Invisible Wounds: The Emotional Journey of a Police Officer's Battle with PTSD-Latest Book Excerpt

A police officer’s reactions are based not only on what can be seen on the surface but on an encyclopedia of past experiences. All of these past experiences (and their outcomes) are stored in the officer’s mind. Every one of these events had the potential to harm the officer’s physical well-being. The brain stores everything, from the memory of a traumatic event to a time when you were extremely happy. The mind automatically files memories of these events away for when that information is needed again. 

Unfortunately for police officers, the memories and reactions to potentially life-threatening events are needed again and again. The response is automatic, and officers react in an instant without giving it a second thought. That’s just the reality of being a police officer. To always have control of the situation. Losing that ability to manage it means there is a possibility that you could be seriously injured or even killed in the line of duty. Part of the problem is that without anyone to confide in except your work colleagues, the mind starts getting conditioned that it is normal to take charge of every situation. Because if it doesn’t think this way, the body of the person it “serves” can be seriously injured.  

While being in control of a potentially dangerous situation on the job is expected and lauded, it becomes problematic when that attitude seeps into your home and family life. In my case, my mind didn’t differentiate being at work and at home. At one point during my career, I had to have control over everything happening in my home. From finances to the cleanliness of the house. Where my kids went. What my wife said or did, I needed to control it all. The problem arose one day after a major argument when my wife simply said, “enough is enough.” 

She suddenly took off in the car. I remember jumping in the passenger side, screaming in rage, and punching the dashboard – pleading for her to stop. I thought she was leaving for good, and this could not happen. I could not lose control like this, and she needed to stay with our family. Today I know she was just going for a drive to clear her head. Anyway, she stopped the car at the edge of the driveway, drove back and parked at the house. 

There it was. I regained control of the situation, and the calmness returned. It’s hard for me to say this, but I didn’t flip out because I was afraid that my wife would leave me. It was because I was losing control of an RCMP family that should be “perfect” and above and beyond the everyday problems of an average family. In my mind, we could not have any flaws. We needed to show that we do not fight or cheat on our spouses, but have a perfect and happy family. This entire narrative came crashing down on me when she rushed out of the house with the car keys. 

On top of that, I was afraid that if she did leave, eventually, I would not want to continue living. I couldn’t see the point of going on with life if she left for good with the kids. Instead, I saw everything starting to unravel while at the same time, I was losing interest in everything that I cared about. 

The thing I forgot and that I like to remind others of is that those in law enforcement (and first responders in general) live normal lives away from work. We have the same stressors you do. We have financial challenges, marital problems, kids that get sick, and every other situation that “normal” families encounter. We are really no different than any other family on your street or in your community. 

What does make us different is that in addition to these “normal” stressors, we also have to deal with other people’s traumas, miseries, and problems. Our job requires us to get involved in the lives of the general public and often fix their problems for them. We get calls when people are at the end of their rope and have run out of options to resolve their issues. They turn to us, often expecting us to fix things.  Invisible Wounds