Irrational Fear of Mind

With a deep breath, I dipped into the water.?

I was told to breathe through the pipe in my mouth.?

But once in, my body instantly went into a panic mode.

My breath was stuck in my throat as if there was a valve which got closed, making it impossible for me to release my breath.?

I was trying to force my body to release the breath, but it was not listening.

With each second, the pressure was mounting.

I was reaching a point of no return.

It felt like my head would explode to release the pressure of air in my body if I stayed in for a second more.?

That’s when I jumped out of the water, removing the pipe from my mouth and the big eyeglasses I wore.?

Took big gasps of air through my mouth.

My hands were on my knees, trying to make sense of the shock I had just felt.?

My heart was beating like a machine gun. I was shaking from head to toe.??

As I was catching my breath, I could see the disappointment on the face of my instructor. This was the 3rd time he had tried to show me how to use oxygen when I was in seawater.?

It felt like I was drowning in a sea of shame.

When he showed me how others were taking their scuba dive lessons without any drama, It felt like a big wave of embarrassment engulfing me.?He said you will waste your money; there will be no refund.

I was like, f*ck money and refund- I am not feeling safe.

He gave up on me. Referred me to the head instructor as if to say this one was hopeless.?You can let him go.

I had come to the beautiful island of Andamans.?It was a bright day. Clear blue sky.?There is a beautiful view of the sparkling ocean from a distance. I was standing in water up to my waist.

I had an oxygen cylinder mounted on my back and a clipper on my nose.?

I had those fins-like boots. The water was cold. I was about to do my first scuba dive.

My first instructor gave me a demo. But then my pain reaction drama happened.?

And it happened a couple of times.

As my first instructor let me go. I started dragging myself in the water towards the head instructor. I wanted to get away from this place as fast as I could.?

But before he let me go, he wanted to know if I had any medical condition.

I said No.

I want to go out.

He said you have come a long way and don’t want to do it now.

I said I’m fine. I don’t feel comfortable.

OK, If that is what you want.?But you still have half an hour. In case you feel like doing it. You are welcome. I’ll be here.?

I had to wait a little before my equipment and all would be collected. I moved a bit towards the shore.?

Water was quickly dripping away from my body.?The warmth of the Sun felt reassuring on my skin.?

While standing there, I realized that beneath all the shame, this long-forgotten memory triggered fear in me.?I have no idea of the exact time and details. But there was this very vivid feeling that I felt like drowning and getting choked in my past.?

Many scenes flashed before my eyes when I had this similar feeling, like while rafting once, many times under high-pressure showers, etc. But I always felt this to be my body’s natural instinct to be safe. But today, I had encountered this fear face to face long enough to realize that this was not just a knee-jerk reaction.?

There was some mind block which made it real for me. In any case, it was soon going to be over.?

By now, I had some distance from this incident to remember that I pride myself on being a lifelong learner.?Growth is one of my core values in life.

A voice in me asked: If it had been unsafe, all these people around me would not have been enjoying so much. There were professional instructors all around, ensuring safety. This seems to be an irrational fear.

Will I be proud of myself, thinking I did not make a genuine attempt to overcome this fear??

The answer was NO.

I had to give myself one more chance.?And I’m glad I did that.

It took a lot of reassuring myself.

I had a fantastic head instructor who shared tremendous empathy and encouragement.?

I took my time. But I did it- without swallowing water, without drowning, without losing control. None of that stuff happened as my mind was making me feel.

Later, I saw some of my life's most beautiful underwater sea life.?Things that I had only seen on Discovery Channel before that.

But the most beautiful thing I saw that day was my spirit of overcoming my irrational fear.?

It felt so good.