'The Invisible Barrier'

Nothing is more frustrating than being aware of what you need to do, but for some reason, you can't bring yourself to do it - even though you want to do so much.

I am grappling with this as I work to get myself back on track after a tough few months.

"Monday, I'll start walking again". "Next Monday is when I'll start to eat properly again and pick up from where I left off before Christmas."

The sobering part of that is the fact that every Monday is another Monday closer to the end.

That isn't meant to sound grim; it's just reality. Life is so fragile; you never know when your number is up - you only need to look at some of the tragedies of the past fortnight, with young fathers losing their lives due to factors out of their control.

For those men, there is no next Monday; for their families, there are no more chances for them to do something together. Death is so final. All that is for those left behind is to honour the legacy they leave and appreciate what you have.

Despite knowing all this, and no matter how often I give myself a reality check like the above, sometimes I can't get out of my own way.

I procrastinate; I compare myself to other people who seem to be living the way that I want, or rather think that I want to live; I wonder why me or how come I seem to be the one that shit happens to. I get myself in a spiral dive of thoughts and feelings that seem impossible to see past.

Rhetorical question after rhetorical question leads to overthinking, and sometimes, the line between being a good judge of character and 'reading the room' can be mistaken for a thought or feeling that only exists in my own mind.

Like the whole 'Next Monday' analogy, there is another one that I was reminded about in the latest audiobook I'm listening to. 'The great thing about yesterday is that it'll never happen again'.

The difference between the two is that one refers to procrastination and isn't productive, and the other indicates progress, living in the present and planning for the future.

Tiger Woods once said, 'The Lessons I learn today, I will apply tomorrow, and I will be better in the future'.

The problem is that all of the above is easy to sit here and type, and it all makes sense - but this invisible barrier that filters how you see yourself on a particular day is sometimes harder to break than you think.

Part of it is a mindset change; you must identify and be aware of it and then force yourself to do what you know you need to, even though it feels foreign. The next bit is maintaining that feeling long enough that it almost becomes automatic and keeps you on track.

I feel like I have had to do this several times since my initial breakdown almost 12 months ago. But the past few months have been the hardest since then.

I mentioned in previous articles that while my breakdown happened in April, it probably wasn't until June that I felt like I pushed through that invisible barrier.

My focus was strong; I had tried to create some new habits and set the wheels in motion for a healthier life; when I focus on something and am motivated to do it, it's almost impossible to stop me.

That set me up for a pretty productive six months of last year; I dropped a heap of weight, I was a happier person to be around, I was a better Dad and Husband, and I genuinely felt I was in a groove and in a place where I could maintain it.

But in small increments, almost to the point where I probably didn't even notice, I was slowly starting to taper off the path I set myself. Then, just as fast - my mindset changed again, and the barrier came back up.

I heard a description that I could relate to: when a frog is thrown into a pot of boiling water, it instantly leaps out, but if a frog is put into a pot of lukewarm water, it stays there - and as the temperature increases it doesn't notice it as much - before it's too late.

In my article last week, I spoke about how it takes one card to fall to bring the rest of the card house down with it. That, in reality, is the barrier. The goal is to rebuild, but getting to the point where you muster up the energy to stand the first card up to start all over - is the hardest.

That procrastination and the 'Next Monday' mentality is just a merry-go-round. There is no automatic end to it. You can keep going around and around as many times as you like, but you'll miss all the other attractions at the carnival.

This week, my 'next Monday' finally happened. And a bit like what happened in June last year, I feel focused again and have the same 'dog at a bone' / stubborn mindset. I've started logging my food in my fitness pal; I started walking, I started trying to ignore cravings for shitty food, and dropping back to having two alcoholic drinks a night.

I started working on a weekly plan, or structure, that I want to follow, even though it's likely to change because life happens. I need to be open to it and not let changes to the plan affect this laser focus I feel like I have at the moment,

While I am moving in the right direction again, I must appreciate that the 'cleansed' feeling I have today will get tainted. After all, I am a business owner, and my business happens to be in the media industry, which automatically brings scrutiny and plenty of changing plans.

I am going to be knocked down, and I am going to question everything over and over again. Sadly - the nature of mental health challenges is things like 'the invisible barrier' will most likely return.

But each time I try to get back from it, it'll get easier, even though it may not seem easy.

One foot in front of the other, small step after small step - but walking ahead and not thinking about yesterday or what I may or may not come across further down the road. Something that I can't even see yet, but knowing that there is a chance there will be something there.