An Invitation, Not An Obligation

Last week I wrote about the skill of listening and learning to take a pause, and ‘THINK’ before responding to people. I know it’s not always easy to do that, especially when you do understand where someone is coming from and you have the desire to add to the conversation or to clarify yourself…however, it’s still good practice to fully listen to another, meaning waiting until they’re finished speaking, when they’re expressing their thoughts. When all is said and done, you might find that ultimately, there really isn’t a need to say anything at all.?

What does active listening look like? Active listening has more nuances than one might realize. It involves more than the ears. I learned a phrase early on in my teaching that said, “We have one mouth and 2 ears so we can listen twice as much as we speak.” It’s something to think about. Active listening involves the listener to face the speaker, make eye contact, and pay attention…to the words, the facial expressions and body cues; It involves listening for the meaning of the words and also the intonations of words—how they’re being expressed; It’s about listening for what is NOT said too; It involves listening without judgment (probably one of the more trickier parts of active listening for many people). And, it’s NOT about imposing your opinions or finding solutions (unless that’s requested). This is clarified when a simple question can be asked. Otherwise, think of listening as an action of presence and holding space for another.?

We all know there are countless distractions out there today. I won’t pick on all of them, just the one that I see as one of the bigger ones—the phone.

Way back in uni, I had a friend who shared a few wise words one day. We’d been sitting on the couch talking when my phone rang—before cell phones, though in the phase of answering machines—and he stopped talking and said, “Aren’t you going to get that?” I told him, “No, that’s what the answering machine is for. I’m having a conversation with you.” That’s when he said, “Oh wow. That’s nice. Most people see the telephone as an obligation, but it’s an invitation.”

That phrase stuck with me (obviously) because I think in general, it’s true. Unless the phone is used for business or there’s an honest need to answer a call, when we’re engaged with another in conversation, an interruption is an interruption— whether it’s a phone call, a text ping, or another person physically entering the space and interjecting.?

Which leads me to touch on when adults who are interrupted by children. When adults immediately break the conversation they’re having to address the child’s needs, they’re sending message that they may not realize they are sending. In each of these instances, while children are learning social norms, there are many opportunities for learning to take place.

Of course there are circumstances that merit that immediate attention, though 9 times out of 10, that’s not the case.

I bring this up because far too often I’ve seen parents, teachers and other adults engaged in conversation, and when a child approaches seeking attention for whatever reason, the conversation is immediately dropped and the focus is then directed to the child. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been in conversations where this has happened.?

This is not a model of active listening, nor does it teach beneficial, polite social skills (directly or through modeling). This isn’t to say that I think the old saying that ‘children should be seen and not heard’ ought to be the case—far from it. What I’m saying is that by allowing a child or an adult to interrupt any conversation it sends a subtle message that the conversation being had isn’t of great importance, and/or it’s okay to interrupt. It could also be sending the message and interpreted in the brain of child that it’s okay to interrupt (mom, dad, teacher, people), subtly saying, “the needs of others are less important than mine.” To be fair (to kids) I’ve seen this behavior countless times with adults. I’m fairly certain that this (adult) behavior was learned through modeling. ?

When adults in conversation, immediately give their attention to their phones or to another person, children aren’t benefitting from the lessons that could be learned in times like these. What I mean in this case is, as I mentioned above, children miss the opportunity to build their skill of patience, and they also miss opportunities to be resourceful—finding their own answers and solutions when the adults in their lives are occupied. They miss the opportunity to engage their intuition, self-trust and self-reliance. And, they miss the opportunity to witness what active listening looks like—to a degree.

In my classroom, we discussed what ‘good’ (active) listening looked like and occasionally, I got the opportunity to demonstrate back to my students, what active listening is not!

These kindergarteners learned that it was important to say a person’s name if they wanted to speak to them, in order to get their attention, setting the stage for active listening. They learned to look each other in the eyes when speaking to each other—which was also a topic of discussion in regard to certain cultures whose norms were not to look people in the eyes when speaking to certain members of the community. They learned that they also needed to be present, as in listen to the response of another by ‘showing’ they are listening—head nods, a quiet ‘mm-hmm’ or saying something in response after the person has finished speaking.

They learned to wait patently while others were speaking. They learned that when they asked questions or shared thoughts, they needed to learn to address the person by name, to get someone’s full attention. This simple little thing was a big eye opener for many children. Yet, I see that some people have forgotten this little thing that helps set the stage for getting someone’s attention.

Back to picking on the phone. While I realize I’m living in a world where people have adopted a hectic lifestyle and one that requires cell phone use, I don’t believe that it’s necessary to have the phone in hand 24/7. There’s no real reason to bring the cell phone to bed, nor to the bathroom, nor to the meal table….and to reiterate again, there’s rarely a true need to have to look at, consult, or answer the phone when engaged in conversation—especially when in conversation with a child.?

For most of us walking the planet at this time, we didn’t grow up with cell phones. We knew that we would still be in touch with family and friends even if we missed a phone call from them. Then came answering machines, another convenience to have that would capture those missed calls. Then came cordless phones that allowed us to wander around (though not too far!) while we spoke to each other. Then came cell phones…. Possibly the amazing nature of cell phones is why we became so fascinated with them. Regardless of our fascination, too many people have become addicted to them.

It IS possible to create new habits that allow for more head space if-you-will, to engage in life differently, just as we learn to adapt to any new ‘convenience.’?It IS possible to turn off the phone, put it on airplane mode, or silent mode and focus on another, especially a child. It IS possible to give one’s full attention to a child—or another person— when they’re speaking. It IS possible to be a good role model and demonstrate that the phone doesn’t need to dominate anyone’s world. It IS possible for children to learn that what they have to say is important, and one of the ways they develop this understanding is when they feel heard and seen.

When you give your full attention to a child who has something to say to you, in addition to giving your full attention to them and acknowledging that what they have to say is significant, you’re strengthening your connection with them. Think of how you feel when people actively listen to you. Don’t you feel acknowledged when you are seen and heard?

For those of you who find it difficult to put down and step away from your phones, I challenge you to figure out one thing (then another) you can do to shift your habit of jumping at those rings and pings all day long. Set times, maybe once an hour or half hour, where you check messages; then turn your phone on airplane mode. Do it for half a day or a whole day. Journal your experience. I’m sure it will help you to be more present in your day. Presence and mindfulness are really the bottom lines of active listening. In being present and mindful, your only focus is whatever it is you’re engaged in, in that moment.?

So when you find yourself in conversation, with anyone, begin to notice what you are doing—are you looking at the person? Is your body facing them? What about your body language and your eyes? Is your cell phone out of eye range? Is it on silent mode? Are you thinking about what you need to pick up at the store? Or the project you want to finish? Are you fully listening? Could you repeat back what you’ve heard? Do you value what the speaker is saying? When engaging with children, are you acknowledging their presence and valuing their verbal contribution? Are you listening to what they’re not saying?

After you begin to notice how you listen to others, decide on what ways you can improve your active listening skills and then decide to make active listening a habit.