Investing in Our Relationships: A Path to Genuine Happiness and a Little Magic.
Charlotte Thaarup
Mindfulness@Work | Mindful Leadership | Conscious Culture | Wellbeing | Women in Leadership | Crucial Conversations | Retreats | Speaker | Consulting | Facilitator
In a previous newsletter, I shared that I went to 'hoejskole' in Denmark in September. While there, I made a couple of friends, and one of them came to visit last weekend with his wife. As he stepped out of the car and walked toward the house, it struck me how amazing this kind of thing is. You meet, you become friends, and then you meet on the other side of the world. A few months ago, we didn't know each other existed.?
That we can connect, trust, and form bonds throughout our lives is truly remarkable. It enriches our lives and can potentially lead us in new directions.
All we need to do is be open, curious, and engage.
It is easy to neglect relationships, including our most intimate ones. We all get lost in our day-to-day lives and the myriad of practical things that need doing. We easily find ourselves prioritizing our own desires, material gain, and careers—or just survival—over investing time in relationships. I have certainly done this. I've been so excited about Mindfulness and the business that it has often taken priority. But we pay the price. Do you remember the interviews with dying people about their regrets? One of the main regrets was not prioritizing relationships.
Part of the problem is that we take them for granted. We think relationships will always be there and assume they will naturally happen. When we experience relationship challenges, we rarely consider our contribution, how we might have starved them. Instead, we look at the flaws in the other person.
However, relationships don’t flourish on their own; they need work, attention, and intention. If we neglect them, we risk one of life’s greatest regrets—not nurturing the bonds that sustain us. We become misaligned in our time investments, focusing on careers or hobbies while our relationships fade.
On average, couples where both partners work spend just 37 minutes a week talking to each other. These conversations tend to focus on logistics and delegating practical tasks. I have been there too—in effect, we starve the relationships, which are the foundation of our lives, much like the air we breathe and the water we drink.
Sixty percent of college students are feeling lonely. This loneliness signifies our neglect of an essential part of life. Moreover, the more we neglect relationships, the harder it becomes to reach out, and the more we engage in ‘selfing,’ which is a recipe for misery. Yet the simple act of reaching out to a friend or making time for a loved one can shift our entire perspective. Anyone who has experienced a challenging time knows that it is our relationships that pull us through.
The Science Behind Connections
Louis Cozolino’s The Neuroscience of Human Relationships states, “How we bond and stay attached to others is at the core of our resilience, self-esteem, and physical health.” We build our children’s brains through interaction, and keep our brains growing by staying connected. Research confirms that positive relationships help us succeed and grow. And not connecting with others results in a low mood. When we moved house and even city every two years, I observed that I was fine one day all alone, but then I needed to see someone the next day, otherwise my mood would drop. We are interdependent.
Strong social connections are profoundly beneficial, contributing to:
Conscious Intimate Relationships
There’s nothing quite like our close, long-term relationships to challenge us and bring attention? not only to our idiosyncrasies but also to our deeply embedded family pathologies or generational patterns. Through these relationships, we have the potential to bring peace and spare future generations our generational trauma.
In light of this, it’s useful to remind ourselves that the other person is not there to make us happy but that relationships are there to make us conscious. If we then also experience joy, love, and flow, it is utterly delicious and a blessing. Relationships are opportunities to discover our projections, see our transferences, and challenge the fairy tale narratives we’ve been given and the undeclared contracts we have set up.
Some culturally inherited narratives give us the delusional idea that always being happy is possible. Yet all relationships are an endless dance of harmony, disharmony, and repair; closeness, disruption, and return to closeness. It is a natural life rhythm of contraction and expansion. One key skill is reconnecting well and learning how to keep our hearts open even when we feel like closing them.? This is so challenging!
Our eyes face outward for obvious reasons, but this often leads us to assume that when we are unhappy, it is due to the flaw of the other. This belief is deeply embedded in the way we function. Often, we go to counselling hoping the other person will be told how wrong they are while we are validated as right.
I know I used to focus much on what was wrong with the other. Ideally, I had learned to switch from complaint to request, to state what I needed. There was no guarantee that my needs would be met, but it was about growing up, and sitting in ‘what is wrong with the other’ is not growing up.
The Role of Mindfulness
Mindfulness significantly enhances relationships. Participants who practiced mindfulness reported less distress and more connection, acceptance, and satisfaction. Importantly, mindfulness benefits both partners. There are many reasons for this, one being that we slow down and are more able to catch our reactive tendencies and also more able to tune into the other person. Another reason is that we start to truly take ownership of what arises for us and know that it is ours to deal with.
Caring, Curiosity, and Clarity
To foster healthy relationships, we return to the Adult principles discussed in earlier newsletters: Caring, Curiosity, and Clarity.?
We become curious about our own reactions, asking ‘what’ is happening in the body, what thoughts are arising, and what expectations we are loaded with. We are also curious about the experience of the other and what is happening for them.
We aim to be clear about our needs. This can include being clear about the type of conversation we need: Problem-solving, Empathic listening, or just Sharing experiences. We have all been in situations where frustrations arise when this is mismatched.
Caring involves acknowledging emotions in ourselves and also acknowledging the good and the kind in the intentions and behavior of the other.
Questions to Ask Before a Conversation
Continuous Work
Nurturing relationships is continuous work. Keep your eyes on the long-term, be curious about your own ‘stuff,’ focus on what your partner does right, and start with appreciation (another theme I am working on….so much to learn). Challenge yourself to wake up out of autopilot, but once your partner listens, stop criticizing, instead reframe the challenge in terms of requests.
By investing in our relationships, we build a foundation for a happier, healthier, and more fulfilling life. Let’s prioritize our connections, for even though challenging, they are the true assets of happiness.
Need help getting started with Mindfulness? Use our free resources >>