Issue #14 - “Success and failure; they’re not as far apart as people think.”

[Also cross-posted on my Substack]

In 2015, I finally made the jump to go freelance full-time. I also started a newsletter at that time. As I was in the early stages and still figuring out the direction I wanted to take, the newsletter served as a way to keep people interested in my work updated about my projects and offerings. I was making a lot of changes as I was finding out what worked best for me, so the newsletter was a way to stay connected.

It evolved into mostly personal essays about my journey into working for myself and dealing with fears, failures, and successes. It was kind of therapeutic to be able to put my thoughts into writing. But I eventually stopped updating the newsletter. I'm not exactly sure why, but I think that as I got more used to being self-employed, I just didn't need to write my thoughts out anymore!

I also started this newsletter around the same time. I named this Decoded by Christina to serve as a written companion to my YouTube series of the same name. The series focuses on various coding concepts, mostly CSS, so the purpose of this newsletter was to provide more tech-related content and less personal angst!

However, while I was looking for an old email, I came across a reply to one of my posts from my previous newsletter. It reminded me of how much this specific post provided me with relief as I processed my emotions about venturing out on my own and facing rejection, whether it was real or just perceived. I don't have any immediate plans to resurrect that old newsletter or change the format of this one too much, but I actually received quite a few replies to that post from people who resonated with it.

So, I have decided to repost it here. Enjoy! I will be going back to the regular scheduled program in the next issue. ??

Some notes:

• Original post date: 10/25/2018
• When I mention "Lynda," I am referring to what is now LinkedIn Learning. Lynda was acquired by LinkedIn some years ago and eventually merged into one platform.
• Also, a special shoutout to Stephanie Evans and Morten Rand-Hendriksen for getting me started as a LinkedIn Learning instructor!

Over the last few years of freelancing, I’ve been recruited for various full-time jobs. I’ve taken some interviews but ultimately nothing panned out. I wasn’t really disappointed though because I did it mostly to make sure I wasn’t missing out on a good opportunity. But it’s also really weird dealing with the rejection of not getting a job I didn’t even know about until it was presented to me.

“Hey! We want you to work with us.”

“Wait…Nevermind.”

Anyway, a couple weeks ago I saw an interesting job posting that I actually wanted to apply for. It was for a Developer Advocate role which tends to include things I have experience in but I’d never actually had that specific job title. So I put it off for a couple days. But when I went back to it, the posting was gone. I got mad at myself for not taking my own advice. Advice that I’ve given to others countless times. “Just apply and let them decide if you’re qualified or not. Don’t limit yourself.”

So after wallowing for a day, I decided to DM the CEO of the company on Twitter. I have followed him for awhile and we’ve even had a few Twitter conversations. He is very much about open communication so I thought it couldn’t hurt to send a quick “is this still open” note. He responded in 4 minutes! I mean, he’s always on Twitter but still, I wasn’t ready for such a quick response. And not only that, he said the application was closed but I could email him directly and he would pass it along.

I was happy and terrified at the same time. I expected him to say the position was closed and then I could pat myself on the back for acting like I at least tried. But now that he said he would pass it through personally, I HAD to do it. I was not prepared to actually have to follow through. But I spent the whole afternoon updating my resume, writing a cover letter and doing a little more research into the role and the company. Then I took a deep breath and sent it to him!

Two days later, bright and early in the morning I get an email saying they want to set up an interview. I was happy and terrified again. But I thought this was a good sign since I had applied after the position was technically closed and they still wanted to talk to me. The call seemed like it went well but it didn’t feel like a slam dunk either. But I did allow myself to started to thinking about what it would be like to work there.

They got back to me a few days later and said that I wouldn’t be moving on to the next round. I was crushed. I thought “Wow, I didn’t even make it past the ‘let’s just have a little informal chat’ round.” Ouch.

Nobody ever really tells you why you didn’t get the job. If they do, it’s usually a generic “We decided to go with someone else/a different direction. Best of luck.” So you’re left wondering if you simply didn’t have the right experience or was it something else? I try to tell myself that for whatever reason, it just wasn’t meant to be. But I still can’t help feeling a little shitty.

Earlier in my career, my goal in any interview was simply to get them to like me. I figured there would be lots of people with similar work experience so I could stand out by being someone they wanted to work with. You know, be a good culture fit. I would mimic their body language, conversation style, and say what they wanted to hear. I always got the job.

But it’s different now. I’m doing fine with making online courses and the occasional contract so I don’t really need a salaried job. I’ve also been in this industry for a while and I’m tired of “playing the game.” I just want to do my thing and get paid for it. So my new approach to interviewing (and working with clients) is instead of saying what they want to hear, I basically present myself as I am and they can choose whether they like it or not.

As much as I’m trying to live my truth and all that, there’s still some self-doubt. “Uh oh, maybe I was too forward? Maybe I shouldn’t have actually told them my real opinion? Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about after all? Maybe I was too honest. Maybe I'm just annoying?”

“I must have done something wrong.”

Then I question whether my confidence is just arrogance. It didn’t matter that I don’t actually need a full-time job. I couldn’t stop thinking about all the interviews that didn’t result in a job offer. I moped around and whined to my husband.

“I’M UN-HIREABLE!” I declared dramatically.

His reply was, “That’s not true. If you were un-hireable, Lynda wouldn’t keep hiring you to do stuff.” Oh yeah.

In a past newsletter, I mentioned that I finally hit my “want to make” number. And since then, I’ve made my “want to make” number every month. I no longer have to take just any old contract just to pay the bills.

But instead, my mind focuses too often on the rejections. The failures. The half-baked ideas that never amounted to anything. The unmet expectations. The bad ideas that didn’t work out. I worry about whether I can sustain myself in the future. Especially since Plan B—get a job—doesn’t seem to be much of an option these days.

I’ve been listening to a new podcast, Without Fail, which features different people talking about the major ups and downs in their careers. At first I thought I wouldn’t be able to relate because the interviews are with people who ran million/billion dollar companies (Groupon founder, Andrew Mason), or made blockbuster movies (Nina Jacobson, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Hunger Games, Crazy Rich Asians). But surprisingly I found that it really helped me reframe the idea that success and failure are not necessarily two separate things that are either good or bad.

“Success and failure; they’re not as far apart as people think. They are always right next to each other. And it’s hard when you’re in the middle of it to tell which way you’re headed.” -Alex Blumberg, Founder of Gimlet Media and Host of Without Faill

I’m not a millionaire or even close to it. I don’t have a large following on social media and even this mailing list… there’s less than 200 people on here. But if you told me 12 years ago, when I started at my first tech job, that I would eventually make twice as much sitting at home, basically doing whatever I feel like, I would have said, “yeah right.” ?Hell, if you told me that three years ago, when I quit my last full-time job, I would have been ecstatic! So maybe I need to embrace the idea that getting here required some failures along the way.

Some things work out, some don’t. And sometimes failing helps you to understand what to do or not do next time. And if something doesn’t work out when you follow your gut, it is really a failure?