness], [tell you that I regret it], or [simply say that I'll try very hard not to do this again]. I want to make sure that what I choose truly shows you that I regret hurting you."

Usually something you offered will stick out to your conversation partner, and their response will reveal their preferred language of apology.

Are there any other suggestions you would add to this list when apologizing to someone? Let me know in the comments below.

And if you try one of these tips, let me know how it goes!

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Thank you for reading this edition of Humanity in Human Services!

There is an associated Facebook group located here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1018333445884666

There is also a LinkedIn group for ABA professionals interested in incorporating trauma-informed practices located here: https://www.dhirubhai.net/groups/14325191/

Please feel free to like, comment, subscribe, and forward to anyone who may be interested. Have a great week!

Katheryn M. Bermann, MS

https://www.dhirubhai.net/in/katheryn-bermann/

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