Intuition, Art and Just Being Me

Now that I'm retired, I hope to spend more time with one of my first loves - art. Over the years, I've had some wonderful coaches in this regard. My grandfather was a gifted painter (oils) and wood carver and began teaching me how to sketch when I was five years old. I fondly recall sitting in our living room with him as a child while he explained concepts like depth perception and composition to me in simple terms that even a little kid could understand. I'm fortunate to have several of his works in my home as a reminder of who he was and what he meant to me. In later years, I was privileged to serve as a student assistant for Lou Payment who was my art teacher for two years in high school. Lou was a creative genius and my graduation opened the space for us to become close friends. I sometimes chuckle when I recall him encouraging me to "loosen up" my style a little and experiment more with colors and abstract composition! Lou passed away several years ago, but I keep one of his famous, hand-drawn Christmas cards in my study as reminder of his skills and tenacity. You see, Lou was paralyzed from the neck down in an accident in the mid-70's and it was only through his gritty determination that he regained the use of his hands to once again create beautiful works of art. Finally, I owe a debt of gratitude to my long-time mentor, Lee Kaiser, who taught me (among many other things) how to develop my intuitive abilities and encouraged me to combine them with other talents such as drawing. So, I now have the time to use these abilities through intuitive drawings to help people connect with ancestors who they may sense, but know nothing about. Seeing a drawing of a person that you were never able to visualize before creates a bridge that enables a relationship to form. And if that sounds crazy, then I might suggest you read a few good books about quantum physics! The Dancing Wu Li Masters would be a good start.

Most people know me as a rather linear person. As a COO for many years, I was counted on for my abilities to plan and execute. And I enjoyed that role because it afforded me the opportunity both to make a difference and to see results that could be measured over time. (I sometimes say that I enjoy mowing the lawn simply because I can see instant results!) I took pride in creating operational efficiencies, ensuring financial stability, developing successful growth strategies, ensuring synergies between the various divisions of our organization and building relationships with other agencies and individuals in our territory.

But, when I retired, I received a note from one of our exec staff that brought a tear to my eye, was one of the nicest gifts I have ever received and summarized what I most enjoyed doing during my many years with the organization. "Thank you for loving this agency so well. I hope to be so fortunate as to someday be remembered as holding the heart of an organization as you have."

As much as I loved the operational side of things, I also loved the people I worked with and the people we served. It was gratifying to have people who had retired from the organization years earlier come visit me during my last week to say "thank you" and wish me well and to have others who I had worked with for years tell me they didn't want me to leave. What I loved doing was working with the yin and the yang. Operations and people. Metrics and humanity. It took years for me to understand how to balance my brain and my heart effectively - the former for operations and process / strategic thinking and the latter for intuition and "holding the heart of (the) organization." As a result of that experience, I now believe that classes on intuition should be standard fare in any post-grad business curriculum. But, that's another subject.

It becomes more and more important to me as I get older to be more fully who I am ... transparently, genuinely and without reservation or apology. I was not fully myself in all situations to all people for far too long. I suppose like almost everyone else, I stepped into whatever role I needed to be in at the time. It was easier and required less thought to just be a negotiator at a noon meeting with a vendor … or a facilitator at Tuesday's strategic planning session … or slip into my "attorney" archetype when I was negotiating a lease. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but I think it's time for a change. That means those who know me as a protector ... or administrator ... or diplomat ... or patriarch … or negotiator, may now have to also get acquainted with me as an artist ... or alchemist ... or mystic ... or wizard ... or seer.

That may be quite an adjustment for some folks ... myself included. I have to admit, it's a little scary. We can all get a bit too comfortable being who we think other people need us to be or want us to be ... or even who we think we should be. But, it's time now for me to just be who I am.

I wonder if I'll recognize myself ... !