Issue #19: Nobody likes confrontation

So let's not call it that.

When I hear the word "confrontation," I picture someone storming into a room ready to scream at another person. The word itself sounds very aggressive and in-your-face.

Normally when people speak of "not being good with confrontation," what they mean is that they have something uncomfortable to do or say that involves another person. It's the discomfort in this interaction (or the anticipation of discomfort) that causes nerves, avoidance, and repeated wishes that the problem would just solve itself or go away.

We don't like being uncomfortable. It's called the "comfort zone" for a reason.

Regardless of what happened to make such a conversation necessary, the fact is, ignoring it probably won't work. And few people would willingly choose to have an uncomfortable conversation.

Why?

Because it's awkward. And some level of awkwardness will probably be there regardless of preparation.

So what can we do before we have these inevitably-awkward conversations?

Well, we can start by asking ourselves a very basic question.

1) What is the problem?

Not the backstory and not our opinions. What is the exact action, thing, etc. that has or has not happened? What is the factual cause of the necessity of this conversation?

We might have a long and complicated history with a coworker, but in this exact situation, what is the specific thing that is causing our discomfort?

Keep it very simple, because it usually is.

Then let's move on to the next question.

2) What have we already tried?

The answer might be "nothing." In which case, is this maybe a problem that could be solved tactfully without a one-on-one conversation?

Keep in mind though, "tactfully" does not mean "passive-aggressively."

For example, say you have a roommate who tends to leave their personal items everywhere. Have you tried saying out loud, in their presence, "Wow, I really appreciate having a clean/organized space! This is great!" when you see an area of your home that is tidy?

This is the same reason why classroom teachers praise appropriate behavior out loud. The praise communicates what the teacher wants to see more of from their students.

Some people respond very well when they understand the reasoning behind a policy or expectation, so a brief cause-and-effect statement may be all that is needed for positive change. Example: "When you text me that you got home safely, that really helps me worry less because I know where you are. Without a text, I don't know that. So thank you so much for texting today."

In an ideal situation, comments about what you like and appreciate, and/or how something positively impacts you, will prompt more of the behavior you've praised and less of whatever the problem is.

"But I've tried ABCDEFG and they're still doing it!"

3) Give benefit of the doubt

The most innocent explanation as to why the problem continues to occur despite subtle attempts to address it is simply lack of awareness.

We've all had those "oh, you mean me?!" moments.

So be gentle. No one likes thinking they're the problem.

As another example, say the office policy is to turn off one's computer before leaving at the end of the day due to client confidentiality. Management has just prompted everyone to "be more mindful of closing procedures." Your office-mate constantly leaves their computer on at the end of the day, and it has been grating on your nerves for a while.

Try saying to your office-mate: "Hey, now that I think about it, I probably left my computer on when I left yesterday. Could you maybe check mine today and I'll check yours?"

Yes, even if you know your turned your computer off.

You could get resistance to this. You could get pushback against attempts at subtlety and hinting. It may become obvious that a one-on-one conversation is needed.

In which case . . .

4) The goal is to solve the problem

The other person is not the problem.

The problem is the problem.

The goal is not to "catch" the other person or make them feel bad.

Once again: The goal is to solve the problem.

Take as many breaths as you need to be sure you're going into the conversation with a level head. Then approach the other person casually. Say something like, "Hey, I've got something I'd like to talk to you about, but it's kind of awkward. Do you have a second?"

This question doesn't put them on the defensive. It doesn't imply anything about them. In fact, it gives them context about what to expect.

Contrast it to: "Hey, we need to talk. Come to my office." Yikes!

Once it's a one-on-one conversation, present the facts. And for this script, let's assume it's something really awkward, like a hygiene issue.

"Thanks so much, I really appreciate it. So this is kind of awkward to say, but I wanted to let you know what's been happening. A few people have told me that when they go into your office, they usually notice a strong smell. I was going to just ignore it as office gossip, but when I walked past earlier, I smelled it too."

This statement does a few things:

-it separates the person from the problem

-it presents the facts

-it frames the conversation as being in the person's best interests

-it lets the other person know you're on their side

-it gives a lot of clues as to what you're not saying

A pause on your part here will usually result in the other person a) showing confusion or b) realizing the implications. If further detail is needed, again, assume positive intent. Especially if you don't know the person well. Given a prompt or two, coupled with your facial expression and other cues, a lot of people will understand. At which time you provide reassurance and solve the problem together.

But you may need the direct approach. And the details of the situation, your company policies, etc. will play a large part in how that is handled.

Remember, the problem is the problem. Not the other person.

And notice how approaching the other person directly is at the very bottom of this list.

I don't like talking about this either!

So when you've finally made it to the end of the conversation, give yourself and the other person credit.

It wasn't easy, but you made it.

Good job! :)

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Thank you for reading this edition of Humanity in Human Services!

There is an associated Facebook group located here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1018333445884666

There is also a LinkedIn group for ABA professionals interested in incorporating trauma-informed practices located here: https://www.dhirubhai.net/groups/14325191/

Please feel free to like, comment, subscribe, and forward to anyone who may be interested. Have a great week!

Katheryn M. Bermann, MS

https://www.dhirubhai.net/in/katheryn-bermann/

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