By Invitation Only

Planning your wedding and now faced with the unenviable task of whittling down your guest list? It’s not ideal, but it can be done.

Picture the scene. It’s December 2019 and you’re at your Christmas party. A colleague comes up to you and predicts the apocalypse.

“We’ll all be wearing face masks,” she says, “and we’ll be washing our hands in disinfectant. They’ll only let a few people into the shops at a time and you’ll have to queue up outside Dunnes. They’ll close the pubs. And the cinemas. And the theatres. There’ll be no All-Ireland, no gyms, no swimming pools. It’ll be illegal to hug or shake hands. And you won’t be able to buy a kayak or a bike or a tent for love nor money. And don’t even get me started on toilet roll…”

So you pat her on the shoulder, take the Vodka and Red Bull gently from her hand and suggest she has a little lie-down before ordering a taxi home.

Nobody could have predicted the scenes that greet our every day – and yet here we are.

The impact of Covid-19 has created unprecedented uncertainty for those organising their weddings in 2020. It is only now becoming clear that the temporary restrictions and precautions that have become part of everyday life are, in fact, here for the foreseeable future. Couples are only now coming to terms with the challenges created by constantly evolving regulations.

One such challenge is trimming your guest list to comply with permitted attendee numbers at social gatherings. You probably spent a lot of time and effort creating your initial guest list and you probably made some difficult decisions to keep it to a manageable number. Reducing it even further might seem like an impossible task –  never mind having that conversation with friends and family! However, it’s absolutely doable and, by following a few simple steps, you can manage the situation without hurting any feelings.

STEP 1: Understand the numbers

The first job is to understand exactly how many people will be allowed to attend. In Ireland, it is now possible to have a wedding with 50 people indoors and 200 outdoors – but remember that those limits include everybody in attendance, including hotel staff, the band, the photographer... On the upside, we are hoping that those limits will be increased to 100 indoors and 500 people outdoors from 10th August subject to progress in our fight against the virus. On the downside, any increase in infection rates could force the government to reintroduce stricter measures again at a future date. The bottom line is that you should probably have a few scenarios and you will have to remain flexible right up to the big day. Or the small day. Or the medium-sized day…

STEP 2: Make the rules – and stick to them

In these situations, it is best to define your criteria for inviting guests and to apply those criteria consistently to everybody – that way, no one can take the decision personally.

The baseline approach might be to limit the guest list to immediate family and bridal party members only. Start with your parents and siblings, then add the best man, groomsmen, maid of honour, bridesmaids, page boys and flower girls, then add their partners – et voilà. Friends, cousins and workmates will understand that you’ve had to apply a family-only rule and nobody can take offence.  

Another option could be to extend the guest list beyond family but not invite any partners. In that way, friends and work colleagues could be accommodated without filling the room with people you don’t really know. Some guests might not love this idea initially but, with smaller numbers, it could even make for better mingling of guests – at a social distance of course. 

Family and friends travelling from abroad can also be taken out of the equation for as long as anyone travelling into Ireland is required to self-isolate for a period of two weeks.

Children could also be taken off the list. Younger children cannot be expected to understand the need to – or how to – maintain a social distance. Confining them to their table or to a separate kids’ room wouldn’t make for a particularly fun time for them, while older guests might be uncomfortable with kids running about as they would normally do.

Vulnerable or elderly guests might also come off the list. This will seem harsh or even unpalatable, but bear in mind that your grandparents or your mother’s favourite uncle might be uncomfortable in a social setting and might appreciate not feeling under pressure to attend.

Some venues can offer – and, indeed, are encouraging – the option of having a 2-day event where one group of guests, such as family, would attend the First Day and another, such as friends, would attend the Second. If your venue can accommodate this type of celebration, that could be a great solution. 

And if all else fails, ask your parents or bridal party for help - that’s what they are there for, to be relied upon in good times and in bad!

STEP 3: Communicate honestly and in good time

The guest list for your wedding should be made up of the people who love you and who are important in your life. Remember that they, above all people, are going to understand. They know the predicament you are in right now and some will even be relieved not to be invited, so a simple note or phone call to explain your new plans is all they will expect.

Once you have decided on the rules you are going to apply, then you should communicate that clearly. You don’t need to go into the details of why you’re doing this – everybody knows that already – so just explain your rationale. Due to restrictions on attendees, you have only invited close family; or you have tried to include as many friends as you could but that means you haven’t been able to invite their partners; or you have decided to include your more vulnerable family and friends in a different way so as not to expose them to any of the risks posed by a social setting. Explain that it is not what you had originally planned and you hope people understand your situation. Explain too that, if it’s possible, you hope to get together with everybody when all of this is over so that you can celebrate your marriage with all of the people you care about.

STEP 4: Find ways to include those who didn’t “make the cut”

Finally, try to think of creative ways to include your original guest list in the new event. You can very easily stream parts of the day on the internet so that people can follow at home. You might also ask those whom you can’t invite to send their own video messages to be played at the event on the day. You could also ask guests who will still attend to share photos and videos on social media so that loved ones can follow along with the event as it happens. It would also be a nice touch to send a note to those not attending to thank them for their support and for their understanding.

There is no denying that a 2020 wedding will be a different wedding and that couples will have to make compromises and difficult decisions when planning their celebration. But the people who care about you know what you are going through; they understand that things are not in your control; and they want you to have the best day possible.

So be realistic. Be honest. Be creative.

And remember that they don’t have to be in the room to be a part of your biggest day!

                        -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

The Wedding Wizard provides unique access to a suite of online tools that puts you in charge of your wedding. Design the perfect day, control cost and manage risk – all in real time, all in one place.

?So join up now and let The Wedding Wizard be your digital wedding planner - whether starting your planning journey or nearly finished we are sure there is something for you - best of all it is completely free right now - www.theweddingwizard.ie