The irritable clerk

We all have our pet peeves and nowhere are these pet peeves more apparent than at the office. Today’s story is about a hypersensitive homeworker on a phased return to the office. A disagreeable man, used to working on his own, now reacquainted with the habits of his colleagues. Habits he detests; habits he despises; habits that will very soon bring him to breaking point. This is the irritable clerk - buckle up, you’re in for an odd ride.

The year is 2021. Location: Kingston, London. COVID-19 restrictions have eased and offices are starting to re-open. FormFocus - a financial services company in Kingston - is mandating days in the office and many of its employees aren’t happy about it.?

Colin - a Finance Clerk for FormFocus - is one of those people, but has decided to bite the bullet. Like many during the pandemic, Colin quickly accustomed to working from home and relished the change of scene. A germaphobe with a low tolerance for noises, Colin never liked working in the office and jumped at the opportunity to work from home.?

Colin is three weeks into a phased return to the office and the adjustment is proving difficult. A lover of peace and quiet, Colin has, over the course of the pandemic, developed a hypersensitivity to sight and sound and is easily irritated. Having carefully cultivated a noise-free working space at home, Colin now finds himself back in the throes of face-to-face working and his patience is wearing thin.

Today is one of those days and his nerves are at boiling point. John - one of his colleagues in Production - has a cold and is sneezing continuously. Colin stares at him, wishing the sneezing would stop, but it doesn’t. To make matters worse, John is sneezing without covering his mouth - a habit that winds up Colin to no end.

‘Are you okay?’ asked Emily, passing Colin’s desk. Emily works in Customer Services and, like Colin, got used to working from home. ‘You look angry. Is everything okay?’

‘I’m fine,’ replied Colin. ‘I’m just lost in my thoughts, that’s all.’

Colin’s eyes return to John who, having sneezed continually for the best part of 30 minutes, is still at it. Desperate to shut him up but too awkward to confront him about it, Colin decides to leave him a note - a handwritten one. A polite keep it down message to let him know what’s up.

Colin pens the note hurriedly and, spotting John’s desk is free, swings by with the note, which he leaves by John’s computer. John, unaware of Colin’s frustration or the contents of the message, returns to his desk and opens the note. Please stop sneezing. You’re spluttering really loudly and it’s not nice for others in the office, the note reads.?

John holds up the note and looks around the office. ‘Any idea who wrote this?’ he asked Gemma. Gemma sits opposite him and works in the same team.

‘Wrote what? What am I looking at?’ she replied.

‘An angry note about my sneezing. Someone here ain’t happy about it and has let me know by note. Talk about petty!’

‘How odd. Any idea who might have written it?’ asked Gemma.

‘No idea. Clearly someone with a bone to pick’ said John.

Colin, to escape detection, sits back in his chair, and out of John's eye view. In an ideal world, Colin would work with headphones in and block out distractions with music and soundscapes. But unfortunately this doesn’t work for him.

John’s sneezing eventually dies down, much to Colin’s relief. But a new distraction replaces it. One twice as annoying, at least to Colin’s ears: acrylic nails, long and sharp, plastic and piercing; tapping away at a phone screen.

Colin scans the room, eager to find the culprit in question, and spots Amber, Executive Assistant for FormFocus. Her fake nails swiping and scrolling vigorously. Colin pens another note, this time an aggressive one. Amber, it reads, your nail tapping is infuriating. Either cut your nails or tap more quietly.

Colin waits for his moment to strike and, noticing Amber’s desk is empty, heads over with the note. As he arrives, Colin spots Amber’s phone on her desk and decides to hide it, ditching the note in the process. That’ll put a stop to her nail tapping, he tells himself. Colin makes quick work of hiding Amber’s phone, by hiding it in a neighbouring desk drawer. If her phone’s on silent, she’ll be looking for it all day, he laughs to himself.

Twenty minutes later, Amber returns to her desk and, realising her phone is missing, begins searching for it. Mary, who sits next to Amber and has also just returned to her desk, joins in the search.

‘D’you remember where you put it?’ she asked. ‘When did you last use it?’

‘I literally had it 20 minutes ago’ replied Amber. ‘I was using it at my desk and left it here, as I had a meeting’.

‘Have you checked your desk properly? It might be under something’ said Mary.

‘Yep, top to bottom. It’s not here,’ replied Amber.

‘Did you leave it in the toilet, perhaps?’

‘Possibly - let me check.’

Amber rushes to the toilet and returns hastily. ‘It’s not there’ she insists. ‘Either it’s somewhere else in the office or I’ve lost it. As I say though, I literally had it 20 minutes ago.’

‘What’s your phone number?’ asked Mary. ‘I’ll call you.’

Mary punches Amber’s number into her phone. ‘It’s ringing’ said Mary. ‘Can you hear it?’

Mary and Amber listen out for the phone but hear nothing. Amber starts to panic.

‘It’s on silent, isn’t it?’ asked Mary.

‘Afraid so’ replied Amber. ‘It usually isn’t, but it is today.’

Colin watches on contentedly, glad that Amber’s nail tapping has stopped. But at that moment, another sound catches his attention. A squeaky office chair in the far corner of the room. Its owner - James Black - a colleague of his in Sales. Rocking back and forth in it.

Colin does his usual and starts writing a note, but is soon distracted by another noise. A colleague eating a packet of crisps, possibly Jane in Marketing. Her loud crunching like nails on a chalkboard to Colin’s ears.

Overwhelmed by the cacophony of noises, Colin’s heart begins to palpitate. One distraction is irritating enough, but this is ridiculous, he thinks. Colin gets up for a breather and decides to leave the room. I’ll go for a walk, he tells himself. That’ll help.?

Colin returns to his desk 15 minutes later, still tense but less so than before. He looks down and spots something in front of him: an envelope with an object inside. Colin opens the envelope and discovers a letter, which he scans fixedly. A small object falls out of the envelope and onto the floor.?

Colin stares at the object, fuming, and decides to call it day. Unable to concentrate anymore; unwilling to stay at the office any longer. He packs his bag and heads for the lift.

Later that day in the office, two colleagues pause for a cigarette break - Michael and Nina. Michael works in Finance, Nina in Facilities, and the pair regularly smoke together.?

‘You won’t believe what happened earlier’ said Michael.

‘What?’ asked Nina.

‘Colin in my team - he only stormed out of the office. Flipped, packed his bag and left.’

‘Wait, what? Why? What happened??

‘Fuck knows. The note I left him may have set him off, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that’

‘A note? What note? What have you done, Michael?’

‘So, d’you remember how I was telling you about the notes that Colin leaves for colleagues who annoy him. The notes where he pulls people up on their habits.’

‘Erm, I think so. Go on..’ said Nina.

‘So, he wrote me one a few weeks ago - something about me talking too loudly -? and I've been meaning to get him back for it. So, I wrote him a little something this morning, enveloped it, and left it on his desk. I left him a gift too.’

‘Oh dear, Michael. What did the note say? What was the gift you left?’

‘The note was harmless. I merely pulled him up on a habit of his and asked him to give it a rest.’

‘And the gift?’

‘A pair of nail clippers’ said Michael. ‘Colin’s forever biting them in the office and it drives me mad.’

Everyone has their bad habits, even the germaphobes among us. If you’re going to pull up others on their bad habits, be prepared to have yours called out too. No one is beyond reproach in the office, not least the Colins of this world.