Irrational Peace

“You’re in denial.”

“You are failing to see the reality of the situation.”

“That’s nice, but I’m a realist.”

I’ve heard it all. Hell, I’ve said each of these comments to myself more times than I can count. But something strange has been happening for the last three weeks or so. When one of these messages comes around, yet again, I don’t entertain it. I don’t take that voice and run with it into a pit of fear.

You might say I’m in a state of irrational peace.

At the start of the COVID shut down a good deal of my key, in-person business fell away. I became panicked with fear. I knew when, to the day, I would go broke, was quite certain I’d lose my home and could clearly envision living on a post-apocalyptic, steaming planet. And, no, I’m not exaggerating. This is where I went.

I spent the next five weeks oscillating between that, resignation, and hopelessness sprinkled with glimpses of hope. I did my best to avoid judging my feelings and used my new found time to delve into my own inner work.

Then something shifted. My spark came back.

Not just the fleeting sunshine I’d felt periodically in the weeks prior. No, this was the deep, lasting spark of my soul. I could tell.

With it came this seemingly irrational sense of peace.

Is it irrational? I have no earthly idea. What I do know is that life can change in an instant. And that instant can happen in an instant, or a week, or a decade, or never. But it can change in the blink of an eye (as we recently learned oh so well).

What else do I know? I’ve spent my life with a panoply of irrational fear. I made stuff up, believed it and made choices, many of which didn’t serve me a whit. Some of which kept me drowning in Chardonnay for 22 years.

Oh yeah, I know irrational fear. I’m a recovering expert.

Between now and the instant life changes I can live in fear and worry. I can lose sleep, alienate relationships, and wreak havoc on my body with stress. Alternatively, I can live the time between point A and point B in grounded contentment. The choice is mine.

I realize if I’m gonna make stuff up, I might as well make up better stuff.

I might as well live in irrational peace.