Invitation to tandoori

I’m somewhat of an expert when it comes to the science – yes, the science – behind the perfect curry house dining experience. And I’ve got the credentials to back up this claim. ?

A couple of years ago, my partner (Aaron), his nan (Avis) and I created what we now affectionately – and formally – call The Curry Club, with a Facebook group chat of the very same name. Together, as The Curry Club, we are on a quest to find the best curry in the local area. We even have a tried and tested formula for the exact portions we order between the three of us to leave us very satisfied curry connoisseurs:

• 4 x poppadoms (+ dips)
• 2 x curries
• 1 x (saag, if offered) rice
• 1 x naan
• 1 x portion of onion bhajis or saag aloo
• 3 x complimentary After Eights (or mint choc biscuit; as long as there’s something poking out of a square envelope or wrapped in green foil, we’re happy)

We record every trip on a notes section on my phone that’s titled ‘The Curry Club’, followed by the emoji that looks like a plate of curry. Here, we list our exact order at each restaurant and, as agreed collaboratively at the end of the meal, document a rating of the food and our experience out of 10. In case you're local to the Fareham area, I’ll let you in on our top three favourite local spots to date:

1. Indian Cottage, Fareham
2. The New Bengal, Gosport
3. Prachee, Port Solent

It occurred to me recently that the courses we enjoy on a Friday night, in a curry house somewhere within a six mile radius of Fareham, aren’t dissimilar from the stages us bids people take part in as part of a standard tender process. Let me explain:

1.?Expression of Interest (EOI): The EOI stage is, of course, the first beer. “One Cobra please,” I order, optimistic, smug, a full curry and tender process stretched ahead of me. At this stage, it feels like there’s time, so much time, to read every word on the menu to make an informed order. So much time to put together your winning proposition for your client. So much time until you’ve hit submit and –

2.?The Pre-Qualification Questionnaire (PQQ) has landed, which can only mean one thing: Poppadoms. We’re still confident at this time of the night, and I acknowledge this by slowly and respectfully (“Shall I?” I raise my eyebrows to Aaron and Avis) breaking our poppadoms with my fist. It’s tradition and I’m honoured to play this role. The poppadoms course, much like the PQQ stage of a tender process, can be seen as an obligation, rather than a must-have. And I disagree with this notion. This is the time to pile all the dips – the mint raita, the mango chutney, the chopped onions – sky high. Source your most reliable (raita), impressive (chutney), layered and full of added value (onions) client references to show off at this stage. This is a crucial moment for your organisation and so, for goodness’ sake, stay away from the lime pickle.

3.?Invitation to Tender (ITT): The bit we’ve all been waiting for. The ITT or the RFP (Request for Proposal) stage. Yes, it’s the main event: the pathia (my favourite); the jalfrezi; the madras. It’s time to go all in. Create your winning bid team, design the winning solution and present it to your client like you would your Friday night curry; trolley, food warmer and bronze dishes included. But – and I can’t stress this enough – you must, at all costs, avoid leaving the reviewer feeling as though they’ve bitten into a cardamom pod. Yuck.

4.?Presentation: The pitch is your side dish: the naan; the bhajis; the saag aloo. But they mustn’t be all style and no substance; your naan can’t be greasy or stale. It’s got to be structured and simple – easy to digest – to complement and lift the complexities of your curry. The naan’s role is to mop up the sauce, much like the presentation stage is your final chance to clarify aspects of your proposal, to build on your proposition and to bring to life your expert team and outstanding service. I’ll go as far as saying the curry simply doesn’t work without the side dish. Combined, the naan and the curry, just make sense. And, as such, I encourage you not to underestimate the opportunity your side dish offers in bringing together the whole meal. I mean, deal.

5.?Best and Final Offer (BAFO): When it comes to The Curry Club, a restaurant simply isn’t scoring higher than a 7/10 if our bill isn’t topped with three after dinner chocolates. And I, as a curry house authority, haven’t played my part well if I haven’t got space for one final hoorah. Just like you, fellow tenderer, haven’t played your part well if there’s no more wriggle room once you’ve got to BAFO stage.

At this point in the night, the white linen (which quite frankly has no place in a restaurant full of such vibrant sauces and chutneys) is scattered with shards of poppadoms and splodges of jalfrezi sauce. We’re full, we’re happy and we’re intently reviewing our experience of the evening.

Much like the tender process, the night isn’t over just because the final sip of Cobra has been sipped. There are lessons to be learned (“I didn’t need the third beer”), reflecting to be done (“Shall we order peshwari naan next time?”) and actions to take (“I’ll book the next one”). And while there will always be new curry houses to try and new clients to support, when faced with brand new menus and daunting tender documentation, I take comfort from knowing the structure of my evening and the wonderful ways of a tender process. ?

But not too much comfort; we must always be prepared for the client to throw in one or two more chilies than we are expecting.