Isn’t it meant to get easier?

I thought that was the way of the world. You do the thing that scares you and then it won’t be scary any more. Turns out that isn’t the case (damn it!), at least not immediately. I recently published my first Linkedin article and (as I shared with people) I was shaking when I hit the button. I was terrified that it wasn’t good enough, of the judgement and the impact it might have on people’s perception of me.

The reaction I had was overwhelming, friends, family and colleagues all took time out of their day to not only read it but like, comment, message me and even share my article. I felt inspired to write more, not only because of the reaction but because it is something I have always wanted to do, and I have drafted the beginnings of a few articles since. Yet when I think about hitting that submit button the same feeling is there, in fact this time it’s worse.

“What if people were just being nice as it was my first article?"

“What if people think I’m up my own butt?”

“Who am I to write?”

“What if people find me boring?”

“What if people don’t like my openness?”

I could go on, but then even I would find me boring! Seriously though… this is what goes on in our heads (I'm pretty sure it's not just me)… yet we would never say this stuff to a friend, why do we say it to ourselves? In part it is self-preservation. While we stay in our comfort zone we cannot get hurt, we can’t get shot down and we probably won’t make any mistakes. So we ask ourselves these leading questions to stop us taking that leap. But if we stay in our comfort zones snuggly and warm, can we ever really grow, can we reach our full potential, can we achieve our dreams? I suspect the answer might be no.

So how do we get beyond our own comfort zones while preserving our psychological safety?

Before I go on to explore this question I want to make reference (as I did in my previous article) context. If, for whatever reason, right now is about survival then just be kind to yourself and focus on this. In all of our lives there are different phases and that is ok. If we can be kind to ourselves when we just need to survive I firmly believe that we get back to a ‘truly living’ phase much more quickly. The Buddhists refer to the second arrow, in our lives not only do we have pain (the first arrow), but we inflict further pain by being harsh on ourselves (in comes the second arrow). Be conscious of that second arrow.

When you are in a good space and want to explore those spaces outside of your comfort zone here is an exercise I have found particularly useful. I did this with my coach, but it is possible to achieve through self-reflection: 

1)   Listen to your heart – how often do you ask your heart what it really wants? I mean what you desire deep down. Taking the leap outside of your comfort zone will only be possible if you are doing it in order to achieve something you really want. You might want to present at work, you might want to be a role model for your kids, you might want to set up your own business. Whatever it is you really want try to look at it. I say this very simply, but it can be a big challenge, acknowledging it can be scary in and of itself. But try, take it gently and look inside at your desire and also what sits behind your desire, the “why”. Why do you want this? This question is key because while your head and gut may have lots of reasons why you shouldn’t take the leap, if the intention is right then you cannot fail. You cannot fail. What is your heart telling you?   

2)   Listen to your head – stopping to observe what is going on for you is key. Our minds are often busy, with thoughts coming and going non-stop. And our minds love a good story, I wonder what story your mind tells you when you think about your heart’s desires. An interesting way to view this is as though these thoughts are voices that come from your inner team. We all have different internal voices, some come from our upbringing, some from the culture in which we grew up, some from the people we surround ourselves with, have a listen to your voices… What is the loudest voice telling you? Is it positive? Is it your cheerleader? Or is it negative? Convincing you that you can’t do it? Are there any other voices? Perhaps a quieter voice? What would your best friend say? What happens if you introduce their voice to the conversation? What happens if you amplify their voice? It can be helpful to write your voices down, and you may want to add some voices you haven’t been present before. When you are able to see this picture try to just observe, just become familiar with your team and then in time you can begin to take the role of the chair person. You are in control of this meeting and while all the voices may be necessary don’t let certain voices take over, that is your job, to simply be a good chairperson. 

3)   Listen to your gut – what is your gut feeling? Many of us can ignore our gut, preferring our rational mind or following our heart, but here I encourage you to listen to all three. So what does your gut want to tell you? Is it nervous? Does your gut want to get on with things? For a while now I have been trying to ignore my gut. I have been frustrated as I felt he (yes my gut is a he – a little blue dude to be precise!) had been holding me back. This is where my fear sat. So I ignored him. But things weren’t getting any better and I wasn’t moving forward. I recently opened up and listened to him again and what I began to understand was that he was holding me back for a reason and while I could still choose to move onwards this was only going to be a success if I was able to be kind to the fear in him, and be kind to me. 

So while my gut is still petrified of what may happen when I publish this I know that I am following my heart’s desire of wanting to share my experiences to help others and I know my inner team has got my back. With this knowledge I can press that button, while still acknowledging my gut, understanding his fear and being kind to myself. All the while hoping that this might be of some help.