Issue 10: Mindreading

One Concept:

Most of us have experienced the sinking feeling in our gut that the email we just sent offended the recipient, leading to a non-response. All of us have questioned a boss’s decision once or twice, wondering what they were thinking and not asking them. Perhaps we’ve made up a story about someone on the team struggling to perform, concluding they don’t care, aren’t a good fit, or just don’t get it, four words that make my skin crawl.

Mindreading has many problems:

1. With few exceptions, our assumptions and conclusions are wrong

2. We forfeit the connection inherent in asking questions

3. We suffer through days and nights of scary stories, all between our ears, of what ‘they’ must think of us and the consequences of communicating the wrong thing or way.

The most straightforward antidote to mindreading is to stop and ask questions instead. People don’t spend the time thinking about us the way our egos convince us they do. Everyone is working on their stuff, and getting even a few seconds of mindshare in a day is generous. Bosses make decisions with the information available and in a specific context at the time. People often struggle to perform when we don’t give them role, goal, or task clarity or the tools and training needed to be successful.

Two strategies:

1. Start noticing and jotting down what happens just before your mental merry-go-round begins to spin without input from others. Count to ten and be aware of your breathing. Then, ask at least one question that helps center you on the current reality. What’s going on right now that I don’t yet understand?
2. Find a trusted partner who also mindreads more than they would like. Think out loud with them and share the stories you are telling about a situation. Ask them to listen and point out stories vs. facts. Do the same for them. It generally takes less than a handful of times to notice the stories vs. facts yourself. The partner helps you practice interrupting the habitual pattern.

Three questions:

1. What assumptions am I making, and what conclusions am I reaching based on stories?
2. What are three examples of times I’ve told myself stories that, over time, I found were not even close to reality?
3. What is the best way to communicate with this person on this issue that closes the feedback loop quickly and effectively?

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