The invisible illness- PND

My maternity leave with my second child I found incredibly difficult. I had that magical moment when my little one first came into the world of “yes I can do this, I've done it once before, everything will be rosey”. However, my little one really struggled to feed from birth and I found myself back in hospital with him. I then started to notice my mood changing, almost overnight and I couldn’t pinpoint what was driving it. I started to feel sad, low, and tearful. I developed obsessive-compulsive disorder. This then spiraled into something that began to affect my daily life and wellbeing. I won’t go into the details around my obsession. But I will share what I learnt from the experience.?

I had many moments where I thought, god I'm so selfish for feeling this way, there are plenty of worse people off than myself. But then someone said to me, “there is no comparison that you should look to strike against someone else; it’s how you feel. Your feelings are real and they are valid.” This person stood by me through the whole of my maternity leave and now (as did many other amazing family members and friends). However, I can tell you now, it wasn’t easy for these people. I am now in a much better place thanks to people's patience and kindness. This was through counselling, therapy, or just some frank discussions: “don’t make this harder for yourself Ellie, if you need to take medication take it, it doesn’t make you a failure.” These are some of the things I learnt along the way (and i am still learning):?

I am stronger than I realised:?

The experience over the last 9 months has made me stronger than I ever thought possible. It felt like one of the most difficult hardships of my life to date, but I learnt a lot about myself along the way. You can’t always fix things in life and maybe an obvious one to many, but it perhaps hadn’t hit home with me before, we can lead our life doing all the right things and still suffer hardship. It doesn’t always have to be anyone's fault. Top tips: own your newfound strength and be kind to yourself. We can’t control much in life, so we can choose to worry about things OR we can enjoy life.????????

Other people go through it too:?

I found that once I felt comfortable sharing with a few people how I was feeling, there were many other people who had or were struggling as well. Anxiety and depression don’t present the same way with every person, but it was comforting to know that I wasn't alone and could ask others how they had managed or handled situations. Many individuals checked in with me everyday through messages of love and support. One friend made sure that my mood didn’t get to breaking point before I took help. I am so thankful for these people. Top tips: Don’t let one thing define or destroy who you are as a person. Everything passes- joy follows pain, warmth melts the ice.

Be open minded with medication:?

I didn’t like the idea of taking medication. I thought “what if i get addicted, what if people judge me.” If you don’t think medication is the answer for you, don’t feel like you need to take it. There are other options. That being said, it’s okay to take medication if you need it. When serotonin levels are low, it’s what causes that chemical imbalance in our brain. We need that boost to help stay balanced. Top tip: Do what is right for you.?

Who your real friends are:

I have always been that person that people come to in a crisis, and I found myself going through a crisis. This was really difficult not only for me, but those around me. I had really low moments, where I questioned how I had behaved or responded to how others had treated me when I was low. However, a close friend said to me, “If people can’t be there in the bad times, they don’t deserve to be there in the good times.” Genuine friends will be there in their own way, no matter what. Their support is critical to your recovery. Top tip: Don’t let those who aren't supporting you negatively impact you. Let them go.?

To appreciate life:

Cliché I know, but life really is too short. Try and see the positives everyday. When I was at my worst, bad days felt horrific. However, they do make you realise just how amazing your good days are. I got to a point where I thought; I can keep looking at what I don’t have in my life OR I could focus on the things I do have. Top tips: Everyday I write in a gratitude journal? three things I'm grateful for. Stop looking for perfection- You are looking for something that doesn’t exist.

There is no cure:?

I had days where I thought, “God, I just want to be fixed. I just want to wake up happy.” It really isn’t that simple. Recovery is continuous. You will have good days and you will have bad days, just don’t give up. Top tips: notice your mood and how you are feeling, think about what brings you joy and happiness so you can factor these into your day. I have written on my wall a table which has ‘reasons to be happy’ and ‘reasons to be sad’. This helps me gain perspective when I am having a particularly bad day. I also have a word cloud of words colleagues used to describe me. This reaffirms my values when I am doubting myself.

Life goes on:?

No matter how painful life is right now, it goes on. All feelings are temporary. Stay present. When I was in a bad place, I found that my mind was telling me what the future was going to look like. Based on my obsession, I then found myself trying to fix a problem before it became a “real” problem. I created so many probabilities, and then I got to a place where I couldn't fix them all. I had created my own set of worries. Top tip: Thoughts are not facts. Thoughts will make noise only when you apply meaning to them. If you give importance to something in your life, it is likely to cause you pain. You need to look at thoughts NOT looking from them. Thoughts can come in and go without us holding on to them, if we find a technique that works for us. Some that have worked for me (no judgement please):

1. Use an external voice- “I’m having a thought….”- this creates distance between you and the thought itself
2. Imagine thoughts popping up on a laptop- change the format, colour. You can play with them- they aren’t real!
3. Write them on a card (yes write all the horrible thoughts on a card). You can carry your history with you and life does carry on.???

Finally, something that made me emotional through this, but it’s true…

“People who genuinely care about you, will always see you as Ellie. This does not change the value of who you are. What ifs… they are a waste of time and energy.”

How do you want to live your life now? Much of your quality of life is defined by your mind.