Introvert's Secret Weapon for Commanding a Room (And Turning Conflict into Growth)

As a product person, we’re constantly finding ourselves in situations where we have to engage the room (virtual, in person), speak under pressure and have difficult conversations. All of these situations are tricky, especially for those of us who are introverts and not naturally the loudest person in the room.

It always makes me smile when I recall organizing team events and finding myself standing on a chair or table and calling everyone back from a break. Yes, even the quiet ones can herd cats effectively and generate excitement. The trick is to read the room. Use your voice and presence to convey the energy you want to create. Not sure where to start? Breathe and start talking slowly. Doing so provides enough time to for your brain to discern what to say next as the words come out of your mouth. You’re parallel processing - thinking and speaking.

Tristan de Montebello, the co-founder of Ultraspeaking , has a cool way of phrasing this approach. He shares once you start talking your brain’s autocomplete feature kicks in. If you feed your brain enough words, it can’t help but fill in the blank. This is especially true under pressure.

In today’s newsletter we’re going to explore techniques for engaging the room and navigating tricky situations.

Speak first, lead next to transform anxiety into eloquence

In a similar way that using a well formed prompt helps to return relevant and helpful information from a chatbot, starting to speak provides guardrails for your brain to focus on as it formulates what to say next. The range of topics is narrowed. Better phrases or responses are available as a result.

And, as scary as it sounds, by speaking out loud, you are forcing your brain to search, find, and return words related to the topic at hand. The knowledge is there. It’s simply when we get nervous or overwhelmed that the words vanish. By beginning to talk, you are telling your brain to return a result - which then becomes the start to a well formed response. Once the initial words are out, it’s much easier to continue and pivot into a story, guidance or direction.

• Thank you for asking . . . the most extraordinary part of my day was . . .
• Great point . . . when I was in that situation I . . .
• Based on the discussion . . . I recommend taking these steps . . .

Sound scary? That’s the perfect reason to trust your brain and let it take over. Even though you may not be a fan of speaking under pressure, you brain was made for such a task. Its quick reactions saved us from unexpected animals who wanted to turn us into lunch. Experiment the next time an unexpected question is placed your way, and let your brain do its thing. You will surprise yourself. Once you get those first few words out of your mouth, you will be able to complete the thought in a short, concise way. Keep repeating the experiment, and you’ll find it gets easier and easier over time.

Not convinced?

• Lean into your product instincts and be curious.
• Treat anxiety as another form of excitement.

For example, try out variations of the following - “Great idea. What was the outcome when you tried it before?” or “Thank you for the suggestion. How can others help you to achieve…” You will prompt your brain while learning, your colleague will appreciate being heard, and those around you will benefit from viewing a person (aka you) who is very good at adapting to tricky situations.

Master emotional agility and shift annoyance into opportunity

Ever had a colleague do something that gets on your nerves? Even though they may not be aware of your feelings, your emotions could be unintentionally putting them on edge, and guess what, annoying them and you even more.

"Researchers have shown that people tend to pick up on the mood and attitudes of those around them, called “emotional contagion,” and often in ways they don't consciously realize." — The Leadership Challenge: How to Make Extraordinary Things Happen in Organizations

My favorite is when someone asks “what is the objective” right at the start of a meeting. Awkward? Very! Turn on your best smile, be positive, and thank the person for the opportunity to (re)state the reasoning. As Johnny Miller of Nervous System Mastery says, you design your environment — and then your environment designs you in return.

Instead of letting the person who makes you tense or failed to check their calendar for the agenda derail the discussion, turn the tables and take the following steps.

1. Breathe - If you keep the annoyance inside, it will likely show up as tension in your posture or general demeanor. Instead breathe out the desire to scream. Let the frustration exit your body. Feel it going out your mouth or nose. Then respond.
2. Be Grounded - Don’t let the person knock your confidence. Place your feet firmly on the ground and anchor yourself. Shift your thinking away from the person and notice how the floor feels beneath your feet. Appreciate this is just business and you are truly not in danger. Then answer.
3. Label the Feeling - Distance yourself from the bad vibes the person brought by labeling how their behavior made you feel. This technique helps to recast your thoughts as simply “data”. You can decide if the information is or is not helpful. Then let the feeling go versus burying it and having it explode later in the call.
4. Visualize - Listen but don’t internalize any negativity. Jeanne Brett, a professor at the Kellogg School of Management, suggests “visualizing your coworker’s words going over your shoulder, not hitting you in the chest”.?Acknowledge you heard the question, let the words pass you by, then respond.

After taking the above steps, you’ll be calmer. Your counterpart may have just had a bad day. We all have those. Chances are you were not the only one put off by their behavior. By remaining calm, you are helping everyone wind down as well enabling the session to get back on track.

I want to point out that you are not ignoring anger or frustration. By taking steps to calm down, you have created the opportunity to explore difficult feelings with curiosity and an open mind. Doing so helps you to empathize with others and introduce new perspectives - which is important as we typically cannot control everything that happens at work. Instead, as described above, by choosing how you respond, you can shift the energy in the room in a way that potentially uplifts everyone involved.

How you feel about this moment in time has far less to do with what you are doing, and far more to do with how you are doing it. - Positive Intelligence

Embrace conflict for stronger team bonds and better solutions

Amy Gallo notes some companies strive for an “artificial harmony”—a state where everyone pretends to agree and there is no disagreement. Avoiding conflict creates conflict debt, similar to product debt. It builds up and up until someone or something breaks. Instead acknowledge there are times when an agreement cannot be reached easily. Now that you know how to mentally calm yourself down, you are in a better frame of mind to bring people together.

There are a couple of paths you can take with tricky situations. I love bagels, especially the “bagel method”. In the bagel method by the Gottmans , you are establishing ground rules for disagreements. Amazon has disagree and commit. With the bagel method, you identify the deal-breakers (e.g. core needs, beliefs, and values) that won’t budge. On the outside are the places where negotiation can occur.

Methods, such as the bagel method, help us to break down what appeared at first glance to be an immovable mountain and gives us a new perspective on the situation. By exploring areas of flexibility, you are laying the foundation for mutual understanding, common feelings, and shared objectives. Brainstorming together can lead to a compromise which may not be perfect, but honors both points of view.

Another path is to to reflect on your company culture. Dharmesh Shah, the co-founder/CTO of Hubspot shared on Lenny’s podcast , company culture is a product. That means every company builds two products: one for customers and a second one for the team. Instead of forcing command and control or supporting political, behind-the-scenes manipulation to make decisions, foster a culture where team members can safely disagree with each other out in the open.

How do you do that? Begin with the one thing you can control, aka yourself. The foundation of any psychologically safe environment is trust. Build out trust through the following:

• Accountability - Establish credibility by being reliable. People base their impressions on past experiences. Do what you say you will do.
• Encouraging - Appreciate that everyone makes mistakes. In fact, it's expected and commended as a way to break patterns and disrupt the status quo.
• Integrity - Practice honesty and transparency. If team members think you’re holding something back, doubt will arise, especially in sticky situations.

Conflict is a natural part of interacting with other humans. The goal is not to win and have someone else lose. It’s to understand each other more deeply, work better together and solve problems more effectively.

If you don’t understand people, you don’t understand business - Simon Sinek

Encouraging conflict does not mean accepting toxicity. Instead we’re seeking what Buster Benson describes in the book,?Why Are We Yelling: the Art of Productive Disagreement , as growth and connection in a situation where people (including ourselves) usually feel anxious and squashed.

In a similar manner to designing a user experience for AI, the goal is not to eliminate unpredictable dialogue because, well, we’re human. Instead it’s to build a “cultural product” where people can be open and reasonable, speak candidly alongside each other and do so with respect. Treat colleagues as people not transactions.

Discover the methods for turning awkwardness into opportunities and transform your career

All of us are faced with difficult situations. Even Lancaster experiences conflict…

It’s tricky to inspire and guide teams through complex situations while maintaining a positive and productive environment. Change is hard and never as easy as "just do it". The themes in today’s post give you techniques to begin.

1. Speaking Under Pressure: Use a slow, concise speaking style to allow for parallel processing of thoughts and speech, leveraging the brain's "autocomplete" feature under pressure to keep ideas flowing. Engaging the room effectively involves formulating prompts that guide the brain's focus, which helps to initiate relevant and articulate responses.
2. Handling Difficult Situations with Emotional Intelligence: Employ strategies such as visualizing negative comments passing by without impact and labeling feelings to manage and diffuse tense situations. This approach helps maintain composure, encourage empathy, and facilitates a constructive response rather than reacting with frustration or anger.
3. Fostering a Safe and Trusting Team Environment: Advocate for a workplace culture that supports safe disagreement and values trust. This involves being accountable, encouraging learning from mistakes, and practicing transparency. Building such an environment supports healthy conflict, better decision-making, and stronger work relationships.

If you enjoy exploring these topics and believe you would benefit from discussing them further, book a coaching session with me here . The cost is $2 while I’m working towards my Associate Certified Coach (ACC) credential.