Invible Wounds: An Emotional Journey of a Police Officer's Battle With PTSD (Excerpt from book)

What you’ve read so far are words I’ve written based on real experiences I’ve had in law enforcement. Honestly, I’ve had many negative and even suicidal thoughts in my head during the majority of my 28-year career. If something didn’t go my way, I would get pissed off and berate myself or others over mistakes made. I was very easily distracted by negative talk or discussions. At times I would lash out at others. I couldn’t understand what was going on with me and was in denial that I was suffering from PTSD. I definitely didn’t want to admit it, much like an alcoholic. In my mind, I was burning the candle at both ends, running on fumes and in need of serious rest. But long-term rest above and beyond my regular days off was out of the question. 

I wouldn’t hear about any “long term medical” leave-of-absence nonsense. There was no way I was going to “fall apart” or go seek professional counseling help. Other police officers that had taken such leaves were seen as either “lazy” or “milking the system.” Even today, the “macho” culture is still very much alive. Like I always say, you can lead a horse to water, but the horse won’t drink poisoned water! This macho culture is like poison water in the law enforcement community. Even in larger agencies that have good resources for officers, there are still cop suicides, burnout, or officers like me that suffer from PTSD. Why is that? Could it be the toxic culture within some agencies and the macho culture that still exists?  

Within some agencies, there is still a certain amount of denial that problems exist. For example, the typical email announcing a cop’s suicide dances around the issue. The verbiage usually refers to the officer who “died suddenly.” That is part of the culture of denial. In my opinion, not talking about it becomes a way of burying one’s head in the sand. That mentality must change. 

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