It isn’t me, it’s you! Why feedback rarely feels like a gift

"No matter how good you think you are as a leader, my goodness,

the people around you will have all kinds of ideas for how you can get better.

So for me, the most fundamental thing about leadership is to have the humility to continue to get feedback and to try to get better – because your job is to try

to help everybody else get better" - Jim Yong Kim, former president of the World Bank, adviser to the director-general of the WHO

I haven’t met a single leader who would disagree with this sentiment. But I have also met very few who are skilled at taking actual feedback. The truth is, that most of us struggle to put the sentiment into action.

We all know that we should be open to feedback but it’s hard in practice because, often, feedback is telling us that something we are doing isn’t working. And it’s very easy to translate this into ‘You are wrong.’

This message strikes at our sense of self. It can quickly engender a sense of concern that we aren’t good enough or highlight something that we aren’t sure we can change. Maybe it even puts the spotlight on something that is causing others problems but that we don’t want to change.

Feedback triggers Fear

This sense that we are wrong triggers our emotional response to threat: fear.

All individuals want to be right. But top-level leaders – these very successful individuals – are more used to being right than most. They are used to being the best in their field. They are used to succeeding where others have not. And that makes it even harder for these powerful, successful individuals to deal with feedback that says ‘You’re getting it wrong.’

From my experience in coaching such leaders, the most common fears that feedback triggers are:

1. Fear of failure – many top leaders haven’t learned to deal with failure. They’re used to dealing with success. They don’t know how we deal with the vulnerability that comes from getting it wrong. This fear can make it challenging to accept feedback gracefully.

2. Fear of not being good enough – many top-level leaders experience imposter syndrome to some degree. Taking on board feedback about something we are doing wrong reinforces a negative spiral of thinking and triggers all the fears that nag away every day saying ‘You shouldn’t be in this role in the first place.’

3. Fear of a bruised ego – We all want to protect our ego: it’s a fragile little monster. Successful top-level leaders often have a strong attachment to an ego that is built on their accomplishments. Any hint of less than perfection is very bruising – it can even feel like physical pain.

4. Fear of not knowing how to do it differently – top-level leaders tend to have been in business for some time. They’ve learned behaviours and ways of coping that were relevant in earlier stages of their career, which was probably a decade or two ago. Expectations of effective leadership change over time and, to paraphrase Marshall Goldsmith, the leadership that got you here over the last two decades, won’t get you there over the next. Leaders I coach can fear the need to change but, even more, they fear that maybe they can’t.

5. Fear of the other person’s intention – senior leaders often work in complex situations where there are threats and politics to navigate. When someone challenges them, there’s always the risk that there is a political game afoot or that there is an intention to undermine them in some way. This, again, pushes their defensive buttons.

In this penultimate series of exploring how fear undermines our ability to communicate, I’d invite you to sit with the reality that the people you lead can see many ways in which you can lead them better. They’d like to communicate this to you. But to do that, you have to manage your fear of their feedback.

It’s worth the effort: if you can truly take on their feedback, without defending your position or justifying your actions, and without taking it as a sign that you aren’t good enough, you’ll discover how to lead better.? And, if you can put that feedback into action, you’ll create an environment that makes it easier for your team to excel because you’re leading them the way they need to be led.

Your task for the week: Over the next week, observe your response to any feedback you get. What fears does it trigger for you? And how do those fears make you behave in response – do you become defensive? Do you immediately justify your position? Do you find yourself driven into a spiral of self-doubt?

Don’t judge or criticise yourself for your reaction – just observe it.

Next week check in with me, same time, same place and I’ll give you actionable techniques that will enable you to overcome your fears and respond constructively as a result.

And as always, observe yourself and others with interest and learning – not with criticism and judgment.

Here are three ways you can find out more about the work we do:

Request a copy of our brochure direct to your inbox?

Email: [email protected]

Check out our website – www.commsmasters.com

Email me directly on [email protected]

Heather